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Sleuth 25/01/2008

A-list Hollywood star – Ben Affleck - looking for Manchester home and pet shop shock

Published on January 25th 2008.


Sleuth 25/01/2008

Art gallery trolley dash
Sir Terry Leahy (the Tesco CEO) was attending a function this week at the Whitworth Art Gallery with Sir Alan Gilbert, the boss of the University of Manchester. Sleuth noted that there were some 40 demonstrators from the Keep Chorlton Interesting Group (i.e. no Tesco) with drums, banners and agit-prop theatre. Of course the Gallery is home to the organic and award-winning Peter Booth's cafe which had just had a delivery from Suma, the wholefood people, just as the drumming started. Meanwhile members of Gallery staff were making their own anti-Tesco protest by carrying work into the Gallery in Waitrose plastic bags.

Essential truths
Sleuth was intrigued by the Confidential story this week about Scientology. Apparently these folk are worried about how the essences of aliens have formed around people causing them spiritual harm. Right. Sleuth therefore wondered why they wanted to choose a large factory site in Old Trafford as their potential home. This was until he learnt its former name and function, Duckworth’s Essence Distillery. Now it all makes sense. Where once it was about extracting the essence of anchovies and garlic now it’s the essences of those pesky aliens.

Heavy petting
Sleuth was sliding through Swinton the other day when he saw this sign outside a pet shop. Buy a cage get a free hamster. Lovely idea. Cart before the horse and all that, but nice one. If you needed a cage – to store your Stella in for instance - you could throw away the hamster and put it safely locked up in there. Or maybe give the hamster to Freddie Starr for lunch and buy a guinea pig for the cage. Endless opportunities.

A turn off
Sleuth has just recieved the official figures from the How Do, Hill Dickenson vote for the North West Top Brands poll late last year. Confidential won one of the awards by miles. The other entries fared less well. Sleuth was particularly intrigued by the poor showing of the Guardian Media Group's Channel Erm, the local TV station. This got one percent of the vote. And the category of the award? ‘The One to Watch’. Oops.

Envelope stuffing
Name of the week. This comes in the story about lobby firm PPS Group mailing Greater Manchester councillors on behalf of Peel Holdings telling them to oppose congestion charging. The signatory of the letter was Rachel Eatwell. Sleuth wants to go into partnership with her. Come on Rachel, Sleuth’s thinking a cookery series, maybe a diet video. Or a guide to really stuffing yourself and putting on weight. Get in touch Rachel, let’s meet up over a long, long lunch.

Roundabout solution
Sleuth was at a Salford meeting about how to control crazy kids. Sleuth had an idea when someone mentioned the problem of ‘violent kids hanging around on street corners.’ He suggested round streets. Build everything in a circle. Problem solved. If any developers or local government officials want to have a chat they can contact Sleuth through the usual channels.

Hollywood on Oldham Street
And finally more surprising news about Afflecks Palace following last week’s surprise bid by Mohamed Al-Fayed to convert it into a Harrods. It appears that a new risk has appeared on the horizon for the traders. Apparently Ben Affleck on hearing there’s a palace with the family name in the city made a shock visit as our totally genuine – honest it really is – picture shows here. He looked very pleased with himself. Almost proud. Later in the bar of the Castle pub Affleck was heard to say over a pint of Robinson’s Unicorn bitter, “If I ever get back with Jenny from the Block I just know she’d love some goth T-shirts from the ground floor.”

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T LeahyJanuary 25th 2008.

I might buy that Whitworth Art Galley. I might the Univesity too. I might even buy Manchester and make it the biggest supermarket ever.

JimJanuary 25th 2008.

I live on a roundabout, in a tent and we have no crime. I'm going to get a cage now though so I can have a little company.

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