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Sleuth 16/09/2011

Coop's Real Name For Noma, Football Fashions, Giggs' Breasts, The World's Worst Lyrics (again)

Published on September 15th 2011.


Sleuth 16/09/2011

Sleuth
Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week, it's the truth, but Sleuth's truth. We give £25 for every story/rumour and piece of absurdity you find for us to print. Sleuth sometimes even gets serious. We ask for the money back if any legal action follows.
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Sleuth’s Learns Co-op’s True Intentions For NOMA

There has been much debate in the city about the name the Cooperative Group has given their vast new development in the northern end of the city centre: NOMA.  See here for a fly-through of the project.

Sleuth can now reveal the true plans about the name.

A spokesperson of very low height and with a jolly red hat told Sleuth, “The Cooperative Group has decided, with its ethical policies in mind, to create a national homeland for little people.

'These are often the target of discrimination, especially by humans leaving pubs who kidnap them from gardens, force them to go on holiday and coerce them to write postcards home. It's a form of ceramic slavery.

'To celebrate a new homeland of freedom and opportunity, NOMA will on completion become GNOMA, and will also include a pond for inhabitants with fishing rods.”

Sleuth is happy about GNOMA. It makes far more sense than the name NOMA. Of course the existing name for much of the area, Angel Meadow, would be better.....

 

Gnomes %281%29

Sleuth’s Perfect 21st Century Story Of The Week

This from the How-do website: ‘Natasha Giggs, the wife of Ryan Gigg's brother Rhodri and the United star’s alleged long-term lover, has reportedly had a breast enhancement operation, paid for with the cash she received from selling her story to the tabloid press.’ Apparently the former estate agent was hinting on Twitter she might be using her new assets to commercial advantage. She tweeted: ‘Got my business head on today #timetoinvest’. Entrepreneurial, self-improvement at its best thinks Sleuth, who needs to expand the mind when you can expand your .....
 

Pills and Thrills and Cockney Whinging

Ex-City Life editor Luke Bainbridge is conducting conversations in Waterstones with ex-Happy Mondays’ frontman Shaun Ryder - he of ‘I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here Fame’ (click here). This marks the launch of Ryder's autobiography. The placement person in the Confidential office heard this and asked, “Wasn't Shaun Ryder on Eastenders?” She’d never heard of him. Sleuth felt old.

Sleuth’s Childish ‘Rubber’ Puns Of The Week

Simon Binns, news editor here, got to drive this vehicle around - see below. He’s always wanted to be part of a big push for Durex. Indeed he said, “I had a wild old time in the van, driving it around the city centre. I wasn't too bothered about the Durex branding.  I even got a few wolf whistles.” So how did it make him feel? "Well, it was a bit stiff at first but when my co-driver grabbed hold of it and waggled it around for a few minutes, then managed to get it in first, it shot off all over the place." He was, of course, talking about the camper van's gear stick. He was of course being childish.

Binns_Durex

Worst Manchester Lyrics Ever

Take That have been cited as one of the reasons why Manchester city centre’s hotels are doing relatively well this year.

Relatively well.

The average cost of a room per night in Manchester rose by 1% to £77. In almost all other cities it fell by at least 1%.

Part of this, the report from Hotel Price Index claims, is down to the huge numbers of people who stayed during Take That's mammoth Progress tour.

Apropos of nothing Sleuth loves to take the opportunity of a Take That mention to trot out the worst lyrics ever written - they also border on the tasteless.

So from 'Mancunian Way' from 2006 - all together now.

‘We used to walk Mancunian Way/We used to swagger we used to sway/ Up until the lights took us away/ Do you know what you meant to me?/ We used to think we were the bomb/ Then someone left a real one/ We stayed indoors as the rain come (sic)/ Back then it made no sense to me/ I'm missing your face, your beautiful face/ It's funny that they really gave us the keys to the city, but they don't fit anything/ But I'm coming away.’

Sleuth has no idea what’s going on there except with the line ‘Back then it made no sense to me’. No bloody wonder, it still doesn't.

Sleuth’s Pointless Email Of The Week

Bureaucracy is a funny old thing. Sleuth helps coach a team in the youth leagues of Manchester. The South Manchester Timperley league has insisted on a new efficient emailing system to make things clearer and more straightforward. The latest email had all of these qualities. It read: ‘There has been a Referee Appointment(s) for a Fixture that could affect you:  Under 15s Division 1 SUN 18 SEP 2011 10:30. Referee: assigned yet none, Assistant 1: assigned yet none, Assistant 2: assigned yet none’. That cleared things up.

Number Crunching – Council deafness

Level of objections to proposed club under Quay House giving rise to crisis meeting – 50

Number of people who’ve left their name in order to volunteer for city projects after the I love MCR response to the riots  – 180

Number of people ignored by the city council in the Manchester Confidential city parking petition – 6200

MORE THAN SIX BLOODY THOUSAND.

Sleuth’s Longest Lunch

Sleuth needed to have a meeting with a Confidential film reviewer so he suggested lunch. She replied with, ‘I'm abroad next week, what about the week after? I can do lunch from Monday 26 to Friday 30 September’. Sleuth replied that even with wine a five day lunch would be too long but he might manage two.

What Sleuth Wears To Football Matches

Sleuth happened to be at the City v Napoli match on Wednesday at the same time most of Manchester Confidential was at the Harvey Nichols event in the Great Hall at Manchester Town Hall. Amongst the many tweets coming through from the catwalk were three titled Football Fashionistas. These showed what the football savvy man should be wearing to matches.

Sleuth looked at this Harvey Nichols gent (below) in his football fashion show togs and he looked around the crowd. Nope, nobody looked like that.

Football Fashion 1Football Fashion 1

Sleuth looked at this gent in his football fashions and he looked around the crowd. Nope, nobody looked like that.

Football Fashion 2Football Fashion 2

Sleuth looked at this gent in his football fashions and he looked around the crowd. Nope, nobody looked like that.

Wait, just a minute, was there a man, three rows down, with boxing gloves in the stadium? Was there? No, it was just a big guy carrying a large meat and potato pie in each hand.

Football Fashion 3Football Fashion 3

Sleuth’s lies to tell tourists

Etihad Stadium translates from the original Arabic as ‘Carlos Tevez’s Wages'.

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AnonymousSeptember 16th 2011.

What's happening with the parking proposals? I've noticed that there's some new consultation proposals posted on the pay and display machines, but are they 100% going through now?

Cream off ManchesterSeptember 16th 2011.

Carlos Tevez, hahahaha!

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