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Sleuth 6/07/07

Prince Albert, tiger crap and gay Daleks

Published on July 6th 2007.

Sleuth 6/07/07

Sculpture or bust
Jo Bloxham and friends have done a remarkable job with Ars Ornata, an exhibition and conference about jewellery. The most astonishing part of this is the display in the Town Hall featuring the marble and alabaster busts of the great and good of nineteenth century Manchester bedecked with quite outrageously modern adornments. The neon cross by Deborah Zeldin O’Neill, hanging around Prince Albert’s neck in Albert Square is wonderful, everybody should pile down and view it. Of course the Town Hall bods have been careful in ensuring that that the sculptures didn’t get damaged in any way, with a zillion risk assessments and so forth. Sleuth wonders where the Bishop Lee bust has gone then. In an incident, unrelated to Ars Ornata, something seems to have happened to it. Sleuth hears there are some people round the back of the Town Hall with super-glue right now.

Sir Jack Duckworth
Sleuth pointed out the neon cross around Prince Albert’s neck to Sir Richard Leese, Leader of the Council and pal of Gordo, our lovely food fanatic at Confidential. “Let’s have a look,” Sir Richard said, putting his glasses on and covering one lens with his hand. Sleuth was curious. “Why did you do that?” he asked. Sir Richard took his glasses off and put his finger through the right hand frame. “It balances things up, my lens has just fallen out, damned nuisance,” he said. “Still politicians have a reputation for turning a blind eye eh?”

Unfamous celebrities
Sleuth went to about five events on Friday night including the launch of the Kylie Minogue exhibition at the Art Gallery. At every event there were cast members past and present from Hollyoaks. There always are. It’s uncanny. Sleuth has worked it out. There are TAG teams of Hollyoakers positioned around the city every evening ready to hit launch parties at the merest hint of a popped cork. And for that matter TAG teams of Dave Spikey look-a-likes too. Sleuth can’t abide liggers stealing his hard-earned canapés.

Tiger tray
When the much-announced beach outside Urbis eventually arrives Sleuth has learnt of an interesting method of keeping away the vermin. Deep in the sand big cat droppings from Chester Zoo will be buried. Apparently tiger crap terrifies the living daylights out of rats. Still Sleuth is proud that Manchester is at the cutting edge of pest control. Although he suspects there might be something more sinister at work. It’s a little known fact that emos and moshers are allergic to big cat droppings too. Something to do with a fear of jungle - and other types of urban music genres.

A horse with no name
Anyway given there’s no sea at Cathedral Gardens, shouldn’t the proposed beach at Urbis be called something else? A ‘desert’ perhaps. As Ian Brown, late of the Stone Roses almost said, “Manchester’s got everything except a desert.”

Cheshire spiced down
Sleuth has always enjoyed a trip out to the Bells of Peover in Cheshire: the quaintest of pubs in the quaintest of villages. But now Sleuth won’t ever go back to the Bells of Pisstake. When he pointed out that the chicken liver, pan fried in chili and garlic, featured neither chili nor garlic, the waiter exercised some interesting logic. He told Sleuth they don’t put much in because people didn't tend to like chili or garlic. He then buggered off and reappeared with a bowl of crushed chilis. Sleuth’s ability to pan fry was hindered by the fact he didn't have a kitchen upon his person. Meanwhile Sleuth’s lovely guest had a vegetable tart that turned out to be a tiny canapé….for £8.99. £5.99 of which was presumably spent on a magnifying glass with which to locate the dish prior to serving. The whole occasion was so bad it was funny.

Chewing the fat
On the subject of food – or food substitutes - Sleuth was pleased to read the blatant PR on Monday from McDonalds, the fat food chain. Desperate for people to like them the food giant managed to hook all the newspapers with a story that their lorries, next year, will run on used chip fat. Which if you turn this around means – reassuringly - they still intend to cook their fries in diesel.

Time Queen
Russell T Davies is the adopted Mancunian who has written many a classic bit of TV such as Queer as Folk, which was based around Canal Street. He’s also the man who re-invented Doctor Who for the modern age with a pleasant nod to the rich variety of life, including a bi-sexual sidekick, Captain Jack. Sleuth learns exclusively that for the Christmas special featuring Kylie Minogue this will be pushed further, the Daleks will make a reappearance, one of whom will be gay. Dialogue will include lines such as, “exterminate? Ooh hark at her. Silly cow.” There will also be Cyberqueens. Well-adjusted TV at its finest, Sleuth thinks.

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5 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

KellyJuly 6th 2007.

Speaking of pisstakes, i also needed a magnifying glass to locate my fish and chips from Odd bar last Tuesday. Granted it was supposed to be a lighter option, but three chips and a nugget of fish isn't even a starter let alone a lighter option to a main meal.I'd heard good things about Odd bar, but not only did i have a ridiculously small meal, my boyfriend's meal didn't arrive. It was only a sandwich. After complaining, it arrived half an hour after I'd finished mine.

KathyJuly 6th 2007.

A Desert......Surekly a desert implies a lack of water!!!!! Since we have an abundance of water at the moment, I think the "beach" description is more apt.

chrisJuly 6th 2007.

Anthony has hit the nail on the head there with odd bar. saying that most of the northern quarter id getting like that and im sick of seeing blokes with makeup and skinny jeans!!! 0)

anthonyJuly 6th 2007.

Odd bar and Odder are in severe danger of believing their own hype. Service in odder can be terrible - as though the students behind the bar ccan't be bothered.

AnonymousJuly 6th 2007.

sleuth. iam so sorry to confess the vision that now enfolds.Yes you nearly got it right @cept the dalek needs to have more colour.......... and instead of exter.. mi...nate how 's about mas ...ter.....see what vision man has.

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