Sleuth vs Grouch

The Grouch’s ‘No it isn’t’ picture of the week:
Seen while walking along a street in Sheffield. Optimistic doesn’t even begin to cover it.

Footy legend falls on hard times
The Grouch was coming out of the Town Hall this week when he was greeted with a strange sight. Gary Pallister and Mike Summerbee sat on the steps of one of the Albert Square statues with the FA Cup.

We know it’s a hard life as a former footballer, unless you end up on Sky Sports as a pundit, but surely hawking the FA Cup around street corners is taking it a bit far?

The Grouch slipped Pally some luncheon vouchers and a copy of Razzle, to keep his spirits up.

How old are you?
Here is a picture of a chef in a takeaway that, when turned upside down, looks like a cock and balls. That’s it. Sorry.

To bidet, or not to bidet?
Northern Quarter bar Thomas opened its new upstairs club room this week. The Grouch nipped in uninvited to check it out. It was nice. He was greeted with cocktails and small food. He also met a girl called Lauren who has a special interest in bidets, especially ones that have special sections for man parts to be, erm, flopped into.

Gordo sidled up to the pair, clearly sensing a conversation on his level. “I stayed with a friend in France recently, in the middle of nowhere,” said the Fat One.

“I was shown the guest toilet, nothing special. I was told it was an eco-friendly estate that didn’t like to waste water. Pretty basic. Then I was shown the bidet. It was like the f**ing Louvre. Eco friendly? My arse. Just because the French want to wash their bums?”

And with that, he was gone. The Grouch woke up with a headache and a velvet rope stuffed down his trousers.

Fries with that?
The Grouch also popped over to South Africa for the day this week, and was amazed to find some of the snacks on offer from Zimbabwean market traders at a bus depot near Mamelodi township. Flame grilled caterpillar? Better than Gourmet Burger Kitchen though, he thought to himself.

Big bikes and the work experience girlThe Grouch often finds himself in need of help, so he was glad when work experience girl Jemma showed up this week. Jemma is studying history at Manchester Uni, so was the perfect candidate to send to MOSI to have a sneak peek at a new Harley Davidson exhibition. The Grouch was sleeping, very busy, so Jemma raced down there with a camera.

Was it good. “Yeah, alright,” said Jemma. “Although people who customise the bikes are called builders, not designers, as I found out when I offended one,” she said. “He was called Stez.”

Stez? Is that is his real name? We doubt it. He’s from Doncaster for a start. We think he’s probably called Keith or something.

Jensen in high spirits
The Grouch also went to the gala evening of Ghost this week, which was attended by Manchester’s A-list (ie. loads of people you sort of recognise from Corrie/Emmerdale/Hollyoaks but don’t know their name) and the show’s writer, Dave Stewart. Stewart, who sat in front of The Grouch, was wearing his trademark shades and hat, which he helpfully removed during the performance. But The Grouch spotted the biggest star of all in the bar at half time – David ‘The Kid’ Jensen, still looking as fresh-faced as he did in the 80s.

The Kid yesterday

Cheeky boy
Here’s a message from your Uncle Grouch, for a young man called James who works behind the bar at The Alchemist in Spinningfields. When a customer asks if you have any non-alcoholic beer, the standard answer is not: “Not really, because the men who come in here usually have some balls.” Although The Grouch would have gladly passed that on to the police had he been pulled for drink driving later that evening.

The Grouch has two edicts in life. Manners are everything; and you never know who you’re talking to, so tread carefully.

Sleuth is away this week, in Spain, learning to flamenco dance with Enrique Iglesias and Penelope Cruz. Now go away and let me get on with my weekend.

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