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Sleuth 26/11/10

Free Engel's tour, Greggs theme park for Manchester, Mark E Smith breathalyser’s installed in cars?

Published on November 26th 2010.

Sleuth 26/11/10

Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week. We give £25 for every story/rumour and piece of absurdity you find for us to print. We ask for the money back if any legal action follows.

Gregg’s World for Manchester?
Beneath the Confidential office there used to be a Greggs. It was the busiest in the world with queues that could be seen from the moon. It presented the perfect antidote to Confidential’s daily diet of fois gras, Alba truffles, sweetbreads and finest Beluga caviar. Then two weeks ago Greggs moved to a distant location.

Sleuth became troubled. He had dreams which he thought real. So he made a phone call.

“When will Gregg’s World happen?” Sleuth asked Greggs’ headoffice.

“Eh?” came the reply.

“I was reading the press release about the new Gregg’s World theme park. You know the one where there’ll be sausage rolls for log flumes and ring doughnuts as waltzers. There’s going to be that tunnel of love in which couples float serenely in Bavarian Slices.”

“We didn’t send out such a press release,” said the man in Greggs, "but I’ll call back, when I have some more information."

“This is a number of a psychiatrist,” said the man calling back.

One day, thought Sleuth, one day and he drifted off into a dream of a Baked Bean Pasty Big Dipper.

National costume of Rochdale Sleuth was invited to the Lord Mayor’s Reception this week. The dress code was listed as ‘lounge suit/evening wear/ national costume’. Sleuth wondered what the national costume for Rochdale was - his place of birth. Easy really: something that sums up a sharp wit, a ready smile, and a penchant for alcoholism. Ask any Rochdalian. Perhaps even a mackintosh, a fedora and a red tie, maybe a camera.

Manchester’s vodka girl
Sleuth loves the new calendar from Revolution Bar. It has pictures of girls, course it does – but pictures from around the country of ‘vodka girls’. The picture below shows Manchester’s vodka girl Jessica. The picture below that shows a Manchester vodka girl about 1am.

Breathalyser before you go-go
Sleuth was in a coach last week. It was a coach from Ellison’s in St Helen’s and it was very posh, leather seats, wi-fi, a booth at the back. “What’s that?” said Sleuth pointing to a gizmo near the steering wheel. “That’s a breathalyser,” said the charming driver Mike. “If the vehicle is stopped for more than a half hour then you have to blow into it before it will start again. If you fail the test it won’t start and you’re stuck. It'll probably be standard in all vehicles within a few years.” Christ, thought Sleuth, Big Brother really is coming? “Do all the drivers for Ellison’s have them fitted?” Sleuth asked. “No,” said Mike, “a lad called Phil doesn’t. But then he’s teetotal.” That what he says thought Sleuth.

Breathalyser in the coach

Free Jonathan Schofield tour

Sleuth hears that Confidential editor Jonathan Schofield has got some sponsorship for his Engel’s Day tour on Sunday. This means the tour will be free.

Engels, born in Barmen, Germany, was the joint father of the Communist Manifesto with Karl Marx. He was also a reluctant Manchester capitalist and lived for 22 years in the city. He remains one of the 19th century’s more fascinating and engaging figures. 28 November 2010 is 190 years to the day since Friedrich Engels was born. November 2010 is 168 years since Engels first arrived in Manchester. 2010 is 140 years since Engels left Manchester permanently.

The tour also takes in the most magical place in the city – Chetham’s Library, a building of the 1420s with a library from the 1650s where both Engels and Marx studied. The tour lasts two hours and starts at 11.30am. To apply for a place email jgschofield@btinternet.com Numbers are limited so don’t dally Chetham’s Library

As long as you’ve got you’re ‘elf
The Grouch (Click here) was walking past the lovely music shop that is Forsyth’s on Deansgate recently when he saw these dainties. The sign said they were Mahalo ukeles made by Hawaiian elves. He bought one. Grouch is now looking for an Hawaiian elf to play the ukele and sooth his painful red eyes. But where can you buy an elf? Any ideas folks?

Guerrilla with Gorillaz
Mark E Smith, The Fall frontman, wooed the audience in his unique way at a magnificent Gorillaz gig last week - see picture above. As a special guest he swayed onto stage, tottered into the microphone looked at the lyrics he had written out, sang them for a bit, tried to bang the guitarist’s strings with the mic, knocked over a speaker, threw his mic on the floor and buggered off. “Who was he?” asked Sleuth’s son. “Mark E Smith, and he’s been doing that for thirty years,” said Sleuth thinking that the distance between being a total cock and a genius is very short.

Jonathan Ross punishmentSleuth was at Manchester Airport recently when he saw a man who'd been forced to wear a Jonathan Ross tag and stand in the corner. Here he is. He must have been very naughty, thinks Sleuth.

Sleuth’s lies to tell tourists
The area close to Manchester City Stadium is going to be developed into Greggs’ World, there’ll be sausage rolls for log flumes and ring doughnuts as waltzers. There’s going to be a tunnel of love in which couples float serenely in Bavarian slices. It’ll be built on land owned by the Abu Dhabi people who own City. Those princes love an apple turnover as much as the next sheikh.

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13 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

Eddy EngelsNovember 26th 2010.

What would Freidrich and Karl have thought of Jonathan taking corporate sponsorship to tell their story i wonder? Unless he is being sponsored by Greggs of course - who have done more for the working classes then them two work shy fops ever did.

Jonathan Schofield - editorNovember 26th 2010.

The means justify the ends Eddy, and the sponsorship ain't corporate.

Freddy EngelsNovember 26th 2010.

I never doubted that a man of your integrity would take the filthy lucre of capitalist oppressors. I have heard however that Peel are sponsoring a rival Walk of Walks - it will be huge, out of town and you need to drive to it.

AvoNovember 26th 2010.

Sleuth, you forgot to mention the story where Gordo was totally shitfaced in Corridor last night and tried to make me dance with him. Your marketing team are such skin flints that they smoked half my cigarettes too. That is all.

GadgeNovember 26th 2010.

"As long as you´ve got you´re ‘elf"
I suppose that's a pun on "As long as you´ve got YOUR health", so the drole answer to the question is that you'd buy one at a 'elf store.

GordoNovember 26th 2010.

Blimey Avo, cant remeber that; i do remember asking Becky Want if I could feel her EDITORIALLY REMOVED: Gordo, we thought you might be sober now

Kevin TilleyNovember 26th 2010.

"Then two weeks ago Greggs moved to a distant location."

Must be all of a 100m away, next to Samsi. I know it's not quite the same as being at the foot of your stairs but...

simonbuckleyNovember 26th 2010.

Gordo, It wasn't Becky Want it was me and the answer's still "no".

DIBIGONovember 26th 2010.

Manchester Vodka girl.. ha ha very good

AvoNovember 27th 2010.

Shitfaced or not, Gordo still looked resplendent in his suit. Sat in a booth. Taking up the whole of the booth.

YousafNovember 27th 2010.

Engels Day interesting. We should make this a big celebration every year

KMNovember 27th 2010.

I'm a jealous man: I was more important than Freddie, everyone knows that.

alNovember 27th 2010.

Last year or perhaps the year before Viz did a strip where Lotte learns how to become a member of The Fall. It's quite good with superb sketches of Mr E Smith.

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