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Sleuth 15/11/07

Village people to reform in Manchester, rude websites and iron bars

Published on November 16th 2007.


Sleuth 15/11/07

Young man, der-der, der-der, DER-DER
Sleuth feels sorry for the folk who organised a Village people cover band audition. As this picture shows, only the Construction site guys turned up.

Sven moves on
Sleuth bumped into Manchester City manager Sven the other day, in the bar of the Radisson Edwardian. Apparently he moved over from The Lowry where he was staying because of an unfortunate and embarrassing series of incidents. These were called Manchester United. It's common now for Premiership clubs to get together prior to a game in a hotel, even when playing at home. When United started using the Lowry, Sven thought it was time to move on - meeting Sir Alex over a hot stone treatment in the spa was apparently unthinkable.

Invisible restaurant disappears
Jowata, the African restaurant on Deansgate has closed. It was a remarkable place, notable for being the only restaurant in the world that managed to survive several years without a single customer. Rumours are rife that when the place was being boarded up nobody told the staff. They're still in there waiting for that door to open on the wonderful world of customer service.

Song and dance
Jowata, see above, was odd in many ways. Above Jowata is the Spanish cultural promoter, the Cervantes Institute, which has courses and classes on flamenco and so forth. On several occasions Jowata's owner called the Police after being disturbed in the kitchens by the dancers. Apparently, the owner claimed the the Iberian rhythms above made 'the pans boil over'. In the end the classes had to move to the Green Room. They couldn't even practice on Monday when the restaurant was closed as the owner said she might be having friends around. By the way the Police joined in the classes and put together some lovely moves. Or maybe not.

Men in skirts
Sleuth is pleased to have been invited to the Lord Mayor’s Ball later this month. He’s got a problem though. The invite says to wear ‘Lounge Suit/Evening Wear/ National Costume’. As an Englishman what would the latter be? A pinstripe suit and bowler hat, a Lacoste tracksuit and Airmax 90s trainers? Actually Sleuth is thinking of wearing a kilt, after all the version beloved of Scots, was invented by Englishman and good Lancastrian, Thomas Rawlinson in the 1720s.

The Media and Porn
After Confidential won 'The One to Watch' at the North West Brand awards on Tuesday, Sleuth had a chat with Nick Jaspan, boss of the excellent website which helped organise the event, How-Do. Everything seems rosy over there apart from occasional confusion for readers. There's Nick's lovely How-Do.co.uk which gives the low down on the North West media and there's How-Do.com which gives the low down on global porn. Business men can now claim an honest mistake in being led into one-handed page viewing. Anyway Sleuth for the benefit of Confidential readers fully researched the other How-Do. Amongst the usual filth was the search button. This was cheerfully labeled 'Spank It'.

Monkey business
News from Channel Erm and their Urbis studios. On Wednesday morning the Channel was featuring Shaolin Monks. These were demonstrating how to break iron bars on parts of their bodies. This is an ancient and revered practice whereby years of meditation and profound Buddhist wisdom are channelled into pointless gimmicks and ludicrous party tricks. It's the sort of thing which makes gullible Westerners fall for Eastern religions. One Shaolin monk got an iron bar and whacked it against his head. Result. The bar broke. Then it flew through two window panes like a bullet. Oops. Urbis glass is horrifically expensive. Just goes to show that people in glass houses shouldn’t throw, er, iron bars. Viewing figures boost
Sleuth can't confirm rumours that due to a rise in viewing figures caused by the monks as illustrated in the story above, Channel Erm aim other events in which they will smash more Urbis windows prior to them largely vacating the building in the next month or so.

Dunce's cap
Sleuth was passed this intriguing letter which appeared in the MEN on Wednesday. It was from DJ Banks and read, ‘I read your news item (MEN, November 3) giving the cost and visitor numbers at Urbis over a period of five years (2002/2007). They quote one million visitors (which) divided by five years gives an annual number of 200,000. If that is divided by 52 weeks you get a weekly number of 385 people, which divided by seven days would give a daily figure of 55. Urbis cost £30m to build using public funds and £2m annually from the city council. Given the above information, should we really be celebrating this so-called success?’ Nice one Mr Banks, nice one sub-editors. Now please check those figures again and then stand in the corner with your hands on your head.

