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Sleuth 29/10/10

Lorenzo is dead, Rusty Gaga, Ronaldo, Take That and Finding Name Slack of the Yard

Published on October 29th 2010.

Sleuth 29/10/10

Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week. We give £25 for every story/rumour and piece of absurdity you find for us to print. We ask for the money back if any legal action follows.

Bar Lorenzo closes
Popular Spanish tapas venue, Bar Lorenzo, on Beech Road, Chorlton has closed down. This lively and tasty food providing hotspot – described by one resident 'as one of the best things on Beech Road, the one that makes it a bit lively' - has, it seems, fallen foul of a local resident or two who've complained about loud late night music, and noisy revellers. Sleuth thinks this is a shame, Bar Lorenzo was a cracking neighbourhood venue, and it's a further shame that nothing could be worked out to prevent closure.

Rusty cut-outs
Spinningfields has a competition on at present, it's a ‘spot who the celebrity silhouette is and win a trip to New York’. This is a promotion to launch the Avenue, the posh shopping street in the area - by taking winners three thousand miles away. Eh? Sleuth was asked if he wanted to have his silhouette included. Sleuth declined, “I’m not cut out to be a silhouette,” he said. Although after another look at those cut-outs, it appears that Lady Gaga isn’t either. She’s rusty. First meat dresses, thinks Sleuth, and now oxidisation. What a girl.

I’d like that with anchovies please
Sleuth had to giggle at a pair of Pizza Express staff (we assume)in the South King Street branch who fornicated al forno (click here). The young man and young lady were apparently closing up when things got out of hand. They failed to turn the lights off and passers-by caught them 'at it'. Of course the first things the witnesses reached for were their camera phones, then next, a la mode, they dialled 118 118 for The Sun's newsdesk. Sleuth loves the Pizza Express management quote: “We are obviously taking this seriously and looking into the matter immediately." Sleuth wonders if the company will be studying the video evidence. Really, really closely. Sleuth hopes the pair aren’t fired though, lust is a wonderful thing, we live in liberated times: the pair should be given a rise. Although the young man might have already got his rise. Dough balls anybody?

Cutting costs
In these times of austerity Sleuth has found the cheapest male haircut in the city centre. After having a chat on BBC Six Music about Manchester’s ghosts he was walking back up Oxford Street when he found a cracking barber in St James’s House. The charming hairdresser has been there for 25 years. Lovely man, very efficient too. And cheap. Sleuth doubts if there are any cheaper haircuts in town: £7.50 and it was done and dusted. Ladies read the amount and weep.

Ronaldo 70, Bailiffs 0
Is naughty Cristiano Ronaldo scoring goals and dodging debts? While bagging four for Real Madrid recently, bailiffs were outside his former home in Alderley Edge, which he still owns. One of the richest men in sport allegedly owes Manchester £70 after parking illegally in the city centre when he played for United. Apparently the bailiffs said it was worth the trip on the off-chance that he'd visited to check on the property. Sleuth reckons that was a ruse: he reckons they just wanted an excuse to poke around outside the five bedroom home and tell people about it in the pub later.

Parking fine... Pah

Guardian goes un-PC
Sleuth hears of anger at the Royal Exchange. Actor Jonathan Keeble, plays Arnholm in their current production, Ibsen's The Lady From the Sea. Lyn Gardner ran a sentence in her Guardian review recently which went: “There is much spiky fun to be had from the ageing tutor, Arnholm (Jonathan Keeble), who waddles like a duck..." Turns out Keeble is on the Equity disabilities register and has a musculo-skeletal disorder. And the Guardian is usually so right on as well...

Slack by name, slack by nature
Sleuth was stealing stories from the MEN the other day when a tragic story over an inquest into a canal fatality caught his eye. He was especially struck by the name of the policeman in charge of the investigation: ‘Det Sergeant FINDING NAME Slack’. Sleuth called the police press office, but they couldn’t locate the man, just like the MEN sub-editors it seems. Sleuth reckons it was a bit slack.

Goal-scoring Wigan beauty transfers to Arsenal
Sleuth got a gorgeous Twitter follower the other day. It turned out to be a frequently crocked Arsenal striker who surprisingly turns out to be a ‘lovely PR girl living in Wigan, interested in online bits and bobs, rugby league and fashion’. Here’s her Twitter page: @RobynVanPercy Sleuth wonders if she’s got a cracking left foot as well.

