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Sleuth 20/04/07

Sex on a train, cheese in the kitchen and punch drunk at the Comedy Store

Published on April 20th 2007.

Sleuth 20/04/07

Media power
Sleuth’s pleased that Manchester Confidential’s article – ‘Cop out’ see below - has had an effect. This is about the Police not letting on about how many of their brethren are protecting us on a weekend night. As the picture shows new emergency powers have been drafted which allow the Police to greatly increase their numbers. On future weekend evenings there will be a ratio of one police officer per person in the city centre after 11pm. They’ll be opening doors for us, holding our drinks, it’ll be grand.

Stilted love
Sleuth is a cheese lover like every good bon viveur. But there are limits. Sally Conner from Timperley knows no limits – typical wild Timperley eh? She wanted something to commemorate her affection for Stilton cheese so she had her kitchen cabinets made to resemble the cheese. No, really. Sally told Sleuth over a cracker or two: “We wanted to own a kitchen that no one else could copy. We eat Stilton most days. One night over dinner the idea just came to me.” She went on to say, “I’m mad me, use liquefied Stilton as a scent and grow Gorgonzola rhubarb.” Well maybe she didn’t say the last sentence. Sleuth wasn’t sure about her idea of constructing a bath from Emmental.

Diminishing returns
Sleuth thinks that Manchester needs all the good writers it can get, it needs more of them not less. Liverpool has two newspapers, Manchester has effectively one. This city needs a quality well-written daily newspaper. So it is with regret that Sleuth learns the troubled Manchester Evening News is yet again asking for more voluntary redundancies leading to compulsory redundancies from editorial staff. If this continues the MEN might have to ditch the plural in its name. MEN might have to become MAN.

In the real world
Speaking of lunacy, Sleuth was yet again amazed by the brain power of the football authorities. UEFA have asked Manchester United fans to cut down on drinking before their brace of semi-finals against AC Milan. A spokesman said, “There has been a problem with drink and it would be nice if they didn’t do it.” He then asked for his pig so he could fly home to his castle in the air.

Give me money
Meanwhile the FA are plain thick. Sleuth went to the recent semi-final at Old Trafford between Blackburn and Chelsea and found that he had to sit with the pearly kings and queens rather than his fellow northerners unless he wanted to pay £55 for a ticket (he still had to pay £35). Fact: the stadium was two thirds empty and there were loads of free seats in the Blackburn end. Sleuth wasn’t surprised, it’s been a long time since the shameless profiteering of the FA shocked anybody.

Complete hit
The FA brings Sleuth to the comedians at the Comedy Store where it was just for kicks earlier in the week. Edgy comedian Jim Jeffries was proceeding nicely through his expletive dominated set when he was jumped by a punter. Mind the language if you’re of a sensitive nature but click play below for the unusual heckling tactic. Sleuth hears that the stage diver was offended by an Irish joke. Honestly - political correctness gone mad.

The Theatre of Money-making Schemes
Back at Old Trafford Sleuth was down at the Golden Tulip Hotel when he spotted some old buddies. Everybody reminisced about the time they would push the ball out wide to Sleuth on the wing, who despite carrying his camera, and wearing his mack and hat would do the rest. The old buddies as the pic shows included ‘68 European Cup winners Nobby Stiles, Brian Kidd, David Sadler, Paddy Crerand and Alex Stepney – Sleuth as usual was careful to avoid the publicity. It was only after a while that the legends asked Sleuth who the hell he was and that they were talking about George Best for a documentary about the players he played with. Sleuth sloped off to the bar to practice his dribbling skills.

Grease those pistons
It’s good to see Johnny Marr, nee the Smiths, reach number one in the American LP Charts recently with USA band Modest Mouse and the jolly album ‘We were dead before the ship even sank'. Reminded Sleuth of a few years ago when the German arm of Maxim magazine asked Sleuth to organise a fashion shoot based on a revival of eighties indie fashions and the Smiths. This included an interview with a totally charming Johnny Marr. Funniest moment though was when the photographer, who was on £4000 a day, decided we should do a shoot in Victoria Station. This was denied because it takes at least forty years and three documents the size of the Lord of the Rings signed in triplicate, plus substantial sums of money to film, photograph etc on Railtrack property. There was another reason for their caution. Sleuth discovered that a film crew had paid to film when the station was closed in the dead of night. Turned out this involved a young lady providing some nether region physical relief on actors dressed as station masters. This was for a porn film, with the working title, ‘She goes like a train’. Family rail card anyone.

Sleuth’s health regime is to ignore all health advice. He’s doing fine, been to the doctor’s once in five years and that’s when he stumbled into BUPA Whalley Range thinking it was a trendy new bar. But over a full English breakfast on Tuesday morning Sleuth was alarmed to read in the morning Metro that ‘bacon butties’, indeed all cured meats can cause ‘damage to the lungs, producing structural changes resembling emphysema.’ Sleuth stared at his lovely home-cured bacon and the fine black pudding. ‘Bugger that,’ he said out loud and jabbed his fork in the pudding so hard the juices flowed. He took a swig of his cognac and a drag on a Havana. It was 8am, time to tox.

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Phil TaylorApril 20th 2007.

Interesting that the police in Oldham, who used to saturate the town on a Friday and Saturday night have learned that a softly softly approach has worked best, and that 20 hobnail booted coppers charging down Yorkshire Street to sort a bloke having a tiff with his bird solved nothing, rather made it worse.

AnonymousApril 20th 2007.

Lovely. The image of the MEN stumbling down to the MAN is tremendous, and not so far fetched. Meanwhile Channel M's audience is now plural, thanks to a ludicrous £15M investment decision by a MAN with problems.Meanwhile did you hear what Lib Dem candidates are saying about residents in South Manchester? - Leech Loser Land as one of them called it in own goal stylee - one is now quoted on a fist full of blogs (so it must be right!) saying to a mysterious confederate (John Leech?) on the mobile:"None of the bastards will open the door to me"How very degrading and self ingratiating that is. Shades of Jody Dunn with her paen to the great unwashed, unclothed, be dogged of Hartlepool.

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