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Sleuth 25/03/2011

Crazy: Census and CRB bureaucracy. Plus fridge on a bike, tunnels and best breakfast

Published on March 26th 2011.

Sleuth 25/03/2011

Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week. We give £25 for every story/rumour and piece of absurdity you find for us to print. We ask for the money back if any legal action follows.


Sleuth’s best Breakfast in the North of the week
This is from The Quarter Restaurant and Deli on Faulkner Street in Liverpool. £7.50 and utterly glorious.

Sleuth’s fave mad bureaucracy of the week
This picture is a snap of the 2011 census that we all have to fill in on 27 March. Read it people. What’s going on with question 17? What the hell are they hiding?

Sleuth’s bureaucratic filter of the week
Sleuth’s chum was trying to point out by email that an NHS health report he was reading was gobbledygook. Unfortunately he wasn’t allowed to point it out as the word gobbledygook was filtered out of the email. Its final syllable is ‘gook’ which was an unsavoury US military term for the soldiers and insurgents they fought against during the Vietnam War. Of course the gook in gobbledygook is nothing to do with that one. Then again Sleuth reckons the word could have been filtered out for ‘gobble’ too. Good job the report didn’t refer to the NHS in Scunthorpe.

Sleuth’s toilet observation of the week
Sleuth is grateful to Ed for this comment who came on Sleuth’s Great Northern Tunnel tour last week. ‘Thank you for a fantastic tour,’ he wrote and then mentioned one of the features remaining from the tunnel’s conversion into bomb shelters in WWII. ‘I suggest we keep the existence of that chemical toilet secret from the Council before they open it to the general public as some form of recompense following the closure of practically every other public convenience in the city… (The other one of course being ‘p*ss alley’ next to the T-Mobile shop on Market Street)’.

By the way Ed had his charming mother along for the tour. She was visiting from the Cotswolds in Gloucestershire. “I love coming to Manchester,” she said, “it’s such a beautiful city.” Sleuth loves positivity. Truth comes from the eye of the beholder.

Knife edge at Airport
Sleuth was down at Epernay at Manchester Airport recently, the airside bar – there’s another Epernay in town. Chatting to staff there he discovered that they have to count the knives three times a day, if one goes missing the airport closes. Sleuth once knew a person who was a bit obsessive about the cutlery like that. She probably would have closed the street down if anything had gone missing.

Confidential victory
Last week Confidential pointed out the hypocrisy of the Manchester Art Gallery catering company Compass, promoting local products and then selling Fuller’s London Pride ale. It seems we might have got a result – as footy people say. This on the rants: ‘Manchester Art Gallery does work with our catering partner to source products locally for the gallery cafe and events. Our black pudding is from Bury and all our other meat and any bread and cakes not made on the premises are from suppliers based within a few miles of the gallery. However, fair point about the beer! We're meeting with our regional catering manager next week to identify a suitable local supplier.’ Sleuth says hurrah.

Sleuth’s fridge on a bike pic of the week
This pic was taken in Spinningfields. It’s a fridge on a bike. Maybe it’s battery powered. Maybe that fella likes a cold drink when cycling.

Sleuth’s other mobile cool device
Here’s a picture of Gordo and Schofield skipping school to buy ice cream from Bernardo Scappaticci, one of the original Italian ice cream vendors in Manchester sometime in the early twentieth century. Gordo's on the right.

Sleuth's sneaky photo of the week
Is this a well-known Manchester photographer sneaking up on these people in Exchange Square? Or is it all legit?

Sleuth’s fast moving Council Leader of the Week
Sleuth is wondering whether Council Leader Sir Richard Leese, on the left in the picture below, was delivering more than one signature during the confirmation of an Air Etihad contact centre at the Airport. There's a curious symmetry to this photo. Did Sir Richard Leese nip ninja-style to the other side of the table, slip some glasses on, change his tie, and sign again?

Sleuth’s joint fave bureaucracy of the week
This is a picture of the CRB (Criminal Records Bureau) form Sleuth had to get to make sure he could coach the Oswald Road football team his own son plays in. His own son. On the front it thankfully says Sleuth is clean.

On the back it says: ‘The CRB is not responsible for the accuracy of police records...If the person to whom the Disclosure relates (i.e. Sleuth in this case) is aware of any inaccuracy in the information...he or she should contact the Countersignatory immediately to prevent an inappropriate decision’.

So if you are a nasty person or the police made a mistake you should turn yourself in? Is that likely? What Sleuth thinks and hopes is that this clause is for those who have failed a CRB check but feel wronged. The problem is that when bureaucracy tries to speak in simple English, it often ends up so simple it becomes difficult to understand.

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27 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

Damn, now need foodMarch 25th 2011.

I'm skipping on the train to Liverpool now

Eddy Lockheed MartinMarch 25th 2011.

The missing question in the census is something to do with the Welsh. Apparently.

Adam RichmondMarch 25th 2011.

In Wales the question reads something like "Do you speak Welsh?".