Take that and that and that and that
Sleuth is desperate to see Take That at the City of Manchester Stadium. If anybody has seen him body-popping to ‘Relight my Fire’ they’ll know what he means. Unfortunately the ticket prices seem a little excessive: £85 to £7m or something like that. Fortunately The Grouch was at The Willows Club in Weaste recently, the last traditional music hall in Greater Manchester. He spotted this poster. It seems like Sleuth will have lots of opportunity to get a bit of body-popping in after all. Ok, these are cover bands but if he goes to the Willows he’ll probably have about eighty quid left on an Eastlands ticket. And that’s about a ten nights out at The Willows.

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43 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

AdOctober 29th 2010.

I'm glad Lorenzo's closed down. Food poisoning, loud music played on speakers outside the bar at 1am on a weeknight, useless staff, using the pavement and road as their beer garden. F**K Lorenzos and their cheap microwaveable "tapas".

HJFOctober 29th 2010.

Very reasoned argument AD. I liked Lorenzos

catOctober 29th 2010.

I think its a shame that Bar Lorenzo has closed. A lively place, fantastic in the summer.

ADOctober 29th 2010.

I loved Lorenzos and I dont know who that AD above is but there giveing my good name a bad rep!

M30October 29th 2010.

Yet another case of NIMBY's having their way. I cannot understand why people move to places like the City Centre, Chorlton and Worsley and expect the peace and tranquility of a small hamlet in thre Chilterns.
Bar Lorenzo was a fantastic place, and was a passionately run business, which I'm sure I'm not alone in mouring its loss.
With astronomically high rents and rates in this part of town, I wonder how the "local residents" will feel when La Tasca or a Starbucks opens in its place.

Simone13024October 29th 2010.

Why is Starbucks considered the anti-christ? Decent coffee, nice interiors. If it were an independant you'd all be fawning over it. When do these places start to be evil? 2 branches? 10 braches? 100 branches?

M30October 29th 2010.

I'm giving Starbucks as an example.
I personally think Starbucks is fab (although the "To protect the quality of our coffee we ask you not to smoke" signs piss me off no end, and I'm a non-smoker). At least Starbucks is clean and has a standard of service, unlike some of the friendly "Indies" in M20, but I'm veering off topic.
As a former Chorlton resident, there seems to be a collective dislike for anything which is either popular or value for money.
For example, Tesco.
To move to Chorlton, an established "Bohemian" area and complain about noise from bars and restaurants is like moving to Wythenshawe or Wilmslow and complaining about noise from the airport.

M30October 29th 2010.

Typos: I meant unfriendly independent venues in M21
Damn my stroke.

DescartesOctober 29th 2010.

Yet more evidence that people in Chorlton are idiots.

Where was the keep Chorlton campaign on this one?

Simone13024October 29th 2010.

I get your point but if you push the bohemian angle to the exclusion of others then there's a big risk of moving from trendy to scruffy and seeing it slip from being an 'in' area.

fitzroyOctober 29th 2010.

Sums up some of the idiots who live in Chorlton. They love to think of themselves as these independent trader supporting bohemian liberals, opposing Tescos etc, but when somewhere is genuinely independent and different from the dreary tea-room/acceptably louche bar model, their inner conservative comes bursting out "Ooh the nasty man played music past 11pm, people were sitting at tables ON THE STREET" etc.

It was the only bar worth going to on Beech Road really.

loudmusic247October 29th 2010.

AD - get a life!

AristotleOctober 29th 2010.

That Descartes is getting clearly not living by 'I think therefore I won't leap in with sweeping statements'.

M30October 29th 2010.

In complete agreement Fitzroy.
The one pivotal thing which lets Chorlton down is the people who inhabit it.

viva lorenzoOctober 29th 2010.

I live in Chortlon and am absolutely gutted that the place has gone to the wall. There was a petition to save it, not widely publicised. All thanks to a long standing battle with a horrible neighbour. We have now lost the best bar AND restuarant on Beech Rd and, for me, best bar outside the city centre. Lorenzo, Juanjo, Diana, Alejandro & Mauro - you will be missed

James CaveOctober 29th 2010.

