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Sleuth 18/07/2008

Rigged petitions, the BBC’s amazing condescension and Ronaldo confesses (maybe)

Published on July 18th 2008.

Sleuth 18/07/2008

Essential vote
There’s a row going on down in the Village. On the one side Mark Cain of Velvet wants to create a 20 bedroom hotel in the building above the bar. On the other side is Nigel Martin-Smith owner of Essential nightclub, ex of Take That and currently of the ludicrous ASBRO (see Sleuth last week). Martin-Smith believes that the party atmosphere of the Village will be diluted if the hotel gets the nod. He’s started a petition too. A very odd one. Allegedly to get into Essential for an innocent night’s clubbing recently you had to sign a petition against the hotel. Had to. Enforced petitions: they’re the future thinks Sleuth. Confidential will have a bigger story on the hotel row next week

Absolute shower
Sleuth loves finding out about new places in the area. So when Dave Bishop enthusiastically reviewed The King William in Wilmslow, Sleuth went on the website. Looked like there was a permanent party going on there, loads of people having fun and enjoying the Spanish food. Then he clicked on the guesthouse pics, lovely click here. And look, bless, it's not even mounted.

Insider knowledge
Weird stuff with the Insider business magazine’s 100 most influential people in the NW for 2008. Sleuth wonders if they’re having a laugh. First he spotted leaders of the pro Congestion Charge United City group, the Oglesbys of Bruntwood at 11 and 13, framing Andrew Simpson of Peel Holdings, who is virulently anti Congestion Charge at 12. Sleuth also found that MEN editor Paul Horrocks at 83 had changed since he last saw him. Below is Mr Horrocks’ profile and underneath a rather lovely picture of the whole new Mr Horrocks in the same panel. Maybe there's been some mistake?

Lovely Rita Meter Maid
Sleuth was stumbling round the Northern Quarter when he found this sign on a boarded up window opposite Blu Bar on Thomas Street. Whilst some people might agree with the sentiments expressed, Sleuth really does think some people have way too much time on their hands.

EastzEast goes west
Sleuth couldn’t help a grin at his good friends EastzEast and their valet parking. One regular diner tells how the staff simply take the cars away and park them on nearby streets and then move them on before traffic wardens turn up. One diner had his Merc parked on double yellow lines nearby. Another car took twenty minutes to be retrieved from across town. “When I heard about the valet parking, I thought they meant they’d taken parking bays in the multi-storey under the nearby Renaissance Hotel,” Sleuth’s informant said, “not that they'd just move them round the streets.”

Ronaldo confesses
Sleuth hears the surprising news that Manchester United player Cristiano Ronaldo has admitted that he is a "modern day idiot". "The way I have been treated (by myself) over the last few weeks, over potentially signing for Real Madrid just one year into a five year contract with United, leaves me with no doubt that I am a proper modern day idiot,” he almost told Sleuth. “I realise now that earning more than £100k a week doesn't mean I can't be thick as two short pranchas* as well as an insensitive fool to real modern day slaves.” Meanwhile in a surprise move the head of UEFA Sebb Blatter has nearly admitted that he's an even bigger "modern day idiot" than the Portuguese idiot. “It always amazes me, the amount of crap which comes out of my mouth whenever I have an idea, such as comparing Ronaldo’s position to modern day slavery.” *Portuguese for planks.

An easy spread
Meanwhile after the Confidential story about the hideous planters in Albert Square and a lack of taste in the Council, see the Architecture section on Confidential, Sleuth has an idea for making things more commercial – click here. Although they're probably not as ugly as the ones just placed there.

BBC and life up here
Aunty has outdone herself in terms of Metropolitan condescension in the latest issue of in-house magazine Ariel. In an article called ‘Meet one of Manchester’s newest recruits’ profiling the move of one Penny Woodhams the opening line is: ‘Some people are thinking what life might be like in Manchester...’ Sleuth wonders where these people think Manchester is, Siberia? Penny is pictured outside her new house ‘just north of Didsbury’. A startlingly intelligent advice panel contains such nuggets as, ‘Research like mad places to live [sic]. As with any city there are some great places, and areas to avoid.’ How very illuminating. The only thing the half-hearted report lacks is the sentence, 'Manchester's not as crap as you think it is, it's a tiny bit better than that.'

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16 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

JamesJuly 18th 2008.

As in the BBC article, I live 'just north of Didsbury', but I call it Withington

AnonymousJuly 18th 2008.

Of course Nigel's 'petition' isn't because the hotel would be next door to QUEER, which would have to turn it's music down. Or the fact his boyfriend owns another gay hotel in the village?

Captain GayJuly 18th 2008.

Queer give you free shots if you sign the petition. How...er...queer.

AnonymousJuly 18th 2008.

Bring back Gastros , that will sort out Nigel Von ****e and his small boy collection ASBRO

CSJuly 18th 2008.

Wasn't there some equally unpleasant campaign launched in the village over Federation's would-be residency at the Ritz a few months back?

Take That, you swineJuly 18th 2008.

What next? Will NMS be insisting that his patrons have to believe that orange hued skin is also somehow 'essential' for entry? I'm with Velvet. Without blowing its own trumpet, it has done far more for The Village than ASBRO Nige and those post-Adam Rickitt Aldi poppers of his.

johnthebriefJuly 18th 2008.

On the basis that the enemy of my enemy is my friend, I wish Velvet the best of luck in their dispute with Nigel Martin-****

johnthebriefJuly 18th 2008.

How strange that you're not allowed to type Mr Martin-Sh!t's name correctly.... A truly dreadful man

stejaskiJuly 18th 2008.

A petition to get Essential closed down-I'd sign that. Rancid Vile home of the Rancid and Vile. And can we chuck Queer in at the same time?

Twinkle-toesJuly 18th 2008.

The solution to Ronaldo is easy: sell him. He's going to whinge all season anyway

SharonJuly 18th 2008.

I think Ronaldo should stay but allow him to be a doorman at NMS's Essential. He'd fit right in.

Not usually anonymous but does not want to be barred from nonEssentialJuly 18th 2008.

The hotel sounds like a great idea - I like velvet!

AnonymousJuly 18th 2008.

NMS has to be one of the biggest cocks in the village...velvet offer a great place to eat and drink...maybe NMS should put his efforts into cleaning up his dirty smelly rancid club that is essential

jcJuly 18th 2008.

It's a shame when all to often members of the Village Business Association choose not to embrace diversity or postively support each other in their endeavours, but instead follow their own narrow self-interest. Personally I look forward to the opening of the Velvet Hotel, well done!

AnonymousJuly 18th 2008.

If I booked a hotel on Canal Street I wouldnt be expecting serenity and views of the hills. Good luck to Velvet - hope it works out.

Guy BurgessJuly 18th 2008.

Excuse me, NMS has one of the biggest cocks in the Vilage....too much information

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