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Sleuth 14/10/2011

An Idiot Abroad, Horror Blogger, Do Women Fancy Men Who Make Cheese, Bathing In The Canal And Other Stories

Published on October 13th 2011.

Sleuth 14/10/2011

Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week, it's the truth, but Sleuth's truth. We give £25 for every story/rumour and piece of absurdity you find for us to print. Sleuth sometimes even gets serious. We ask for the money back if any legal action follows.
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Rooney Is Pilkington

Sleuth was watching England play football in Montenegro last week. He watched until Rooney got sent off for a ridiculous foul. Sleuth turned over and found on Sky a popular programme called An Idiot Abroad. "There's a lot of them about this evening," he thought. 

Funny-shaped Balls

Sleuth turned on the TV on Saturday morning to watch England lose badly to France in the Rugby Union World Cup Quarter Finals in New Zealand. After the first half he couldn't bear to look any more so he turned over. Sleuth found a repeat of An Idiot Abroad. "There's a lot of them about this morning," he thought.

Defensive Secretaries

Sleuth was watching Dr Liam Fox, Secretary of State for Defence on archive footage travelling to Saudi Arabia with his bestest ever, closest forever, cross his heart hope to die, friend Adam Slippery on BBC News. After a few minutes he couldn't bear to look any more so he turned over. Sleuth found a repeat of An Idiot Abroad. "There's a lot of them about this teatime," he thought.

Bloxham Hat Revolution

After several decades of use it appears that property developer Tom Bloxham's leather pork pie hat has been ditched. Here he is wearing his new hat with a man associated with football who started the fashion. Mr Bloxham will now be wearing this hat to all the functions he attends and all the apartment launches for Urban Splash.

Bloxham Alex 

International Women's Day Shock

So Sleuth was in the Confidential office when he got an internal call from Techie Tamar. She said: "I'm looking for an image to put on an International Women's Day story from last year. I'm transferring the archive across to the new system and the picture of that Suffragette woman, Emmeline Pankhurst, is too small. Will Margaret Thatcher do instead?"

Castlefield Cottage
Canal side

Roz Hughes is a Confidential friend and lives above the Rochdale Canal in a flat that's proving to small for cohabitation with the fella. So the couple were looking for somewhere in the city centre that was roomier. Roz mentioned this to a few people and hey presto! she's now moving into the best address in town.

This is the lock-keeper's cottage over the Rochdale Canal in Castlefield and opposite Dukes 92. "It's perfect," she said. Too bloody right, thinks Sleuth.

Apparently though there's only a shower and not a bath. