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Sleuth 24/02/2012

The Smiths, Terrible Job Ad, Morrisons Best Shopping Deal Ever, The Idiotic Sun Newspaper And What's In A Name

Published on February 23rd 2012.


Sleuth 24/02/2012

Sleuth
Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week, it's the truth, but Sleuth's truth. We give £25 for every story/rumour and piece of absurdity you find for us to publish. Sleuth sometimes even gets serious. We ask for the money back if any legal action follows.
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Sleuth’s Most Remarkable Food Deal Of The Week

This from Morrisons in Manchester. The price is £1 per unit for a bag of salad and the deal is buy two for £2. Sleuth's contact sent him the picture. She was so overwhelmed she almost bought the whole stock. You don’t get many bargains that special. 

Morrisons

Sleuth’s Humorous Foreign Names Of The Week

Sleuth had a quite wonderful brill fish to share on a platter in Jamie Oliver’s new place on King Street. The Hungarian waiter, a lovely fella with an Italian accent, (because he’d learnt English “working in an Italian restaurant in London”) boned it beautifully. Later Sleuth found out something else brill. The waiter was called Roland. Roland’s surname is "spelt Racz but pronounced like Rats”. Marvellous stuff. Maybe he should prepare the ratatouille. Or get a daytime TV slot.

Massive brill fish without ratatouilleMassive brill fish without ratatouille

Sleuth’s True Smiths Story Of The Week

Sleuth read this in MEN Diary the other week. ‘It's a far cry from Downton Abbey... but actress Jessica Brown-Findlay has bagged a role in a new movie inspired by the music of The Smiths. Jessica, who plays Downton's Lady Sybil Crawley, is in the frame to star in the film Shoplifters of the World Unite, which will be soundtracked by songs from the Manc indie icons. The film is based on the true story of an American Smiths' fan, who, devastated by the band's 1987 break-up, forced a DJ to play nothing but Smiths songs for hours.’

Morrissey FlowersMorrissey FlowersIn 1997 Sleuth took a fey American girl of pale beauty, called Fay, around Manchester on a tour. She carried a bunch of gladioli which she waved round her head at every Smiths related site while singing Smiths’ songs. The flowers reflected a similar habit of Smiths’ frontman Morrissey.

At the last stop on the tour, The Ritz on Whitworth Street West, Fay lay down on the pavement and wept. Very loudly. “Are you all right?” asked a nervous Sleuth. He turned around, to find three brutish lads staring at him, “What’ve you done to her, you bastard?” they said.

Honestly you could make a movie about it. Sleuth was devastated, but kept himself cheerful by singing along with Fay, "I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour but Heaven knows I'm miserable now." 

Sleuth's Inane Tweet Of The Week

This is awarded to a man called Matt - you know who you are - who tweeted: 'Morning'. Brilliant Matt, the world is a better place.

Sleuth’s The Sun Wants To Rubbish Oldham Story Of The Week

Sleuth was rung by some nervous hack from The Sun about doing a tour of Oldham. “Why?” said Sleuth “Well somebody in Croydon is running tours which costs £8 and includes views from a multi-storey car park. We thought that Oldham is probably as awful as Croydon,” said the hack. “So you want to laugh at the town?” said Sleuth. “Er....yes,” said The Sun reporter.

 “I think you’re mistaken my man,” said Sleuth, “Oldham has been called the Florence of the North, the palazzos of its cotton barons are only equalled in beauty by the mighty Forest of Werneth while the view from Oldham Edge has been described as better than across the Bay of Naples as the sun sets.” “Really...er...oh,” said a bamboozled Sun reporter.

Oldham Edge On A Summer's Day With Naturists And Local WildlifeOldham Edge On A Summer's Day With Naturists And Local Wildlife

Sleuth’s Living Lowry Picture

This was taken in the shocking circumstances of a busy Lowry Outlet Centre at Salford Quays this weekend. Apparently the CBeebies were visiting the area. Sleuth thinks it’s disgraceful, it was so full Sleuth couldn’t use it in peace and quiet like every other weekend. Still the scene outside looked strangely familiar

Original Lowry, called 'Going to the CBeebies', value £6mOriginal Lowry, called 'Going to the CBeebies', value £6m

 

People At The Lowry Outlet Mall Last SundayPeople At The Lowry Outlet Mall Last Sunday Value £0m

Sleuth’s Worst Advertisement Of The Week

This advertisment is from Reed employment agency. It's for a journalist - oh the irony.