Where is James Purnell?
Following James Purnell’s faked photographs at Tameside Hospital, we ask the Culture Secretary and MP for Stalybridge and Hyde, where he’s not been this week.

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31 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

As Aspirational SleuthNovember 16th 2007.

No I'm the Real Sleuth and I think that the purpose of this little section on Manchester's independent online magazine owned by Mancs is to poke fun at anybody and the Shaolin monks thing is hilarious - so that's why it might be interesting. Bitterness has nothing to do with it. Fun dear MEN Sleuth is the point, that's why there are lots of targets on Sleuth. Are we bitter about James Purnell - don't think so. And I'm glad you want to join in and become another Sleuth.

MirandaNovember 16th 2007.

SPS: don't you know: the purpose of this section is to poke fun at people unless you poke fun at THEM. Keep up slothful sleuth.

The Real SleuthNovember 16th 2007.

Could Sleuth uncover whether the rumours about Nick Jaspan being close friends with certain members of the Manc Conf hierarchy is true. Whether this then has a bearing on them being billed as one to watch in an event organised by their mate, and whether the comment about their mate's website being excellent should be seen as impartial opinion or shameless promotion. Ain't this the sort of thing Sleuth would mention if it concerned other company's in Manchester. Thought so. Independent, impartial, my arse.

M1November 16th 2007.

Should DJ Banks, not be spelt DJ Banx?

SlothNovember 16th 2007.

I know Mick Jaspin, and I can reveal that he often watches Granada and has been known to frequent his local co-op late shop for last minute bottles of vino. Not sure how he snuck it passed the Confederation of British Industry and the Chartered Institute of Marketing, but it's definitely a Conspiracy!

The MEN SleuthNovember 16th 2007.

What I'd like to Sleuth to look into his obsession with the MEN and why he/she thinks we're interested. Makes him sound like some bitter ex-employee or summat.

JimNovember 16th 2007.

Gilles I'm not bored my it. I love it. These rants are some of the funniest things in Manchester.

Billy one ear says.....November 16th 2007.

Gilles, that you again going on with yourself? bugger off.

Inspector ClouseauNovember 16th 2007.

No I'm the real Sleuth

AnonymousNovember 16th 2007.

Are MEN staffers bitter that this site provides a better insight into the city than they do?

Nick JaspanNovember 16th 2007.

OK, hands up. I am very good friends with Gordo, and, if I can give his website a helping hand, then I will. But I genuinely do like it, as well, so wasn't only favouritism. I would like to say the other awards were fairly valid - as much as these thing ever are - EDITORIAL NOTE: this was not posted by Nick Jaspan. Jaspan assures us that all the awards were arrived at in a similar above board manner. Funny aliases are fine - this is plain wrong. We will have to remove such posts in future.

Philip MarloweNovember 16th 2007.

Er...I think you'll find I'm the real Sleuth

Kid DiscoNovember 16th 2007.

I for one found the Sleuthicus comments fairly humourous actually Gilles. Can't say the same about your comment though, add something to the thread, don't just take take take. Your surname isn't Pot by any chance is it?

CatNovember 16th 2007.

Oooh, Gilles really has got his knickers in a twist hasn't he? "Puerile pea brains"?? If we're talking about public unravelling, then I should say you've just made a marvellous start Gilles. Your most recent rant was malevolent in the extreme. It must take a lot of energy to be that malicious and unfortunately any valid points that you may have made, were smothered by your spite filled diatribe. Repeat after me Gilles, out with the hate - in with the love.

John SleuthNovember 16th 2007.

(Somewhat inevitably): I'm Sleuth and so's my wife!

SleuthicusNovember 16th 2007.

No I'm the real Sleuth!

LuelNovember 16th 2007.

I know for fact that Jonathan Schofield was a freelancer when he was working at the Evening News and that he wanted to leave when Manchester Confidential gave him the opportunity to edit this site. Unlike me. I was made redundant by the Sales jokers who run the Guardian Media Group up here, so that they could play with broadcast and go advertorial, rather than give extra money to journalists to find real stories which might give credibility and attract advertising revenues through being quality. It's a sorry mess. If you want bitter.... try me.

