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Sleuth 24/04/2009

The very future of Bolton threatened, toilet taxis and the best bars and clubs in Manchester

Published on April 24th 2009.

Sleuth 24/04/2009

Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week. We give £25 for every story/rumour and piece of absurdity you find for us to print. We ask for the money back if any legal action follows.

Burial for Bolton
Sleuth was in Sam’s Chop House in the city last night looking after a group of people. He could hardly move for Bury folk who’d booked out half the place for a function. These latter people were celebrating the new and as yet incomplete redevelopment of the retail centre of the town. They had big display boards proclaiming a breakthrough moment for Bury. The boards read: ‘Bury will rank higher than Bolton in the CACI retail footprint rankings’. Most notices like this read something like ‘London, Paris, New York’ and then follow with the name of the location that’s trying to big itself up. Bury has set more modest targets. And what does CACI sound like when read as a word?

Emergency taxis
So Sleuth was waiting at home for a mini-cab. The driver arrived, knocked on the door and asked if he could use the toilet. Sleuth looked at him. “Weren’t you the driver who picked me up last week and asked to use our toilet?” The driver looked humbled, “Yes, but please...” Sleuth said, “Twice in two weeks, have you got a problem?” “I think I must have,” said the driver. Sleuth relented and let him use the facilities. But here’s the question folks if it happens again it’ll be so freaky that Sleuth doesn’t know what to do. It’s a bit yucky. He might change his mini-cab company. Any reader advice would be welcome.

South African long distance gig record
Sleuth was in London this week. On the train back home a South African of middle years sat next to him and chatted away. “So why the Manchester visit?” asked Sleuth. “I just had to, something important, I couldn't avoid” said the South African gravely. Oops, thought Sleuth had he been indiscreet, had there been a death in the man’s family up here? “I just had to get the plane in Cape Town,” said the chap, “fly to London, and take the train to Manchester. It was the only place I could get tickets for the comeback tour of AC/DC.” Ah yes, serious stuff indeed thought Sleuth.

Sleuth’s rant of the week
Sleuth loved this rant exchange on the site over Nicola Mostyn’s as usual superb TV review, this time of Britain’s got Talent. This was about the vocally but not physically blessed Susan Boyle. One of our readers, Sylviebenn, wrote: “I think you are all insensitive people why should her looks matter? Are you all so pretty?” To which came this reply from Rosie: “I am.”

Carrick is a blankety-blank
Sleuth was reading The Guardian interview with Michael Carrick, the United midfielder, last week. He’s had a good season but the fans haven’t got a song or chant for him. “It doesn’t bother me,” Carrick said. “I’ve spent a few hours trying to think up something myself. I suppose there isn’t much that rhymes with Carrick.” Well Michael, thinks Sleuth - who spent as much as a ten seconds thinking something up - there’s ‘prick’, ‘dick’, ‘thick’, ‘sick’. Sleuth thinks Carrick was ill-advised going along with this line of discussion.

Sleuth and the Gentlemen’s Clubs
Sleuth went to Cloud 23 at the Hilton Hotel on Thursday. He was having a high powered meeting with a vice-president, finding out what’s what. He and his guest were taking advantage of the fact that at last Cloud 23 is open in the afternoons rather than merely the evenings. As he was waiting for his guest he saw the visitor information screen in the foyer. He tapped the Bars section expecting maybe Odd Bar, Walrus, Panacea or even Loaf. The screen that came up recommended places such as Obsessions Gentleman’s Club, The Fantasy Bar and Totties Gents Club in Altrincham (which seems a little far to go for a view of a naked lady close up). Good job he was meeting a vice-president. Of genuine bars Barca was a surprise inclusion. A surprise, because it’s been closed these past twelve months.

Sleuth’s weirdest email to the office
Sleuth is disturbed by the lengths to which some readers will go when applying for competitions in our loveable online magazine for Manchester. A lady with a Salford Uni address is keen to win the Elle McFerguson lingerie competition (click here). She wrote in with ‘Hey, if I win, I’ll pose in the underwear for your site xx.’ Very keen. Good girl. Sadly of course all our competitions are impartially judged without grace or favour or recourse to beguiling photos.

Serious Sleuth
Sleuth was looking at the advance publicity for the BBC’s up-coming drama about the mother of United superstar George Best this Sunday – ‘His Mother’s Son.’ Apparently she had similar problems as Best. At the end of the web preview this leapt out: ‘The film is aired with the support of Headroom, the BBC's mental health initiative, www.bbc.co.uk/headroom, which provides information and advice for anyone worried about their drinking.’ Sleuth reckons this is another example of pretend caring, where instead of effective help, money is being wasted on wasters doing the publicity. Perhaps next time the Beeb airs Hamlet, the troubled Prince of Denmark will slip in a web address or two: ‘To be or not to be: that is the question (check out www.bbc.co.uk/headroom if you’re feeling depressed during this play): whether ‘ tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune (if you think you’ve been wrongly injured by a a sling or an arrow log on to www.bbc.co.uk/ancientweaponwounds), or to take arms against a...’

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10 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

terry tibbsApril 24th 2009.

**** off emma ungraceful

DigApril 24th 2009.

Regarding the reader who offered to pose in the lingerie if she won. Sleuth says 'our competitions are impartially judged without grace. That would be without Emma Grace then? I can't believe you offered to pose for ManCon cameras Emma!!!!!

Carrick SongApril 24th 2009.

We've got.(clap clap).Michael Carrick...we've got.(clap clap).Michael Carrick..his passes are sublime...all of the time. Heard this round OT a few times but not sure what song its copied of, still not up there in the best chants at the moment although alot better than what Berbatov will get on Saturday.

AnonymousApril 24th 2009.

Is Serious Sleuth worried about something?

emma graceApril 24th 2009.

Sleuth, why don't you set up a portaloo in the front garden and charge all cabbies in need for the convenience?

a.dentApril 24th 2009.

typical of Bury to try and get one over on there Premier League neighbours.Yes think it is a load of sh*t....

JimmyApril 24th 2009.

Thick, prick, dick, sick. So that's Carrick, Berbatov, Ferdinand and Rooney all wrapped up. Splendid work sleuth, hats off.

emma ungracefulApril 24th 2009.

What a charming and clever play on words there Terry...oh how I do wish I had but a fraction of your literary talents!!

pablosanchezApril 24th 2009.

Wheres the Castlefield article?

Ali McGowanApril 24th 2009.

Exactly, Emma! Charge the bugger - £1.20 for a p*ss, plus 20p for every 10 seconds he is in there. And, then add on a random 40p at the end. Or, to emulate a mini-cab, just charge whatever the hell you want and hope he says yes!

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