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Sleuth 6/2/2009

John Terry moves to Warrington - perhaps. Plus philosophy in the pub and MMU is a laughing stock and proud of it

Published on February 5th 2009.

Sleuth 6/2/2009

Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week. We give £25 for every story/rumour and piece of absurdity you find for us to print. We ask for the money back if any legal action follows.

Anarchy on Tib Lane
Sleuth loves the situations the city throws up. He was in the Town Hall Tavern function room on Wednesday night with colleagues. At 7pm they had to move downstairs to make way for a regular group booking. “Who is it?” asked Sleuth. “It’s the Manchester Anarchists,” came the bar man's reply. Sleuth bit his tongue, choking down a million bad jokes, but still blurting out: "Wouldn't want to be the chair of that lot." “Actually," said the bar man, "they're a really nice bunch. Give me them over the philosophers anytime." "So the Manchester philosophers meet here as well?" said Sleuth. "They do, though not at the same time" said the bar man. “But those philosophers can be trouble. Very lively.” Funny, thought Sleuth how things can be opposite to what you expect. Nice anarchists, lively philosophers. That's something to think about.

Aristotle: pissed again and chucked out of the Town Hall Tavern for being rowdy

John Terry in shock North West move
When Sleuth saw the Warrington Guardian this week, he was brought to a juddering halt. Sleuth knows that on two recent occasions in the North West the Chelsea captain, John Terry, has suffered catastrophic team defeats to United 3-0 and Liverpool 2-0. But surely, as the picture in the Warrington Guardian indicated, he'd hadn't jacked it all in to settle in the town? Surely he hadn't decided to become a transexual? Turns out Sleuth was wrong but click here to see how he could have become so easily and distressingly confused.

Master Bates can’t count
A Sleuth correspondent was in that very paragon of good taste and virtue, Panacea, the other day. He was enjoying charming company and boogieing along to the rather odd 1970s sound track. On the way out he was impressed by the patience and reticence of the doorstaff – qualities not always evident in the door trade. A drunkard was insulting them right in their faces with a multi-layered barrage of expletives and filth. There wasn't a flicker of response from our door executives. But as he was getting into a taxi the drunkard suddenly turned and shouted, “Effing look at the effing state of you, you big pair of wankers.” One of the bouncers quickly strolled over. Looked like there might be trouble. “What do you mean pair? There are three of us," he said politely. How refreshing thought Sleuth musing on how the drunk must have had a classic case of seeing double.

Complete Bastow
Sleuth loves another magazine opening in Manchester. He loves the sound of them as they swoosh by. Later in February we're going to get the much previewed Chimp. It’s going to be listings, lifestyle and social comment in physical form on the streets. First thing it will have to do is survive the over-the-top blather of the talk-it-up publisher Giles Bastow. According to Bastow Chimp is going to redefine Manchester publishing or some such - yeah, course it is. Still Sleuth hopes it works. Since the print form of City Life was put to the sword there's been no substitute. But Sleuth thinks Bastow might have to try a bit harder when it comes to promotion. This was how media website How-Do got on with him: ‘Publisher Giles Bastow told How-Do that he didn’t have the time to talk about the magazine prior to its launch’. Interesting tactic Mr Bastow, very interesting.

Red nose for MMU
Great bit of PR was circulated by the bosses at Manchester Metropolitan University this week. It read ‘MMU beats Cambridge’. Great stuff thought Sleuth, the brain boxes of the North strike back against a Southern bastion of prestige and privilege. Er...sadly not. Apparently the PR referred to the fact that MMU has more practising comedians than Cambridge University. Oh well, it’s something at least..

Last year's freshers at MMU

ASDA price is jail
Maddest story of the week has got to be the one of how an escaped prisoner, Michael Nixon, was caught two years after fleeing Sudbury Open Prison. He was rounded up at an ASDA in Bolton. None of the stories surrounding this unusual event revealed how he'd been unmasked at the supermarket. Sleuth pondered on this. Ah yes it must have been the ball and chain round his ankle and the grey pyjamas with arrows on them.