Nick JaspanNovember 16th 2007.

Who is this Mick Jaspin?

billy one earNovember 16th 2007.

Oh **** me Gilles. It's you again. Why do you read it then you twat? Has the stone been particularly heavy over the past few weeks, not seen you for a while though I cant say i miss your weird hatred of scofield. Get over it.

victorNovember 16th 2007.

As my old mate Roger would say when detecting any anger in a voice,"Bitter?Mine's a pint."

CatNovember 16th 2007.

Oi, I don't work for Manc Confidential, ta v.much. If you noted my comment about 'out with the hate, in with the love' you would realise I'm far too smacked out on lobotomising happy pills to work, silly boy. All together now: "we are the world, we are the people..."

Jonny Van GothNovember 16th 2007.

Go with the kilt for sure.Wear some homegrown talent from Midas Clothing or go for the saville row of kilts with 21st Century in a plain black or a pinstripe.

Not GordoNovember 16th 2007.

SPS, we hate that Schofield, take him back quick

The Aspiring SleuthNovember 16th 2007.

What I'd like the Sleuth to look into is where has ManCon's Kelly gone? - the last posting in her "Ask Kelly" section was March 2007. Is no one in Manchester curious any more...?

GillesNovember 16th 2007.

Anyone else bored senseless by this lame Spartacus shctick every time Schofield gets outed as Sleuth? - made more damning by the fact that they are patently posted by the puerile pea-brains who work on this 'online' magazine - an oxymoron btw. It's tedious. Move on, please. So we now know the name of the person who embarrasses himself every Friday - so what? Personally, I love seeing all the bitter ex-employee remarks: watching someone unravel so publicly has never been so amusing.

Sleuth Postings SleuthNovember 16th 2007.

I detect postings on this thread are by Conf staff members. 'Manchester's Independent Online Magazine'. And juvenile gags always when there's criticism. It's no wonder you uncover f*ck all when you can't cover your own tracks. Why doesn't Sleuth own up: are you an ex-employee of the MEN? If so, are you bitter about now having to work for Manchester's advertorial online site, hence the spate of MEN knocking stories. I'd been told Jonathan Schofield writes this by someone I met out from Manc Conf and he's really bitter about being carted from the MEN. Something for Sleuth to explore on the psychiatrist's couch - sure you could write an 'independent' article about shrinks and get it for free

An Aardvark SleuthNovember 16th 2007.

What I'd like to know is if Nick Jostick at How do or something is also the close personal friend of ITV Granada, The Co-op bank, Urban Splash and all those other winners of the awards.

Kid DiscoNovember 16th 2007.

"The sad truth is that excellence makes people nervous" - Shana Alexander

CatNovember 16th 2007.

Here's the thing - It's very simple. I like reading Man Con. The articles make me laugh and the rants offer even better comedy value (particularly one's like this). In particular I like it when the readers get a bit riled and question the content of the articles. I reckon it’s fine to be acerbic and biting, as long as you attempt to be constructive with it. If all you can muster up is bilious nonsense, don't bother! Also, just a suggestion this, but why don't you try reading something else if it's so repugnant to you? Anyway, must go. I need to take my pills, meditate and think happy thoughts! ; )

Manc Conf worker, sorry Billy/Cat delete as appropriateNovember 16th 2007.

Gilles, you really are a dick. Sleuth is the funniest thing I've ever read in my live. It's been six months since you posted yet I recall it vividly. You were nasty and mean then. Forget Python, peter Cook and all the other poor pretenders to his throne as funniest man alive ever. The way every week, we have the, 'I'm sleuth, no Im sleuth'. Cackle. I love it. best thing in Manchester by a mile. It gets me every time. He is genius and you are just a nasty old curmudgeon. That do boss?

Sherlock HolmesNovember 16th 2007.

Dear boy, you're a member of the offical police force of France, you can't be Sleuth. Now as for me...impeccable credentials I believe. I was just saying to Dr Watson the other day.......

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