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Sleuth 23/11/2007

The tallest £1 shop in the world to be built in Trafford Park: world amazed

Published on November 23rd 2007.

Sleuth 23/11/2007

Tallest £1 shop in the world
Sleuth can exclusively reveal that planning permission has been sought with Trafford Council for the tallest £1 shop in the world at 200 metres or 648ft. This would be sited in Trafford Park, in the spare ground between ASDA and the new Barton Square development. The latter features a bell-tower without bells which looks like a bit like an ancient lighthouse, topped by a classical temple capped with a large garden ornament. The tallest £1 shop design features part of a pyramid, a castle, a big column, a nice house and the Eye of Sauron from The Lord of the Rings. Building begins tomorrow evening after the pubs close.

Sleuth, who’s a share-holder with some dodgy investors from Dubai, said, “in other areas of the UK this might be deemed excessive, but here it should fit in perfectly. The pyramid reflects the ambition of the development, the castle is symbolic of security, the column is to show how people can rise in the world and the little house reminds people of the lives they lead. The Sauron eye on top is very novel and will be a beacon for bargain hunters across the North West. We’ve also renamed him. This is no longer Sauron the deceiver, but Sauron the discounter. Is that enough? I can’t believe we’ve got away with this bollocks, those planners must be blind - you didn’t record that did you?”

Trafford Council said, “we love the design. Our planning department knows a thing or two about good taste. Of course we would have liked the house element to have been stone-clad but that’s a minor issue.”

The lyricism of lard
Sleuth was pleased by the level of debate following the obesity in Manchester story we published last week. He particularly liked the poems which really upped the debate. This verse in celebration of largeness particularly appealed with its pithy Housman-like qualities.

'Snickers bars and Almond Joys
Potato chips and Chips Ahoys
Caramel popcorn and natural fructose
On comes the pounds and the cellulose.

I'm fat, I'm fat,
So what - who cares?
So what if my buttocks
don't fit on chairs.'

Empty Deutschland
Apparently there are so many Germans in Christmas markets across the UK that there's no-one left in their own country. Sleuth asked his old friend, Caspar David Friedrich, to describe Germany at present. Caspar sent him this pic – as you can see there's only one person left in the whole country and he's lonely.

Def to complaint
Sleuth dropped into the highly acclaimed Warehouse Project, under Piccadilly Station, to see hip hop prodigy Mos Def. He waited. And waited. And waited. Until well after 2am to see the main man (accompanied by poor sound). The Warehouse Project people are clearly making a good profit and yet something seems missing. Of course people don’t expect and don’t want five star hotel treatment but the Warehouse Project might want to remember common courtesy, basic customer service and next time, please, please, please, a good sound system.

Chairless whispers
The Warehouse Project, see above, got it particularly wrong with one paying member of the public. Sleuth spotted a girl who was beginning to look disheartened. In fact she had prosthetic legs below the knee and needed to sit down. She told a bouncer this and asked for a chair, who then asked an organiser, who replied along the lines of “computer says noooo”. Shame then she could clearly see though the gap to the VIP area three empty chairs. But they weren’t available for mere mortals. The girl, who’d spent £15 on a ticket, wasn’t up for going home, so had no choice but to head to the portaloos to take a pew.

Where is James Purnell?
Following James Purnell’s faked photographs at Tameside Hospital, we ask the Culture Secretary and MP for Stalybridge and Hyde, where he’s not been this week.

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AnonymousNovember 23rd 2007.

Somehow I doubt a poetic Mancunian wrote a verse celebrating the joys of exclusively American snack.

JamesNovember 23rd 2007.

My son saw that proposed £1 shop and got all excited. Cool dad, he said, when is it finished? I think Sleuth needs to be more considerate of youthful enthusiasm.

PoolNovember 23rd 2007.

It would take someone with particularly special qualities to put on extra cellulose- the woody fibres that make up plant cells- rather than cellulite.

AnonymousNovember 23rd 2007.

Any chance of a review of the Novotel from Gordo?

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