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Sleuth 18/01/2008

Solution for Afflecks and Bono puts Levenshulme on the map

Published on January 18th 2008.

Sleuth 18/01/2008

Bono chats to Sleuth
Sleuth went down to Levenshulme to view the famous Street With No Name signboard. Unlike reports elsewhere there were no ‘hordes ‘ of tourists queuing to photograph it. A floppy eared mutt trotted by but it clearly wasn’t on holiday from Japan. Sleuth was turning away when Bono strolled up. “You look as though you’ve got something on your mind,” said Sleuth. A worried Bono said, “I want to run. I want to hide. I want to tear down the walls that hold me inside. I want to reach out and touch the flame where the streets have no name.” Sleuth thought for a minute, “Ah, so that would be Levenshulme would it?”

Walrus shows teeth
Sleuth was at the launch of Walrus bar in the Northern Quarter on Thursday. Later he bumped into the North West’s most famous vegetarian comedian Dave Spikey. He was looking down in the mouth. Turns out that whilst Sleuth had been slugging rare Australian pale ales in Walrus, Spikey and his missus had been stuck outside doing the clipboard two-step. “No, sorry, not down here, can’t let you in, I’m afraid,” said the door minders. Fame just isn’t enough sometimes. Shame really because Spikey missed a launch unique in the annals of recent history: there wasn’t a single child from Hollyoaks in attendance. Sleuth wonders if they’d been kept in for emergency acting lessons.

Acting the goat
As reported in our Food and Drink Round-up yesterday, chef David Gale is to move to Podium restaurant at the Hilton to knock it into shape. Not a moment too soon. Sleuth hears of a diner who wondered where the inevitable goats cheese in the dreary vegetarian dish had come from. The breezy reply was, “we get it fresh every morning from Marks and Spencer”. Quick Mr Gale, get in there and sort it.

Spelling it out
Sleuth thinks our Liverpudlian cousins will host a splendid Capital of Culture, he already has a few events circled in the diary. But he wonders if the city really wanted this image to be picked out for circulation across the globe after the weekend’s opening events. Apparently the sign shown here was a joke referring to doubts over whether the city could be ready in time – with a guy fixing the last letter as part of the performance. If so it backfired. They should have chosen to fix the letter R instead because all most people have seen across the world is a big neon sign spelling LIVERPOO. Stinks in Sleuth’s opinion.

Moon madness
Sleuth was staring in fear at the Britain’s Got Talent wannabes queuing outside the Palace Theatre when he was hailed by Manchester based folk singer songwriter Kirsty McGee. Hadn’t seen her for years since she’d written for the old City Life magazine. She’s got a fourth album coming out this year and some interesting gigs lined up. One’s in Stavangar in Norway, but that’s not until November because the promoter only puts bands on once a month. “Why?” asked Sleuth. “Because he only hosts bands when it’s a full moon,” she said. Crazy Vikings. Here's some folk from McGee

Rug-ged looks
The Malmaison in Manchester won the group’s hotel of the year award at a ceremony in Birmingham this week. The manager, an amiable Aussie by the name of Graham Bradford, couldn’t attend. He was back home on his annual leave. When the announcement was made there was a satellite link up with a surprised Bradford. Back in Brum everybody was in evening dress, Bradford was in a pool sporting a Ryan Giggs chest rug. As one guest told Sleuth, “Fortunately we’d finished our dinner by then.”

Afflecks' solution – breaking news
Meanwhile Sleuth has had a conversation with Harrod’s owner Mohamed Al-Fayed about the theatened Afflecks Palace. “Yes we are thinking of turning it into the Harrods of the North,“ sources close to the man told Sleuth. “The present problems facing Afflecks are part of a conspiracy by the Royal Family, together with MI5 and MI6, to turn every building in the country into apartments. It’s his vision to buy the building and keep it open. All the traders’ jobs will be guaranteed as long as they only sell Diana and Dodi memorabilia. The famous ‘On the eighth day God created Manchester’ T-shirts will become, ‘On the eleventh year Al-Fayed still wouldn’t let it drop’. There’s going to be a newsagents which only sells the Daily Express. ” Next week Sleuth talks to Mohamed Al Fayed about how the Royal Family and the British Secret Services arranged the Vesuvius volcano eruption in 79AD that killed thousands of people in Pompeii.

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John LewisJanuary 18th 2008.

Hey I was going to buy Afflecks

The Edge Development, SalfordJanuary 18th 2008.

Apparently the Joshua Tree was going to be called the Levenshulme Bush

Marks & SpencerJanuary 18th 2008.

Aw, I always get to the best areas last. Damn you Harrods *shakes fists*

jamesJanuary 18th 2008.

Lovely to see about 80 teenagers protesting outside Afflecks yesterday. Shouting and cheering Save Afflecks and getting lots of beeping horns as the cars went past.

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