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Sleuth: 23/05/2008

Ronaldo has the last dance...with himself. Plus Brazilian cuts, dreadlocks shaved, edible clothing and snoozing publishers

Published on May 22nd 2008.

Sleuth: 23/05/2008

Sleuth has learnt United had their post-Premiership party at the Circle Club. The boys were all having a grand time enjoying the fun and mucking about. But where was the Portuguese love machine that is Cristiano Ronaldo? Ah there he was. Sleuth learns that the beautiful ball juggling, penalty misser was in the gents on his own in front of the full length mirror. Dancing. Slicking back his hair. In shades. Apparently he's going to sign a contract with himself to keep handsome for ten years at least. Then he might move to Real Madrid for an undisclosed number of mirrors.

A cut below the rest
Meanwhile after the Premier League and Champions League Double, Sleuth's heard that Sir Alex Ferguson is looking for some more South American talent. So seeing this poster (pictured below) in a shop on Oxford Road advertising Brazilians for £20 he popped inside. Apparently any players they can supply will have very short haircuts though.

Magnifying trouble
Sleuth had a visit from the police during the week. They're looking to crack down on the hooligans from Rangers and thought the pics on Confidential of last Wednesday's invasion, might come in handy. So how many rioting loonies do the Police think there were on that crazy UEFA Cup night: 5000, 1000, 500, 200 – as was variously reported in the national media? No, according to Her Majesty's finest there were thirty to forty rioting fans: that's less than 0.01% of those who gathered in Manchester. Panic on the streets. Hardly.

Ancient remedies
Speaking of panic, over-reaction and the like, Sleuth has discovered some lovely old remedies which he's going to recommend to the City Council and the Police in the event of future mass migrations from Glasgow. These will help the local powers that be get over 'fear' and 'dread'.

Big Brother culture
Sleuth read with concern about the way all the motorists in the city centre are being filmed by Police cameras – apparently 600,000 a day. Another right to privacy bites the dust. But Sleuth thinks they might really have overstepped the mark with this new apparatus on the city streets. Click here for image.

Edible clothing
Sleuth's chum, Matthew Frost, the epicure of Manchester University Press, was in the Czech Republic last week for the international cad and bounder moustache competition. Deciding to get some new togs he sought out an appropriate retailer. Finding a window display he admired he stopped for a moment. Then he noticed the name of the emporium. Brilliant. About time food and clothing came together.

Sleeping partner
Meanwhile after a long night out on the town celebrating on Wednesday with the Reds...and the whites (wines geddit?), the publisher of Manchester Confidential invited Sleuth in for a meeting. The conversation was a bit one-sided, with the captain of the Confidential ship strangely reluctant to join in the discussion – click here Sleuth thinks siestas, power-naps, crapulent catch-ups – call them what you will - are a great way of re-charging the batteries. This may become company policy.

Mallon meets his Delilah, crowd loves it
Following Sleuth's article a couple of weeks ago, last Friday saw a panicked David Mallon, boss of Ringspun Clothing, unceremoniously pinned down in the corner of the Circle Club for his charitable snip. One onlooker commented: "I've seen rabbits in front of steam rollers that look more relaxed than that, it was terrible, dreads were flying all over the place. I think everyone got a piece of Mallon that night". Mallon was said to be happy with his new look, having raised a fair (or maybe fur) chunk of wedge for charity, although he was strangely uncontactable the next day. One can only assume he was discussing hats with Damon Gough. Meanwhile, Scott Harper, Area Manager of the Malmaison, was clearly overjoyed to complete his gay Mexican bandit costume...although that use of a dread should maybe declared illegal.

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8 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

DrakeMay 22nd 2008.

And you know it wasn't just about the fans who rioted...However, another interesting question to pursue given the negative impact on the image of the city is who authorised the release of the cctv pictures to the national media? Aren't these private and copyrighted?

Mark Garner, The PublisherMay 22nd 2008.

...for a sleepover

Jonathan Schofield - editorMay 22nd 2008.

Dear Gym Bowman wi ad a seven whore meeting abit those typos in the Sinabar email. The result you will be pleased to note, is that we have a sub-editor starting in the second week of June to help us sort it.

CatherineMay 22nd 2008.

Yep, Mallon looked pertrified on Friday night and the crowd baying around him looked like they were enjoying his discomfort a little more than is necessarily kind : ) There was hair flying about all over the shop. I even found some in my handbag when I was clearing it out on Saturday morning, which was slightly gross and not what my hangover needed. Well done for the whole charidee thing though : )

AnonymousMay 22nd 2008.

0.01%? I'd check your abacus.

jimbowensspeedboatMay 22nd 2008.

Is the fact that the editor admits to snoozing on the job in any way related to the invite I received in my inbox for Cinnabar which was littered with spelling mistakes and was entitled "You're invitation to an exclusive new bar"?

Mark Garner, The PublisherMay 22nd 2008.

Schofield, see me in my office.

Mark Garner, The PublisherMay 22nd 2008.

I feel a sacking coming on

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