All fall down hurray
Sleuth thinks the closure of Brasserie Blanc is the end for the celebrity chef cult in Manchester, the final nail in their bloated coffin. At last. Michael Caines is the last man standing and that’s because he makes it clear that Ian Matfin is the chef at his eponymous restaurant. He also aims high with the food. This is no second rate brasserie option for the Northerners while the Southerners get the real deal, this is simply excellent food. So farewell then Gary Rhodes, Raymond Blanc, Marco Pierre White, Nico Ladenis, the experiment is over. Sleuth doesn't think there'll be too many tears.

Great Wisdom lies in Curry
Sleuth loves This'n'That curry house on Soap Street in the Northern Quarter. Beautiful curries for about six bob is fine by him. He's also very proud of the This'n'That calender he received. This has a homily for every day: he's going to base the rest of his year on these messages. Today it says: 'Friday 6 February: What matters is being right, not being told you are.' So very true. Although maybe a better message might have been 'Lamb Biryani £4'. But what's this? Sleuth is going to have to have pass Monday's message on to Schofield and Gordo of Confidential it says: 'A critic is a person who knows the way but can't drive the car.'

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15 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

AngFebruary 5th 2009.

Wow, a philosophical and an anarchist group in Manchester. I suddenly love the city more.

EditorialFebruary 5th 2009.

Oops Scoteee. We were adding another Sleuth and we've cut you. Please jump on board again.

AnonymousFebruary 5th 2009.

Anachists with a regular booking?

Michael WestFebruary 5th 2009.

John Terry - Is this Sleuth's Golliwog episode? Poor bird was trying to talk about cross gender and discrimination and you brought it down to Chelski-hate. Bad on you.

secret squirrelFebruary 5th 2009.

So this philosophy lot...how do they know if they really are in the pub or not? I drink therefore I am?

Michael WestFebruary 5th 2009.

The Anarcho-syndicalists are probably better spoken and dressed than any commenter on 'ere. Class war is a diversion to direct action me understands and consensus is the rule is the way they deal with things. Not sure I have met the Manchester Anarchists and the only meeting I've been too tended to be interspersed with M15 alot. I doubt that there is a functioning group without a lot of help from MI5.

DigFebruary 5th 2009.

Is that picture in the John Terry article you Emma G? Only joking beautiful!!

emma graceFebruary 5th 2009.


Burt CodeineFebruary 5th 2009.

That really is John Terry isn't it? If I were to be eating popcorn now the unpopped kernals, which so hurt the teeth, would be nestling in the slots of my QWERTY.Remarkable.

AeronFebruary 5th 2009.

Uninteresting fact No. 1: A former landlord of the Town Hall Tavern was Ronnie Barker - a very funny man, though no relation to the iconic comedy duo I'm afraid.

NeverlaughFebruary 5th 2009.

Lighten up Michael. And the boy/girl did want to be photographed for the front page of the newspaper.

scoteeeFebruary 5th 2009.

No problem, it's all inane drivel anyway!

WayneFebruary 5th 2009.

Michael stop looking for agendas. It's nothing to do with Chelsea it's just funny...and a remarkable resemblance.

I think, therefore I amFebruary 5th 2009.

1. Extra Celeb Chef to add to the has beens of Manchester = Paul Heathcote.2. I was there too! - One of those Anarchists was the spitting image of Pete Townsend (The Who).3. More important than Raymond Blanc closing down is the fact that the fabulous HAPPY SEASONS in Chinatown seems to have closed it's doors. I'll miss them much more than Blanc or Juniper. (Say it ain't so, Ho. Please, say it ain't so).

AeronFebruary 5th 2009.

Wise up Neverlaugh. M-F transexuals should be referred to as feminine, not 'boy/girl'. I'm not a PC fanatic, and the John Terry resemblance is uncanny, but Michael has a point. The individual featured in the Warrington Guardian article showed great courage to stand up for what she believes and, if you read the article rather than simply gawp at the picture, you might understand why it perhaps isn't particularly nice to make her the butt of a joke, even if it is at the expense of Chelsea.

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