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Sleuth 22/05/2009

Ronaldo in leg-over shock, Usain Bolt loves himself in Manchester, Philip Glass reveals his formula for relationships

Published on May 21st 2009.


Sleuth 22/05/2009

Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week. We give £25 for every story/rumour and piece of absurdity you find for us to print. We ask for the money back if any legal action follows.

Gordo and Manchester Town Hall
Sleuth was drinking in the Lowry with Gordo. The Lowry’s lovely Helen Hipkiss - the only woman with a Karma Sutra surname - had arranged Lagonda Ale for Sleuth and Martin Miller’s Gin for Gordo. Gordo was getting triple measures every time. After the third glass, Gordo was looking heavily pixelated, moreso than usual. “Are you drunk?” asked Sleuth. Gordo swayed a little and wittily threw back, “That’s the town hall calling the pot black.” Sleuth and Helen looked at each other: “yep he’s pissed,” they said together.

Ronaldo does it on the pitch
Sleuth loves Jimmy Armfield in his co-presenting role on Radio Five Live. He was especially good value in the United v Arsenal match on Saturday whilst admiring Ronaldo: “He does some lovely leg-overs,” the pundit purred. “I think you mean, step-overs, Jimmy,” said the nervous match commentator. Sleuth thinks it'd take a certain type of person to want 76,000 people witnessing their leg-overs.

Sign of the old times
Thanks to Jamie, Wendy, Luke and others who sent this picture in from the Northern Quarter. Jamie wondered if we could think of any other rock and road themes for Manchester. Sleuth replied with: ‘No, but that's where my moped broke down the other day. Then again the engine was very small, it was only 10cc.’ To which Jamie wrote: ‘That's terrible, hope it didn't break down because you had a twisted wheel.’ To which Sleuth replied: ‘Next time I’m going to buy a courteener.’ To which Jamie sensibly never responded.

Fifth Joy Division member revealed
Meanwhile the picture reminded Sleuth of a story from the old days of City Life, the print listings magazine for Manchester which was owned by the MEN. He was talking to a writer from the magazine who told him what happened. ‘When the MEN used to do our billboards in the early nineties, we’d send them that issue's main feature and they'd do the rest. One issue, we had an interview with Deborah Curtis, wife of Ian Curtis, when her book came out. So the copy for the board ran: ‘Exclusive - Joy Division's Ian Curtis’. But the boards went out as: ‘Joy Davidson's Ian Curtis’. We never did find out who Joy Davidson was...’

Rangers’ Day crosses the Border
So Sleuth was minding his business on Monday when the man from the Daily Express Scotland rang up. It was a journalist called Mills. He said, “That story you ran in the Vote section calling for a Rangers’ Day (click here). Was it genuine?” Sleuth affirmed that it was: that days like that rarely happen and it would be great to have a day of exceptional exception every year, with perhaps less urine involved. Mills got excited, “so this is an official initiative from Manchester City Council?” he said. Sleuth thought for a little while. “No, sadly not, it’s an official bit of nostalgia from Manchester Confidential.” Sleuth now regrets this: he should have said, yes, and that the whole city was behind the event and an announcement was soon to be made encouraging people to wear kilts every 14 May in memory of the occasion whilst drinking themselves stupid in the streets. It would have been fun to see how far it went.

MPs working for the people
Sleuth was having a chat this week about the situation with regard to cheating MPs. With David Chaytor, Bury North MP, possibly facing police investigation Sleuth wonders if he might have to do community service. Maybe in one of those natty new orange boiler suits. If so Sleuth can’t think of a better way for an MP to meet his constituents.

The truth about the Didsbury hole
It came back again this week. That big hole/crater thingy appeared in Barlow Moor Road, Didsbury once more as subsidence took hold. Sleuth was intrigued. So he typed Didsbury in Google Images to see what it looked like and got this – the real truth. click here

Usain Bolt keeps it up until late
Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt was out last Sunday in the Circle Club - here he's pictured with Shireen from the club. He partied until daylight on the Monday. This showed stamina given the speed he’d travelled down Deansgate the previous evening (14.35 secs over 150m). He was also in the mood to entertain. At one point he did a little rap about himself. Over a song about himself. No confidence issues there, thinks Sleuth, no crippling self-doubt. Eventually Bolt – who apparently was a real charmer - had to be asked to leave by the exhausted staff.

Glass – reveals his secrets with women
Sleuth went to watch Philip Glass last Saturday. The 72 year-old USA classical composer and musician was in fine fettle. After a fabulous performance at the RNCM as part of the Futuresonic festival, he was taken to Greens restaurant in West Didsbury – which by coincidence Confidential reviewed this week (click here). Glass was on form chatting and telling stories of his long and eventful life. Apparently he’s been married four times. So he’s worked out a formula for how old his ladies should be. It’s half his age plus seven years. Glass clearly likes a rhythm with everything.

Sleuth’s best TV rant of the week
Following Lynda Moyo’s article asking for readers Dirty TV Secrets (click here), there was mention of The Jeremy Kyle Show as the ultimate filthy TV addiction. Sleuth admired our reader, Runner D’s comment: ‘I work for The Jeremy Kyle Show securing guests. I travel to different Farmfoods and Bargain Booze stores around the UK with my trusty tranquilizer gun and net.’ Sleuth thinks this is a genuine posting: he can't think of how else they get those guests.

