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Sleuth 24/08/07

Beetham is alarming, mole grips and back street not Maine Road

Published on August 24th 2007.


Sleuth 24/08/07

Cock-a-doodle doh
Beetham Tower is humming again. The problem which plagued locals and luvvies at Corrie last year has returned. Sleuth hears that local residents have been woken up in the early hours by a deep reverberating sound like someone blowing very loudly over a bottle top. An earlier solution of fitting foam pads around the glass on the vane above the main tower has now failed. Remedial work will begin on 3 September. In the meantime residents nearby have the biggest alarm clock in the world - whether they want it or not and without a snooze facility.

Press club ploy
If the building hums what tune would it adopt? Some wag wondered if it would be ‘Men in Black’ - after all Beetham’s architect and top-floor resident, Ian Simpson, is renowned for his love of the funereal shade. Another wag wondered if the humming has been initiated by the Press Club. Apparently that venerable toilet on Queen Street, with the décor of a Working Mens’ Club circa 1974, is suffering after the smoking ban (people can smell it for what it is) and the technological breakthrough of non-sticky carpets in other city centre late-night bars. Perhaps the Press Club is trying to wake residents up at 4am in case they might care to pop out for a can of invigorating Red Stripe.

Football fashion
The new shop in Manchester Arndale G-Star Raw, a fashion store à la Bench, is part-owned by the amiable and charming Gary McAllister, ex Leeds United, Liverpool and Scotland football star. Sleuth was a little surprised when Gary faced with a photoshoot asked an assistant to pick him out a shirt. Partner in a fashion emporium and don’t know what to wear - how odd? Sleuth was even more surprised when the ex-player described himself as a silent partner. Er…Gary, note to self - silent partners don’t do press calls.

Back Pissadilly
There’s Piccadilly and then parallel to it is Back Piccadilly, a narrow street cutting through from Tib Street towards Picc Station. Creatures from the anthropological experiment which is the junction of Oldham Street and Piccadilly use this as the longest urinal in the North. Sleuth found this notice on a doorway first up from Back Pissadilly on Spear Street. What are mole grips by the way?

Piccadilly pavement artist
Sleuth is a part time ornithologist. He loves vultures, but only the ones that can fly. On Tuesday he was walking through Piccadilly Gardens when the legal firm of Scumbag and Grabit had leafleteers prowling around thrusting cards in people’s faces. Just in front of Sleuth one of these aggressive young folk bellowed, “have you ever been compensated?” and lurched, card in hand, towards a man so violently the man tripped and fell. A passerby got it right. “Reckon, you’ve got a claim there,” he said to the fallen man.

Something in the water
Sleuth and others have noticed that the white stone pavements and statues of Piccadilly are turning red. Sleuth contacted the Council, apparently: ‘water drawn from a borehole underneath the Gardens has a high iron content. We are planning to install a filtration system and will be arranging for the stonework to be cleaned.’ So it’s not, as Sleuth suspected, the Nike and Lacoste zippers from the sportswear clad locals leaching onto the monuments.

Derby dearth
Sleuth has welcomed Manchester City's remarkable winning start to the season, including their 1-0 defeat of Manchester United last Sunday, but it seems that not everyone in the Blue half of the city has warmed to the club's controversial new owner, deposed Thai prime minister Thaksin Shinawatra. Despite crowing that the Thai takeover during the summer had resulted in an upsurge of season ticket requests and renewals, City were forced to put tickets for the match on general sale last week, and, for the first time in living memory, the derby failed to sell out. The crowd of 44,955 was just under 2,300 down on the gate for last season's equivalent match, in May, when 47,244 witnessed a 1-0 win for United.

Famous for doing drugs
Sleuth is annoyed. ITV1 has a series called Don’t Call Me Stupid (starting 4 September) which features James Whitaker, ex-royal correspondent, and Bez, ex..er..freaky dancer from Happy Mondays. The programme takes two celebrities (these are celebrities?), profiles and questions them about their interests. Whitaker is reported as saying, “We could be in different worlds. It’s almost like trying to learn Chinese.” Trouble is Bez seems to have become a cultural, or anti-cultural, ambassador for Manchester. Not his fault to take the money and run but it paints us as backward and boorish. Bez has become the 21st century equivalent of flat cap, clogs and whippets – a cliché for the rest of the country to beat us with. Meanwhile Don’t Call Me Stupid shows how desperate the awful ITV1 has become. They should do a show called Let’s Close Down. Maybe Channel Erm could take over and go national.

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13 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

HolmesAugust 24th 2007.

Interesting observation on the Derby gate Sleuth... fails to recognise the stupidity of the FA in putting this treasured fixture in August when the working man and woman - and therefore the core of City's support has the rare opportunity to take a holiday. Expect new found optimism to create unexpected sell outs against Wigan and Boro.

Thaddeus ThrippsAugust 24th 2007.

Mole grips are... a large tool for gripping, erm, moles.No... that doesn't sound right.And what will be shoved down the 'throut'... the mole grips, or the nuts? Or both???'Pissing up the door'... surely impossible. Unless there's a localised anti-gravity field operating in that doorway!

richard hjAugust 24th 2007.

as an ex-pat of spear street i can confirm your story. every scum weasel of manchester seems to think it's the ideal spot for a dump, p*ss or smack session. is there some sort of urinary ley line passing through that part of the city?

keithAugust 24th 2007.

Info for city centre high rise dwellers, a molegrip is for getting moles out of the lawn, at least that's what my gardener told me.

Will ClarkeAugust 24th 2007.

Follow the link to see an example of mole grips.www.fine-tools.co.uk/…/merchant.mvc…

wayneAugust 24th 2007.

The bottom end of Oldham Street is an anthropological experiment. Once I saw Jabba the Hutt coming out of the Merchants with Ann Widdicombe.

blueeeeMooooooonAugust 24th 2007.

Why didn’t City v Yernited sell out? Well that’s easy, playing against a team in the bottom six it isn’t a big game for City, especially when the win is all but guaranteed.

Thaddeus ThrippsAugust 24th 2007.

Re: The Back Piccadilly Pissers Anonymous... A metal mesh mat in each doorway, wired to a car battery, might do the trick? Make it two car batteries, for the possible bonus of frying the pisser's nuts, thus ensuring they don't produce anymore scrofulous offspring. Also, if said nuts are shoved down their 'throuts', they will be nicely cooked.

RichardAugust 24th 2007.

What's a throut?

shaAugust 24th 2007.

I once saw Grendal and his mum drinking in the Kings

KathyAugust 24th 2007.

"If the building hums"..............it sure does, but not sure I am thinking of the tune type humming....

wayneAugust 24th 2007.

A throut is where your store people's nuts

John S LockeAugust 24th 2007.

Beetham tower hums alright!..It stinks! The ugliest bloody eyesore from every angle...tear the bugger down I say!

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