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Sleuth 22/02/2008

The Daily Sport explodes (and melts), the Market Restaurant changes hands and the worst waitress in the world

Published on February 22nd 2008.


Sleuth 22/02/2008

This sporting death
Sleuth went to the press launch of the amazing, unmissable, astonishing Body Worlds 4 at MOSI on Thursday. This is the Gunther von Hagens exhibition where donated bodies have been cut up and their workings revealed through plastination – click here. Half way through the launch came this priceless pair of questions: “Hello I’m Claire from the Daily Sport. How did plastination happen, Dr von Hagens?” The good German doc replied in a careful and considered manner. Then came the question the Daily Sport really wanted answering. In a rising and excited voice their woman breathlessly asked: “When you were working on them did any of the bodies explode or melt?”

Sleuth drifts off
The question in the above story caused Sleuth to drift off. He imagined Dr von Hagen working on a body and then: “Oh nein, vere has ze body gone.” He looks under his operating desk. “Ah so, it has melted, is gute I put ze bucket zere.” For the record von Hagens ignored the above ludicrous question.

On the market
Sleuth was enraged, maddened, perplexed that one of his favourite restaurants had been taken over, disposed of, lost to Mancunia. He roared into the Market Restaurant on High Street, fists up, ready for a scrap. A mild mannered, polite gentleman met him. “What’s going on?” shouted Sleuth. “Hello, I’m Gary Newborough,” said the man. Then he explained. Turns out that he’s bought the business because he loves it and doesn’t want anything to change, indeed he’s keeping on Peter, Anne, Paul and the rest of the team. He might do up the first floor function room though. That's all right then.

Press release
Sleuth learns that the university publishers, led by Manchester University Press, have created an informal group which meets at conferences. The elitist Oxford and Cambridge University Presses aren’t allowed to join. And the name of this new group? The Federation of UK University Presses, or FUK UPS. Very funny. But also bitter irony: that’s exactly what the Oxbridge Presses seem to think of their erstwhile brethren.

Manchester Arn'tart Centre
Here’s a ridiculous promo artwork thingy in the Manchester Arndale. It shows a man who saved the country from the terrors of Nazi rule and two overpaid geezers who drew with Macedonia at home and didn't qualify for Europe. What a wonderfully appropriate comparison. As the Sleuth mole who spotted it said, after noting the open book, the globe and so on, “very mysterious, it’s just like the Da Vinci Code.” And just as meaningless and badly executed thinks Sleuth.

Costa del Marble Cladding
Sleuth was interested to hear this week that Peel Holdings is to open a Trafford Centre clone in Spain. The location is Torremolinos: that byword for tasteful, restrained development. Er…right. It’s a marriage made in heaven. Whether it will be next to a stinking sewage works is yet to be revealed.

Action Confidential
Sleuth approves of people using Confidential as pressure group. This rant on the late trains story – click here - needs flagging up. Caroline Marsden wrote: ‘To everyone with nightmare train journey stories: I work for a production company in London and we're interested in putting together a documentary on train services. I need people to tell me their horror stories. Please email me at marsdencaroline@hotmail.com ’An opportunity for personal fame but shame for the train operators.

Most Surprising Headline of the Week
Check out the picture below. This was an MEN article produced ‘in association with St Helen’s Council’. The latter had clearly written it themselves. Whilst under the influence of those strange mushrooms that grow on Billinge Hill.

Best Bizarre Web Snippet of the Week
“The River Mersey is worshipped by British Hindus as their own Holy River Ganges,” says Dr Shiv Pande, secretary of the Indo British Association in the North.

Hero of the week on Manchester Confidential
The waitress in Café Cilantro – click here - for services to rudeness. This was one rant. Veggie says: ‘When I went to Cafe Cilantro, after nearly one whole hour of waiting on a weekday lunchtime, the incredibly rude waitress finally came to our table, and told my friend that her eggs had fallen onto the floor. BUT they had managed to save some of them, and then, proceeded to present her with a messy, sloppy plate of toast, with a few scraps of egg on it, that apparently hadn’t fallen onto the floor.....and then said, as a concession, she wouldn’t charge us full price for the eggs.’ Exceptional work, thinks Sleuth.

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12 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

KenFebruary 22nd 2008.

By the flaming name of Zeus , that waiteress in Cafe Crapehole or Clithole or Cilantro is dreadful . I took my partner , she was sooooo sullen and rude . We would never ever return . Last night in the Royal Oak , one of my friends told me she is the owner !!!!!!! This can not be true

HardlineFebruary 22nd 2008.

Absolutely right. The good people of Oldham had the sense to chase him out of town because he had sent so many of their sons to their needless deaths in the First World War!

jillFebruary 22nd 2008.

Why the downers on Cafe Cilantro? I think it's a great place with lovely food. I have been in a few times and was served with the utmost care and consideration...be careful about dissing independent businesses...

Stephen NewtonFebruary 22nd 2008.

I'd have thought the Sport would be more interested in being directed to the largest pair of plastinated breasts.

University StaffFebruary 22nd 2008.

If you think FUK UPS is bad you should see the graffiti on the advertising hoardings along Oxford Rd.

AnonymousFebruary 22nd 2008.

One should never drink with the press (low-down common type) as opposed to the Presses. They invariably misreport. There is no space in FUKUPS.

back-street-potterFebruary 22nd 2008.

...'dont suppose Gary wants to buy a pottery ( and a potter ) as well ????very handy for the market res....and does he realise what untold horrors will befall him if he changes a hair-of-its-head !!!!

SleuthFebruary 22nd 2008.

Strangely enough it's the St Helen's (borough of) beauty spot. Apparently the view is similar to that across the Bay of Naples fomr Pozzuoli. 'Vedi St Helens e poi muori' as they say.

secret squirrelFebruary 22nd 2008.

Why on earth does everyone think Winston Churchill was 'a great brit' he was just another politician at the end of the day who covered things up and had blood on his hands! And he probably slept with a few hookers too - just like Wayne and RioI would rather put George Formby, Bernard Manning or Norman Wisdom as a True Brit!

GordoFebruary 22nd 2008.

Where's Billinge Hill?

superdog500February 22nd 2008.

Well said Secret Squirrel. If only we'd had the leadership qualities of Norman Wisdom to see us through the dark days of a threatened Nazi occupation.

JinkiesFebruary 22nd 2008.

50p says jill is either the waitress, or her mate.

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