Taffy nineMarch 25th 2011.

Or is it something like: How many members of a Welsh male voice choir live in your house?

Radio5March 25th 2011.

In which room does the ubiquitous Robbie Savage live?

Tamar SmithMarch 25th 2011.

Apparently they want to keep the British and Welsh census' as similar as possible. Q17 is about the Welsh language, and therefore blank on the British one.

DescartesMarch 25th 2011.

Word, you mean *English* and Welch census surely?

jimMarch 25th 2011.

The bloke on the right hand side of the table is Charlie Cornish CEO of MAG; lovely bloke, I used to work with him when he was a Director at United Utilities. SLEUTH says: sorry I can't tell my left from my right, nor my arse from my elbow. Now corrected. Thanks Jim

Missing questionMarch 25th 2011.

Why not then just say that about the Welsh? Did they think we were too stupid to understand. They could have said: Q17 Do you live in Wales? If not go to Q18.

DibigoMarch 25th 2011.

I've got a bone to pick with Wales at the moment. It's football related so it's not the end of the world, but ahead of the match tomorrow, it is with regards to the GB Olympic football team. So Celts don't want to play for Great Britain, fair enough that, but don't Swansea and Cardiff play in the English football league, benefitting from tv revenue and gate receipts from playing English teams? What if we chucked their two 'big teams' out of the league and left them to play in the league of Wales(?). What then? Keep your national identity Wales (when it suits you), and your mud, and stick it.

Ali McGowanMarch 25th 2011.

Good work regarding Fullers - but... they do make bloody good beer!!!!

Brekkie LoverMarch 25th 2011.

Can Sleuth find a Best Brekkie in Manchester, this being 'Manchester Confidential' rather than one in Liverpool, and adding 'Best breakfast in the North" as a disclaimer?

By the time you'd get to Liverpool, no doubt you'd be told Brekkie was finished!

SleuthMarch 25th 2011.

Just wanted to give credit where credit's due this particular week Brekkie Lover. The Quarter's breakfast was excellent. My Manchester fave's are Koffee Pot, Cafe North, Ciccetti and Alchemist.

Secret SquirrelMarch 25th 2011.

Question 18 is actually "are you really a Jedi or just taking the piss". Only real Jedi's can see it, so it's the only way to find the true believers and get them to save the world.

EnglishLordMarch 25th 2011.

Naw, that breakfast is far too poncy to be the best in the North. A garnish? Pffft!

Like bacon sandwiches an English Breakfast is best when it cheap, i.e. flourescent baked beans, shop-bought thin white bread, sausage, bacon, black pudding, mushrooms and a fried tomato. Come on it's supposed to be dirrrrrty. Embrace it.

Brian CMarch 25th 2011.

That photographer perhaps should have taken the far better picture Sleuth took. That of the very appealling callypygous of the lady wearing mustard.

Micky MinerMarch 25th 2011.

The best northern breakfast is not getting a slap off the missus before I head out to work in t'mine.

simonbMarch 26th 2011.

Think the people in the picture are the fabulous The Jessie Rose Trip, so guess that it was a publicity shoot.

NortherngeezerMarch 26th 2011.

Best breakfast in the north my arse!!!!
The toast is too light, the sausage undercooked, the tomato overcooked, and dont get me started on pats of butter ffs.

SleuthMarch 27th 2011.

At last. Yes SimonB, Sleuth knew that really. But it was an intriguing site and amusing the people walking past.

AmelieMarch 27th 2011.

This rant is left intentionally blank. Please go to the next rant.

McCraggeMarch 27th 2011.

Northern geezer, it's only the best breakfast of the week, maybe there's another best one for this week

NortherngeezerMarch 27th 2011.

Correction noted McCragge, i should have read the headline, not just the article.
PS - It still looks shyte tho, even after a 2nd viewing.

GordoMarch 28th 2011.

Northern, it was I who ate that breakfast and it was a bloody good one. I have, however, eaten five or six since, a couple of which have been belters.

GordoMarch 28th 2011.

BTW, whats this bloody habit of shoving the toast on the plate of food instead of a sideplate? How am I going to get the butter on it? Anyone serving breakfasts note, you will be getting points knocked off for this bad, sloppy habit.

NortherngeezerMarch 28th 2011.

Gordo, all i can say then is it must have tasted better than it looks, tho that might be down to yer usual shyte Mancon piccys.
That sausage definatley looks anaemic, it looks like its only cooked on one side, its not been 'turned' with love.
Wot about the bacon, it looks like its hidden under the parsley.........PARSLEY, FFS!!!!.
I agree with you on the toast, i always ask for mine well done, uncut, and on the side.
I'm a big boy now, i can butter and cut 'em meself now, ask me mam.

Brekkie LoverMarch 29th 2011.

Sleuth, thank you. Went to Koffee Pot on Saturday. Good recommendation. Im sure they're seats are slightyl tilted forwards though to make you eat and go as quick as you can!

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