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Sleuth 30/04/2010

Signor Dolmio, Jamie Oliver, The Almighty Gordo, Psycho speed-dating and Wayne Rooknee

Written by . Published on April 30th 2010.

Sleuth 30/04/2010

Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week. We give £25 for every story/rumour and piece of absurdity you find for us to print. We ask for the money back if any legal action follows.

Italian boloney
At the end of April Sleuth recalls that the funniest thing to happen in the month happened right at the start. On April Fool's Day we published an article lampooning the rash of recent Italian restaurant openings. It was called 'New Italian restaurants banned', claiming that the city council had stopped all Italian restaurant openings for a year as 'capacity had been reached'. A quote from the piece was: “We have to nip this in the bugatti,” said Councillor Justone Karnetto.

At 10.30am on April Fool's Day, Sleuth got a call. It was the PR woman from the agency dealing with Jamie Oliver's Italian themed restaurant due to open in the city this summer. She said, “This is terrible news for us, we wanted to move into the site. How can they do this? Who can I talk to in the city?”

Sleuth said, “Why don't you ring the man we mentioned in the article, the president of the Italian Food Society, drum up some support?” “Of course, what was his name again?” asked the lady. “Signor Dolmio,” said Sleuth and gave her a false number.

Ten minutes, the lady was back on the phone, “I've made a bit of fool of myself, haven't I?” she said.

Jamie Oliver

Speed-dating, the key
Sleuth was in Warrington – it happens occasionally. He stumbled on this sign. 'Psychic speed-dating'. He loved the little straplines: 'Like speed-dating....but with crystal balls on' and 'We already know you'll have a good time'. Seemed like a clever idea. Sleuth would have given it a try but he already knew that the only one for him would be Bethany, the 29 year old assistant manager of the Stockton Heath, Lloyds Bank, and while very nice, she would want to do weird things with chop sticks and plungers.

Speed-dating, the future
Sleuth was intrigued by the notion of psychic speed-dating, he wonders if somewhere there are other specialisms: schizophrenic speed-dating, where you can date multiple personalities simultaneously, or maybe psycho speed-dating where you only ever go on one date.

Beautiful bird charms Sleuth
Sleuth was sitting in the Mark Addy when he was bewitched by a beauty all decked out in electric blue. There was a halcyon on the River Irwell in the city centre – yes these are the halcyon days. A halcyon is Greek for kingfisher. For about a hundred and fifty years the closest a kingfisher would have been to the Mark Addy and the River Irwell was a picture in a book in John Rylands Libary.

Kingfisher now in the city centre

Sleuth waves goodbye to the Greens
Sleuth was doing a quiz for professionals in a city centre pub. One of the questions – topical you see – was, who is the leader of the Green Party? Umms. Aaahs. Nothing. He gave people a bit longer, the teams were very intelligent. Then he began to hope they didn't know the answer because he'd forgetten himself.

Funny man
Sleuth was coming back from the South Coast on a train. Endless delays. “There's been a phone call about a suspicious package left on this train,” said the Guard over the tanny. A man got on at Birmingham and sat next to Sleuth. He said, “I've just got back from Pakistan. Bombs eh? I think that when it's time to go, it's time to go.” He suddenly stood up shook his bag and said, “boom!” Sleuth wasn't sure about the questionable humour of this.

Poker faced
One of the Confidential ladies loves poker. She was playing in a series of games in the city and doing rather well. The gentleman she was battling with turned out to be no gentleman. “A few hundred years ago,” he said, “you would have been burnt at the stake.” He lost. Sleuth reckons you shhould never let anger get in the way of the game.

Mad bastard
Sleuth finds the world endless amusing. It's comedy not tragedy for him. Thus this man in Wakefield made him smile – but in a slightly nauseous way. Rich Rigby, a United fan hurt his leg a while ago, it started aching and then he and his mates had a revelation. His knee looked like Wayne Rooney. Here's the picture. How in God's name does this knee look like Wayne R? It just likes a fat person's knee in a wind tunnel. Yuck. For the full story click here.

Waiting for Gordo
Sleuth was at the meal to promote Manchester Cathedral's novel idea of hosting dinners in the nave. This is to raise money to help its pastoral work in the community and to help maintain the fabric of the building. Well done to one and all. But Sleuth had one moment of concern. He looked up and saw Gordo coming down the nave from the choir. He looked like he was starting a new religion. A faith based on food and fine wine perhaps? We could do worse.

Sleuth's lies to tell tourists
The Manchester Terrier is the only dog that can whistle 'Keep the Red Flag Flying' while skating.

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7 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

AgricolaApril 30th 2010.

I don't believe that about Manchester Terriers

Red KenApril 30th 2010.

Thats not a manchester terrier. Ken Barlow from corrie has a proper manchester terrier

Vote GreenApril 30th 2010.

It's Caroline Lucas. Do I win a prize?

John HarrisMay 1st 2010.

What's happened to the news on this site? Apart from Sleuth the top stories are all over a week old.

Jonathan Schofield - editorMay 1st 2010.

John not sure what you mean. This week we've had eighteen stories go up plus five news in 250 words mini-stories. There were four stories put up on Friday. The week's stories were: Sleuth 30/04/2010, Manchester in world's top ten for sport, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang review, MAPS Festival, Scottish man upsets Northerner, Damson, Heaton Moor, The one to watch: Mann Island, The politics of property, Susan & Darren, the play, Confidential's special deal, Toy boys- the new botox?, Will you vote for Nick? Hypnotic Brass Ensemble review, Night and Day, Platform 12, The Clog and Billycock, Pleasington, Chris Cunningham @ Opera House 22nd April 2010, Insitu, Body Talk: 26/04/2010, Where are all the women?

John HarrisMay 1st 2010.

Maybe I'm not logging on properly then. Can't find the daily news stories at all

Jonathan Schofield - editorMay 2nd 2010.

John, the 250 news is lower down the homepage. Or click on the latest articles on the homepage and the stories appear in the order in which they've been posted.

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