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Sleuth 19/08/2011

Maddest Riot Article, Football Models, Lovely Plump Birds, Sandwich Artists And Sleuth Revealed?

Published on August 19th 2011.

Sleuth 19/08/2011

Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week, it's the truth, but Sleuth's truth. We give £25 for every story/rumour and piece of absurdity you find for us to print. Sleuth sometimes even gets serious. We ask for the money back if any legal action follows.
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Sleuth’s Silliest Riot Story Of The Week

Sleuth thinks there’s a short film in this tragic tale. This from our 'City New in 250 Words' section. ‘Less than seven hours after being released from Strangeways prison, Thomas Downey (48) was arrested for looting a box of doughnuts from Krispy Kreme doughnuts on Piccadilly Gardens. Just released at 7pm on Tuesday 9 August, Downey attended an alcoholics anonymous meeting in Manchester. Soon after, he drank a bottle of sherry, stumbled into and looted the doughnut store previously attacked by rioters and was arrested by 1.30am’. If tragedy were a haiku or a sonnet, then this would be it. 

Objects of rioting desireObjects of rioting desire

Sleuth’s Unfortunate Wedding Picture Of The Week

This is a group of people gathered, carnations in button holes, party frocks on, before a wedding taking place in Manchester Town Hall. A romantic backdrop is provided by the ‘Shop-a-looter’ poster van behind. Let’s hope none of the guests were sporting a new camera 'borrowed' from the nearby Jessop’s a few nights before.

Wedding with lootersWedding with looters

Sleuth Is Revealed?

Lynda Moyo health and beauty person numero uno at Manchester Confidential attended a Zumbar class recently and asked if this was Sleuth without his disguising hat on - click here

Sleuth revealed?Sleuth revealed?

Sleuth Not Revealed

No, said Sleuth about the above story, that’s Chris Clarke. “Although,” said Sleuth looking again, “it could be a young Dale Winton. Have you a time machine?” 

Sleuth’s Maddest Job Title Of The Week 

Confidential received a speculative call this week from a person wanting a job in the media or creative industries and he wanted to know if we had anything. So did he have any experience? “Yes,” the lad said, “I was a Sandwich Artist at Subway”. 

Sleuth was speechless. He’s already concerned about coffee shop people being called baristas and cocktail waiters being called mixologists. But a sandwich artist? At Subway? “My 12 inch roll is by canvas, my ingredients my palette, mayonnaise is my......” Arty Sandwich





Football Model Required – Sleuth Any Good?

Sleuth’s upset he missed out on this – click here. Male models were required - £150 for the half day - to act as 'The Body'. This would have been for a 'performance exhibit’ at the National Football Museum opening in Manchester in 2012 ‘that looks at different areas of the body and common footballing injuries etc.’

Still Sleuth’s going to keep an eye out, see if there’s a part two of the exhibition for ‘ex-decent enough footballer now in his forties who’s eaten too much rich food and drunk too much alcohol’. He should be perfect.

Liverpool Beats Manchester – Sleuth Doesn’t Mind

Even better than the above ad in the previous story from the ‘Starnow’ website is this one for Liverpool – click here. It reads, ‘Five nuns required of all ages for extra work in Liverpool City Centre’. Enigmatically the ad goes on to say, ‘We are shooting a 3D modern day version of the film 'Dracula' and require 5 females of various ages (18+) to play the part of nuns in the convent.’ Sleuth particularly loves the line: ‘No previous acting experience’ needed.

Sleuth’s Bigmouth Strikes Again

So Sleuth was giving a speech about the Peterloo Massacre, the single most important event in Manchester’s political history. This was when 15 people died and more than 600 were injured on 16 August 1819 protesting about a lack of parliamentary representation. At the end of the talk he said, “We have a plaque, but not a statue or any such thing. Given Manchester’s sorry record with commemorative public art perhaps it’s better it stays that way. Who wants another failure of public art.So now let’s open up the talk to questions - you first sir.” “Hello,” said a smiling gentlemen, “I’m a member of the Peterloo Commemorative Group, and we've been campaigning for statue or other work in the city centre.” Oops, thought Sleuth.

Sleuth’s Russian Poll Idea

Sleuth’s friend, Russian economist Svetlana, agrees over Peterloo. “Since Manchester has one of the lowest turnouts in elections, instead of a statue maybe they could start a trust fund to bus people to Polling Stations, get them to exercise the privilege people died to gain in Manchester.” 