Sleuth’s best reader debate of the week
This followed Ruth Allan’s review of Greens (click here) and was over the question of vegetarianism. Emma Grace said: ‘I have a friend who is a vegetarian but will eat meat as long as it's been raised a Catholic and has never had its mind polluted with pornography? Wonder what the word for that is?’ To which Ronny J replied: ‘Emma, I'm Catholic. Can I get her number? I swear I've never looked at porn... in the last 24 hours.’ Fruitarian, getting back on the subject, cleaned things up with this irrefutable argument: ‘What choice do vegetables have? Half the time they're not even cooked - they're just snacked on raw whilst they're still alive. At least cows don't feel your teeth bite them.’

The art of being tasteful
Sleuth knows good taste when he sees it. Now this car, which Sleuth saw on St Ann's Street, re-defines taste - one way or the other.

John Robb tweets up enigma
Sleuth got a quite marvellously mysterious tweet from John Robb, performer, broadcaster and occasional Confidential writer this week. It said: ‘Meant to be playing bearded theory festival tomorrow. But stage blown away in freak tornado.’ Righty-o John. Got you.

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21 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

AnonymousMay 21st 2009.

El Hadj Diouf once came into a restaurant I worked in and asked me to make sure there were no vegetables on his plate because he was allergic to them. He was ok with the chips though...

louMay 21st 2009.

Apologies for the over use of the word regularly. I just really don’t like MOTD.

The PopeMay 21st 2009.

Who the f*** are Man Utd?

Runner DigMay 21st 2009.

Was that comment about roadsigns and motoring and the Merc all in one fell swoop Emma? Mirrorball being one of my favourite Elbow songs. Also I'm happy to see my rants do get noticed. The D in Runner D meaning Dig! Do I win £25 for amusing Sleuth?

johnthebriefMay 21st 2009.

I hope you didn't let him into the kitchen, anonymous - all that spitting would play havoc with food hygiene

emma graceMay 21st 2009.

It looks like a flippin mirrorball...I want one!

GordoMay 21st 2009.

Bloody hell Avo, is there anything you don't know?

tinfoil tommyMay 21st 2009.

I am planning a shopping trip later,in preperation I have been to Tesco and purchased 4 rolls of bacofoil and some cellotape. I have covered the bonnet ,boot and all four doors of my swish toyota and it is now ready for any photo opportunities which may arise. I have also shaved my head and taken to abusing anybody in my way in an attempt to copy my hero . This man is a shining example of all that is right with premier league football, I applauded his every move in the recent game at eastlands, especially the one he took back to the dressing room after being subbed. Give me honest down to earth types likehim, Robinho,Ronaldo or fine English players Like Ashley Cole or Kieran Dyer!!

LouMay 21st 2009.

I don't know why he goes to such lengths not to be noticed. I wouldn't know who he was if he hit me in the face, despite regularly being forced to watch match of the day regularly.I would look at his car with disbelief though.

lucky chrisMay 21st 2009.

Ahhh... mirror-finished cars. You can get away with it on a Bugatti Veyron, but not much else. Wouldn't say no to that though.

LouMay 21st 2009.

"This showed stamina given the speed he’d travelled down Deansgate the previousevening (14.35 secs over 150m). " Didn't Bolt run ont he sunday? SHows equal stamina, but no wonder he told the interviewer that he wasn't at his fittest! EDITORIAL COMMENT: Sleuth's been daft. He meant Sunday not Saturday. Thanks for letting us know, it's now changed.

Peter DoeMay 21st 2009.

You're only as young as the girl you feel.

DigMay 21st 2009.

El Hadji Diouf used to come to a showroom I worked at for servicing etc. He wouldn't leave his his car. He would phone from the carpark for a rep to go out to him. Then jump out of his car straight into a friends car. If he doesn't want to be bothered or seen then I would suggest a £420,000 chromed McLaren Mercedes SLR isn't the way to go about it.

cleoMay 21st 2009.

very true

lfc till i dieMay 21st 2009.

thats the car that nearly ran me over!!! If I knew it was him I would of happily thrown my weeks supply of eggs at him (even if there were organic!)

Katie PriceMay 21st 2009.

So am I Bob, what age are you so I can work out if it's worth hooking up.

AvoMay 21st 2009.

The finer nuances of the female species.

AvoMay 21st 2009.

The chromed SLR belongs to El Hadj Diouf of Blackburn. Typical footballers car if ever I saw one. Wouldn't say no though.

AvoMay 21st 2009.

Get to bed before you get even more tired and cranky.

JamieMay 21st 2009.

Sleuth, thanks for recognising that I sensibly failed to respond, i'm still thinking of an reply now. Could ManCon organise a race down Deansgate between Usain Bolt and El Haji Douf in his terrible Merc

Bob AchelorMay 21st 2009.

That Philip Glass story is interesting. I like to marry people two thirds my age minus six plus nine. I'm single.

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