Sleuth 26/03/2010

Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week. We give £25 for every story/rumour and piece of absurdity you find for us to print. We ask for the money back if any legal action follows.

Naked men: the truth

Sleuth loved this from the Park Inn, Manchester, last week. Apparently the reason behind why so many men find themselves naked in hotel corridors is easily discovered. They have too much to drink, they wake up with an urgent need to relieve themselves, they get up, they find a door, they assume it's the bathroom, they open it and stumble in. Only it's out. Into the corridor. Sleuth likes the cascading logic of this, as one foolishness leads to another. And then to despair as the door clicks shut and the awareness of one's geographical location kicks in.

Owl nightlife

Sleuth's had some wild nights out. But never with an owl. Seems some guests at the Park Inn had a particularly good time recently. On checking out they left a two foot owl. Here's the picture. It's not a real owl of course, but one of those plaster ones used to scare pigeons from buildings. Sleuth is intrigued. Sleuth wants to know which club these lads had been to. Sleuth wants to know which club has a dress code including large plaster owls and the need to protect oneself from pigeons.

Gun children

So Sleuth needs a CRB check to coach his son's football team. No problem there. But Sleuth hates the State making citizens prove their innocence: seems somehow sinister and the wrong way round. So Sleuth found it amusing that amongst the necessary ID needed to get the approval, alongside passports and driver's licence, a valid document is a firearms licence. Brilliant. “Now kids if you don't listen during penalty practice I'm going to blow you away with my Smith and Wesson.”

Sleuth's favourite typographical error of the week

Sleuth loved the recent MEN article about working for the Foreign Office. It was an interesting piece referring in both the headline and the body of the article to the Diplomatic Corps. Only it spelt it the Diplomatic Core. Sleuth supposes they wanted to get to the heart of the matter.

Sleuth went to the Press Club

Sleuth went to the Press Club on Thursday night - Manchester's original all nighter venue. He knows this because somebody told him he was there. The only rule of Press Club is if you're there, you're so pissed you have no idea you're there. The second rule of Press Club is don't go. Sleuth took the lanterns from the tunnel tours that Confidential had been doing earlier that night. They were confiscated by Press Club security. They must have been offensive lanterns.

Heroic injury

Sleuth was going to visit Damson restaurant in Heaton Thingy the other day but circumstance rose up and prevented it. Still he had a chat to that lovely man Steve Pilling, late of the Chop Houses, who runs the place. Steve was resting at home after injuring a limb. “What happened was that I was recently prospecting for oil in Newfoundland,” Steve said. “I was doing this with Russian engineers who were all ex-special forces. I entered a cage fighting contest and this happened when I knocked over the last challenger in the final.” “Wow, amazing” said Sleuth. “Although,” said Steve, “that lying moo-cow who claims to be my wife is spreading it about that I injured myself trying to lift a wide screen telly in the domestic residence.”

Radio dead air

Sleuth was listening to Mani, of the Stone Roses and Primal Scream, being interviewed on Radio Five on Sunday morning after United's victory over Liverpool. He was talking about his love of Manchester United. “And one last thing,” he said, “that Lucas who plays for Liverpool. Apparently he's the worst Brazilian since Rafa Benitez' took his wife to the beauty parlour.” Sleuth has never heard a live feed cut off so quickly in his life.

Stretford Tesco goes to Parliament

It's campaign time. John Leech, the Liberal Democrat MP for Manchester Withington by the slimmest of margins, has 'tabled an Early Day Motion' as they say. This is House of Commons speak for raising an issue of concern to a MP who wants to get re-elected. The motion reads: ' That this House notes with concern the decision by Trafford Council Planning Committee to approve plans for a giant Tesco store in Stretford; recognises the potential impact that this decision will have on the viability of local centres and in particular the viability of independent retailers in the surrounding areas of Chorlton district centre and Stretford Mall; and therefore urges the Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government to call in the decision.' Not that the proposed Tesco is in Leech's constituency, but hey if he wants that Chorlton vote (which comes under the Withington area) then he needs to show a bit of willing over this.

Worst joke of the year

So Sleuth hears that last week all the footy players were again in Rosso at the top of King Street. Apparently Kolo Toure of City was celebrating his birthday with fellow players Emmanuel Adebayor, Shay Given, Pablo Zabaleta, Vincent Company, Patrick Vieira, Nigel de Jong and Wayne Bridge . They asked for seafood. “What about calamares?” said the the waiter, “it comes from Cornwall, it's English.” Everybody shook their head, “We can't,” said Toure, “we've promised Wayne none of us will have anything to do with the English squid.” Geddit! Now part of that story is true. You guess which one.

The Council Leader gets sexy

Sleuth's learns that the Health and Beauty editor, Lynda Moyo, bumped into Sir Richard Leese this week. “I do those photoshops of you as various communist leaders,” she said, “do you like them?” “Well,” said the Council Leader, “to be honest, I preferred the one the MEN did a while ago of my head on David Beckham's body.” This happened when Sir Richard had been on holiday in the Far East and news got back that he'd been wearing a sarong. Sleuth didn't want to upset the Council Leader with anymore Communist shenanigans so...........

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