This is silly folks. Actually what distinguishes Chorlton generally is that the people there care so much about their suburb that they have created numerous locally focussed groups and activities that many thousands enjoy. To use that tired word 'community', many Chorlton people are engaged with their community. They take part not stand aside. Mancon affectionately joshes with many in Chorlton over their Tesco-stance, their leftfield nature, but wouldn't it be grand if people in other districts in Manchester cared so much about their home-districts and took on planners and others when they felt the need? It's that type of engagement which has gone from Newton Heath or Beswick.

TTOctober 29th 2010.

Lorenzos was incredible!!! Total tragedy it is gone!!! We don't even live in Chorlton but used to drive there specifically for Lorenzo's. A genuinely good, spontaneously fun bar, with cracking warm atmosphere. AD stick to your dull, sticky beer floor pubs.

FITZROYOctober 29th 2010.

Won't someone think of the house prices!!

TomegranateOctober 29th 2010.

Not to get sidetracked, but to answer the question about why people especially object to chains that give 'value and quality' in somewhere like Chorlton... well, aside from anything else, it makes life soul-destroyingly BORING. You know you're going to get the same style of service, the same product, the same style of decoration, whether you're in the supposedly quirky suburbs or the city centre, and whether the city is Manchester, or Glasgow, or Hamburg, or Austin. YAWN.
I like life to be full of variety and little surprises, even if some of them are nasty. What can give you a thrill thrill like, say, walking round Hulme on a Saturday morning and happening upon Kim by the Sea in your ignorance?
If you enjoy a life where you know what to expect, why bother living somewhere that ostensibly has a bit of an edge to it? Might as well live in Milton Keynes. Or just be dead.

Stuart BamberOctober 29th 2010.

Lorenzo closing had NOTHING to do with locals complaining. Maybe they should pay their bills.

M30October 29th 2010.

Tomegranate: When I'm shopping for groceries, I'm not looking for a quirky, edgy or avant garde experience. I'm looking to buy food. I personally use Tesco and use Bury Market for fresh stuff when i get the chance. Pensioners, young and single families, and those on low incomes cannot afford such pretentious purchasing. The problem many "Independent" cafes (and to an extent many of the bars) have in Chorlton is that they seem to be run for as a bit of a wheeze and social hub for the staff and their friends, with rudeness of service which an employee of Caffe Nero would never get away with. Strangers Not Welcome.

Anyway, I digress, this just goes to show that Chorltonites are just as myopic as Wilsmlowites.

TomegranateOctober 29th 2010.

You can buy food cheaply without going to a big supermarket. I should know, I'm on a low income. On the other hand I enjoy cooking.
Sorry if you like excuses for having a dull life. Not sorry that you've got a chip on your shoulder.
Interesting ≠ pretentious purchasing.
What is wrong with independents being run as a bit of wheeze?

TomegranateOctober 29th 2010.

Gah, that "â‰" should have rendered as the symbol for 'not equal'

KelvinOctober 29th 2010.

Glad to see from that link that Sleuth borrowed the 'dough balls' joke, as well as the story, from The Sun.

M30October 29th 2010.

If you honestly think that you can have an intersting life by doing your shopping in a dozen different places and paying through the nose for sub-standard produce, then you're only fooling yourself. I don't seek gratification in the vegetable aisle. If you think a pensioner living on less than £100 a week can buy her bread from Barbikan, then fill her trolley with expensive fairtrade oragnic veg from Unicorn, then you're clearly living on another planet.

What is wrong with independents being run as a bit of a wheeze? Because people expect a certain standard of service these days, places cannot be run just to please the owner's friends and provide rude service to anyone else.

Anyway, enough from the shopping snob, and let's mourn the passing of one of the best little venues Chorlton has had. I hope a brothel takes its place to stick two fingers up to the "liberal" NIMBYs


TomegranateOctober 29th 2010.

So in your mind there's no middle ground between being dirt poor and having no choice to shop at the supermarkets, and being a wealthy snob who overpays for luxury food at expensive delis? Sorry to break your illusion but there's plenty of options with a bit of imagination and effort. As I said, I for one don't have a lot of money and can avoid getting my food from the supermarkets. It doesn't mean that I'm loading up my 4WD with sacks of organic spelt in the Barbakan car park.

