Sleuth 19/03/2010

Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week. We give £25 for every story/rumour and piece of absurdity you find for us to print. We ask for the money back if any legal action follows.

Some sod steals the remote
Sleuth couldn't believe it, he was sat watching CSI Salford when this little bugger came and stole the remote to watch the footy.....

Hot news - curry captives
So a trusty reader tells Sleuth that he went to a Curry Mile restaurant on Wilmslow Road on Friday night and was held prisoner for forty minutes. He and his friends complained about their meal, saying of the £61 bill they would pay £40 as a good-will gesture (£20 covering the drinks, £20 for, in their opinion, the poor food). Suddenly the three waiters were joined by 10 people who appeared from nowhere, surrounded them, blocked the door and refused to let them go. None of these would identify themselves or give contact details for the owner. Eventually the guests had to pay the bill, leaving pretty shaken up. Sleuth can understand that given the amount of pissheads who dine on the Curry Mile the place may have felt the need to have back-up, but for peaceable folk who really know their curries this was an added layer of customer service they could have done without. Sleuth will be doing a fuller story on this when he's had a response from the restaurant.

Sleuth says “Eh-Oh”
Sleuth was looking out of the window through the trees at Spinningfields wondering why he felt the urge to skip round the office with a handbag talking like a baby. Then he realised that the machine being used to clean the pavements reminded him of something.

Tropical Manchester
Sleuth does many odd things in his spare time: knits worms, counts paving stones, talks to people on trains. He also has developed a penchant for taking visiting Norwegian football fans around. Last weekend he was with a group in Manchester and Liverpool. There was a lady from the extreme north of Norway. "So do you like the city?" Sleuth asked her. "Yes," she said, "it's very big." "Compared with what?" Sleuth asked. "Murmansk in Russia. This is the first time I've ever been to a city apart from Murmansk and Tromso. I've only been south of the Artic Circle twice.” “Forgive me, how old are you?” asked Sleuth cheekily. “53,” came the reply. Manchester must have seemed positively tropical thinks Sleuth.

Burnley Police strategic coach policy
On Saturday Sleuth took his Norwegians to watch Burnley v Wolves. As he approached Burnley's Turf Moor ground he stopped the coach to ask a policeman where they should park. “The Wolves coaches should have been escorted into a parking area by our lot from the motorway,” he said. "These are Norwegians come to support Burnley for the day,” said Sleuth. The policeman scratched his head. “We've not had home supporters coming in coaches before, they just walk to the stadium, or a few drive. I don't know what to do, now, best call it in.” How very sweet thought Sleuth, feeling cleaner about grass roots football.

Corrie Cole – not a dry eye on the cobbles
Sleuth hears that the singing weeping Cheryl Cole loves Coronation Street so much she wants a walk on part. The Geordie lady, who holds the world record for simultaneously weeping and speaking (“I love you, Joe, Lloyd, Sam, I really do"), has said, “I would love to play a cameo on Corrie if I could just speak in my accent.” Sleuth has a plot idea. Cheryl can play the role of a young woman with a cheating footballer husband prone to sending naughty text messages and a lothario co-presenter on a hit ITV talent show. She could have lines such as, “I love you, Joe, Lloyd, Sam etc...”

A Hard Day's Knight
Third time lucky for Nike. If you've been passing Manchester Cathedral recently you may have seen the rig outside composed of vast spotlights, lengthy cables and extensive scaffolding. This is to illuminate the interior of the church as Wayne Rooney is filmed being knighted as St George for an England World Cup video promoting Nike. Seems that Wayne's been shy or found more important things to do and has failed to turn up on previous occasions. They've tried a look-a-like stand-in, but that wasn't working as they wanted a full face close-up. Sleuth hopes for Nike's sake that the star himself turns up for his elevation to Sir Wayne this week.

Road name revolution
Sleuth's been sent some new projections of the way Oxford Road may look after it has been made more public transport friendly and landscaped as part of the future plans for this important thoroughfare. Sleuth loves the names of famous scientists, thinkers and others associated with Manchester spelled out at the road crossings. Having the rich heritage of the city marked out on the streets is way overdue – and a suggestion that Sleuth has made on numerous occasions to the city. Sleuth is thus claiming all the credit.

Keep up would you
So Sleuth was on the train the other day. It was a FirstTranspennine train. There was the obligatory mag, this time for Spring 2010. The main Manchester feature had a picture of Urbis, alive and exhibiting. The Preston feature led with the National Football Museum. The two weren't linked in any way by the writers, despite Urbis set to become the National Football Museum next year. Sleuth really does wish that people would keep up.

Urbis requiem in pacem
Urbis and what it did is missed. Its programme of cracking popular culture breakthrough exhibitions was something unique to the city. Sleuth was outside the building the other day when a German visitor looking lost asked him: “What happened to this place, I always visit when in Manchester, it was so good.” Sleuth had to tell him it was about to be transformed into the National Football Museum. “But there is so much football everywhere,” said the visitor, “this was so different.” Sleuth had to confess that he supported the football idea, “It's up to the other galleries and museums to make the same type of exhibitions work now,” he said. Our German tourist looked doubtful.

Which supreme leader is the Manchester City Council boss this week?
Last week Sleuth turned Sir Richard Leese, the boss of Manchester City Council, into Marshal Tito, after we'd turned him into Joseph Stalin for the interview he did with us a few weeks back. Sleuth might as well continue the Supreme Leader theme. Guess who he is this week?

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