‘We are searching for a Talented Journalist for a fabulously exciting & highly rewarding Opportunity; for a Large impressively successful Organisation. Salary is Neg depending on experience & expertise. Based in Manchester. 

‘The Ideal Journalist Must: Have a Journalism degree graduate or NCTJ certified; We are looking for someone with lots of ideas, energy and enthusiasm to fit into our hard-working features team; A reporter with a keen instinct for a good, off-diary story and the tenacity to follow it through; The candidate must be literate, intelligent and able to write across features and news. Ability to make contacts, work to deadlines and remain calm under pressure; Experience in a news room preferred; In-Design and sub-editing skills is desirable.

‘Upon your success of applying for this Journalist Role; You will be based in Newly Refurbished High Spec, cutting edge offices. Both the Energy & Vibe is Electric & Infectious! You will be working with like minded creative’s as part of the Features Team. 

‘This is an organisation; whereby your Talent & Ambition will be nurtured to Grow, equally appreciated & highly rewarded! To Apply for this Role Please Contact Adam Liddle or Sophia Passonnii in order to Push You Positively Forward & Arrange Your Interview. 

‘Immediate Interviews for the most Talented Journalist’s. Seed...We Grow! A Dream Without Courage Goes Nowhere...’

Sleuth doesn’t really know where to begin with this. Is it to comment on the random capitalisation, is it the need for a journalist to be ‘literate’, is it ‘Both the Energy & Vibe is Electric & Infectious!’?

No it has to be ‘Seed...We Grow!’

Sleuth’s decided to nip out and shout that as loudly as possible in the Arndale Centre. Maybe all the shoppers will holler back ‘A Dream Without Courage Goes Nowhere...’

Sleuth’s Lies To Tell Tourists

The Joy Division and New Order tapes have recently been found in an old vault at Jamie Oliver’s new restaurant in the former Midland Bank on King Street. Along with Kylie’s Hotpants.



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10 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

Isabella JacksonFebruary 23rd 2012.

Yep, bad advert with poor grammar and syntax. However, to be fair, the writer is likely a junior employee or even an intern (hate that dammed Yankee word). No excuse, but a little hypocritical coming from a writer on a web site whose content is often littered with spelling mistakes, poor punctuation and grammatical gaffes

1 Response: Reply To This...
Charlie ButterworthFebruary 25th 2012.

This woman, if you look back at her rants, never has a positive thing to say about anything. The web is definitely a resource for the sad to air their grievances.

SlibrryhFebruary 23rd 2012.

Isabella hypocrisy, sometimes I agree with it sometimes I don't. Still at least you get your say on here. I love two for the price of two offers as well. Possibly Groupon's next step.

Blue PeterFebruary 23rd 2012.

Oops Izzy. If you must be sniffy, at least learn how to spell the word 'damned' correctly.

Chris Keller-JacksonFebruary 24th 2012.

I thought the advert was a shoe horned plug for a new Man Con journo post ! At least the 'seed' would get plenty of water.

1 Response: Reply To This...
SleuthFebruary 24th 2012.

Yes Chris - 'Both the Energy & Vibe is Electric & Infectious!' in Confidential

Janie1509February 24th 2012.

Re: the advert - I've just scored a line on my bullshit bingo card!!

shabob1February 25th 2012.

Ha ha ha ha Its so funny, the article the advert and the bickering afterwards. The problem is these arses seem to get on in the world. I once went to an interview for a property company that lasted 7 hours and it ended with a 'group session' where you had to decide whether the cows needed milking, a delivery needed doing or windmills needed building. It was totally bizarre!!

Simon SmithFebruary 26th 2012.

'Lowry Outlet Centre'?

Would that be a shopping centre?

Yes it would.

So it should be called a shopping centre, not something which reminds us of a sewer.

1 Response: Reply To This...
AnonymousMarch 2nd 2012.

Simon, it called an outlet centre because all of the shops inside are....outlet centres, with the exception of the food court. In order for people to know they can grab a bargain on shit that couldn't sell in the regular shopping centres, they have to call it that.

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