Get a grip and open your eyes to what's actually out there, and stop relating to the world based on ill-concieved narrow stereotypes.

And if independents run with bad service, it's their call. They'll go out of business soon enough. If they give good service, they'll prosper and they'll contribute a bit more variety on the street, wheeze or not. Sounds like you stepped out of your chain safety bubble once and got burned. Fair enough - back to Pizza Express you go.

Thomas13215October 29th 2010.

And no I don't think that just by avoiding supermarkets life would be interesting, that would be absurd. But shopping around does take away a bit of the daily drudge, and as they say, 'Every little helps'.

Happiness in an independant butcherOctober 29th 2010.

Tomegranate or Thomas, M30 has put forward some really good points. By choosing not to listen to them and simply choosing to argue back wherever possible makes you sound about 13.

tomegranateOctober 29th 2010.

Sorry, what good points were they now? All I read was a stereotype-laden narrow minded rant packed out with ridiculous assumptions. So what well-reasoned logical points am I meant to be listening to?
Bearing in mind that at no point did I advocate poor old granny should buy her weekly shopping from Unicorn. I'm only responding on the same level...

Simone13024October 29th 2010.

Can I second that Butcher and support M30. I think Tomegranate, despite the good name, has gone off on one and sounds like he needs a pint. An organic, fair trade pint from a local independant of course ;)

TomegranateOctober 29th 2010.

Hurrah, a second person agrees with spurious tripe. Must be reasonable and true now. Yawn. I'll pass on the £2 Carling pints at Wetherspoons as well thanks.

Simone13024October 29th 2010.

Did it take much effort to come across as such an idiot? Honestly, you've basically said that anyone who dares to frequent a chain of anything is boring which is a wild and ridiculous statement. Yet you accuse others of ridiculous assumptions? Nevermind needing a pint I think you may have had several already. Calm down. Christ, I'm off to the pub now, an independent.

TomegranateOctober 29th 2010.

"Honestly, you've basically said that anyone who dares to frequent a chain of anything is boring which is a wild and ridiculous statement."

Except I didn't say that at all, that's entirely your interpretation. So I've not made any wild and ridiculous statements. And you're going for twisting my words and personal insults... good job.

Grasher StringyOctober 29th 2010.

I love rants like these, they are so intelligent. For the record, I live in Blackley and God I wish I lived in Chorlton

AnonymousOctober 29th 2010.

a big cheer for Tomegranate. well put sir x

AnonymousOctober 29th 2010.

I live a stone's throw from Lorenzos. It was a nice bar and the food wasn't always awful. It did get stupidly busy when the sun was shining, blocking the pavements with lots of people in f*cking huge sun glasses. They also had bands playing outside, not busking, but with mikes and everything! So I can imagine it could have been annoying at times for some people who lived really close by. So it's sad that the disputes couldn't have been sorted out as it was a fine little bar. As for Chorlton independents, well there are some good shops, bars and restaurants but there is an equal number of really shite ones too. Viva Tesco Express

matt_the_saxOctober 30th 2010.

As a reply to "Not in my back yard" Ad (first comment) A typical whinging chorlton comment. Lorenzos was truely special. Live music fresh authentic tapas and fantastic accomodating Spanish staff. Go back and sip your Skinny Soya Latte get to bed by nine.

GrapevineOctober 30th 2010.

Anyone considered he might have had 'trouble with the law'?

ConManOctober 30th 2010.

Why have ManCon used a picture of Grace Jones to illustrate the Ronaldo story?

FunkNovember 1st 2010.

if you move into a house next to a bar and busy street then you should accept the consequences. we cant let a bunch of joyless lifeless gray people spoil the lives and lively hood of the region. I used to live on Wilbraham right in the centre... should I have sought the closure of dulcimer, electric, the bar A&S, etc etc... what a complete common sense disaster this is, I can see that process was followed, but perhaps people don't think about the wider implications of their actions and what they ask.

GrapevineNovember 1st 2010.

Funk, I cannot believe you are still going on about noise. Lorenzo had 'trouble with the law'!

AnonymousNovember 1st 2010.

@Funk,what happens if you were there before the bar? @Grapevine, what trouble? Can't say I'm surprised

the tax-manNovember 1st 2010.


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