Sleuth’s Grouse Of The Week

Sleuth is often asked why we seem at Confidential to favour certain Manchester chefs over other ones. Two reasons - as Sir Richard Leese always says. One, because they’re better than other chefs and, two, because they tell us of dishes that might make our mouths water. Thus Robert Owen Brown of the Mark Addy, who is one of the best chefs in Northern England for traditional British food delivered with flair, told us of his grouse pictured above. The birds were quickly devoured by Gordo and Sleuth. Perfect roast grouse, perfect bread sauce, best home-made crisps around, lovely rowan jelly, splendid off-camera spud, gorgeous game pate, superb gravy and good matching greens. Robust, hearty, honest, the best of British, seasonal and from the North West. £18. Get one quick before they all disappear. 

Serious Sleuth - Maddest Rioting News Story This Week

Sleuth knows that Gordo of Manchester Confidential can offend people in his food reviews, but his are sins of frank expression not sins of shocking social engineering intent. 

This wasn't the case with this story in the MEN (click here) about what to do with the kids of problem families.

It was the most extreme of the mainstream medias' efforts to understand the English riots.

First the writer says of the rioters (how close the words writer and rioter sound, thinks Sleuth): 'We don’t want to know their names. We wish they’d just disappear, preferably on a rickety old RAF Hercules to Afghanistan where the Taliban could deal with them.' In other words she wanted them all dead. 

Maybe, Sleuth thinks, she is being ironic here. He hopes.

A passage further down is utterly without irony. This is about the need to nip the problem of problem hoodie sorts in the bud.

'The solution is to remove these children from neglectful parents at the earliest possible age and take them into foster care or, better still, put them up for adoption.'


Who would decide on which children get taken like this, who would decide that there's no possibility of redemption for the parents, who would snatch child from mother, how neglectful would the parents have to be for this to happen?

Instead of helping families, as a society we'd break them, destroy them and re-mould them in some 'Truman Show' image. 

There is more of this kind of language too.

To Sleuth's mind this means we'd try to cure 'sick Britain' (to use Cameron's idiot expression - he needs to learn a bit of history) by becoming sicker?

It's the worst sort of twentieth century social engineering, it smacks of nasty authoritarian regimes that have desired to cure their society's ills by showing how tough and no-nonsense they are. 

Then, like a wet kipper across the face, after the anger the writer immediately mentions her holiday in Wales and how much it cost. 

That defines bathos. The sudden slip from talking about the big themes to slipping into the commonplace. 

As one reader said to Sleuth, how was this article allowed to be published?

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18 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

tblzebraAugust 19th 2011.

Oooops indeed about Peterloo Memorial. I inwardly cringed for you.

sproutAugust 19th 2011.

the reference to "plump birds" reminded me of your recent letter to that london blogger (lizzieeatslondon.blogspot.com/…/for-london.html…?). well funny

EARLE OF DISBURYAugust 19th 2011.

a bit of social engineering is just what we need in the UK , we should stop throwing benefits and free housing at the unemployed underclass (if you can't feed em don't breed em, bring back discipline in schools , have a prison service which doesn't resemble a butlins holiday camp and have a national service (civil and military ) which any unemployed youth seeking unemployment benefit must attend to pick up their allowance , that with ignoring the "do gooders and apologists" who have created this sick society , so get off your high horse mr editor the country is tired of the gimme gimme criminals and all they stand for.

1 Response: Reply To This...
Jonathan SchofieldAugust 19th 2011.

Oh Earle, you're funny. Get a bit of history down your neck, do a bit of travelling, use your own eyes not the filter of the media and tell me that we truly live in a sick society. Oh and stop blaming others.

North Wales fanAugust 19th 2011.

Spot on on the MEN article Jonathan. It was horrendous: bigoted one minute, self-congratulationary the next. By the way I see that a cache of middle-class rioters has now been added to the list of convicted. Not sure what that does to the theory.

Vicki GallagherAugust 19th 2011.

Totally agree with the Mad Story of the Week article, in fact I think it was one of the scariest articles I read (and I did look at the Daily Mail as I have a fascination with the views of the readership). Deanna Delamotta has a very large chip on her shoulder regarding 'feckless parents' and the 'underclass' in general. If you can find her article 'Blame Lies with Absentee Parents' printed in the MEN on 14th April you'll note her particular views on looked after children. She is also from a family of social workers - which makes things even scarier.

AnonymousAugust 19th 2011.

I can't stop thinking about the bread sauce. It was amazing.

Simon TurnerAugust 19th 2011.

It was like Deanna Delamotta's audition for a column in the Daily Mail. Self-awareness = nil. Humanity = nil. Sense of perspective or history = nil.

AnonymousAugust 22nd 2011.

Perhaps we should all club together and buy Deanna a one way ticket to afganistan? but then what on earth have the taliban done to deserve that.

James SpencerSeptember 2nd 2011.

>>'The solution is to remove these children from neglectful parents at the earliest possible age and take them into foster care or, better still, put them up for adoption.<<

But Sleuth M8, according to the Indie on the 2nd September this is exactly what Michael Gove is proposing at least in England.

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