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Sleuth 25/6/2010

Brown bread is dangerous, pie flicks, speech problems, UFOs and CCTV

Published on June 28th 2010.


Sleuth 25/6/2010

Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week. We give £25 for every story/rumour and piece of absurdity you find for us to print. We ask for the money back if any legal action follows.

Pie Victory costs £10
Sleuth and the Confidential team got giddy watching England beat Slovenia on Wednesday and then got giddier in the Castlefield marquee after trying to drink the place dry. Being English, with a naturally competitive and absurd spirit, Sleuth issued a challenge to Joanna Simpson of Life PR who was messing with a substantial pork pie. Could she flick said substantial pie into the fancy bowl of candles in the centre of the table? Ten pounds changed hands over the subsequent wager: but did Sleuth or Joanna win? By the way the celebration matches anything in the World Cup.

Click here to watch the video

Speechless at Manchester Art Gallery
Sleuth was mc-ing and speaking at the Manchester Art Gallery Annual Dinner for sponsors last week. He was also announcing other speakers, such as Virginia Tandy, the charming, Director of Culture for Manchester. “Introduce her and then leave her speech on the lectern and come back,” the organiser said. Sleuth did the intro, shook Virginia’s hand and skipped down the stairs away from the elevated lectern. The organiser’s jaw had dropped, Sleuth was still clutching the speech. “I’ll go back,” he said. Virginia was forging on from memory like a proper trooper as if nothing had happened. “My speech has finally arrived,” said Virginia to the audience as Sleuth passed it over and retreated, red faced, as people giggled and pointed.

Hen hell in strip dilemma
Sleuth was talking to Simon Buckley of Rags to Bitches last week about the party he was going to hold in his Tib Street shop. Simon was telling him about one of the events he’d hosted the previous Saturday. ‘I spent that night in the shop hiding from a hen party. I was hosting one in the basement and at about ten they decided to look for volunteer strippers. They sent out a posse up Tib Street and found a slightly drunk and cocky Scottish guy in the Northern. He came in, started to go downstairs, took one look at the baying mob, and fled. They then asked me. So I hid’.

Sleuth’s fat fact of the week
Sleuth loved the two cameramen taking snaps at the Manchester Day Parade. The rotund characters couldn’t help put him in mind of Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-dee and the Manchester wordsmith John Byrom (1692-1763). The two fatties were made famous in Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland. But it was Byrom, satirising the ferocious rivalry of composers Handel and Bononcini, who coined the phrase. It may have come from a Lancashire folk tale prior to that.

‘Some say, compar'd to Bononcini/ That Mein Herr Handel's but a Ninny/ Others aver, that he to Handel/ Is scarcely fit to hold a Candle/ Strange all this Difference should be/ 'Twixt Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-dee.’

Brown bread is dangerous
Here is incontrovertible proof that brown bread is dangerous. Sleuth’s always thought so. Sleuth was leading thirty Confidential readers on a Northern Quarter ghost tour last Saturday when he came across this sorry sight. Stick to white sliced Warburton’s folks. For your own sake. Save yourselves.

Camera shy
Sleuth and the family cycled into the city centre for the Manchester Day celebrations. They left their bikes outside the Town Hall, watched the parade, came back, and one of the bikes had been snaffled by a ne’er-do-well thief. A passing policeman took the details. He stopped for a second to look round at the buildings and lamp-posts. “It’s odd sometimes this city,” he said. “We’re right outside the Town Hall on Lloyd Street - next to the Town Hall Extension. The place is always having important people visiting, yet there’s no CCTV.”

UFS - Unidentified Flying Squad
Sleuth hears from Todmorden about more unexplained happenings in the valleys. A Confidential writer was walking past the police station and there was a crowd staring at the sky. 'Taking the piss, our man says, I asked, "What are you lot doing? Looking for UFOs?” People in the crowd excitedly jabbered, “Have you seen it too?”’ Todmorden and Longdendale have some notoriety – according to certain types of people - for extraterrestrial activity. Indeed back in the 70s local policeman Alan Godfrey claimed to have been abducted. As our writer says, “Alan’s a nice man, but they must have thought he was one of their own. Few were surprised when they returned him so quickly.”

Todmorden and some localsSleuth's future lies to tell tourists
Deansgate was where England paraded the 2010 World Cup when they brought it home


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10 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

Hero
GordoJune 25th 2010.

are you being fattist there Schofield, you middle class chorlton bike riding Unicorn visiting work dodger?

NortherngeezerJune 25th 2010.

Excellent wrist action pie flicker, excellent...........errrrr, can i have yer phone number by any chance ;-)

Leigh ScottJune 25th 2010.

someone needs to put tweedle-dee's left leg back on straight!

AvoJune 25th 2010.

Did Sleuth use a length of licourice to secure that bike?

SleuthJune 25th 2010.

Gordo come on fatties are funny. And I am not Schofield. He is currently being workshy at Tom's looking at art the middle class loafer. While you Sleuth hears is being workshy on the piss all afternoon with the Malmaison senior management.

NortherngeezerJune 25th 2010.

Malmaison management..............FFS, i can feel another deal coming on!

AnonymousJune 25th 2010.

I had my bike swiped in exactly the same place, a few years ago. Months later I was also handed a Fixed Penalty Notice, on nearly the same spot, by a Council employee in plain clothes who spotted me dropping a cigarette as I walked by.
Of course I deserve no sympathy for the latter but I do feel a pang of resentment every time I walk past what is, for me, a very expensive part of town.

SleuthJune 26th 2010.

Avo. Not licorice no, shoe laces tied to a very stong mouse which was supposed to squeak loudly if approached by villians. It's always worked before.

MancmanJune 27th 2010.

If England lose I know how that pigeon feels

Hero
GordoJune 27th 2010.

Erm, strange date that Schoey

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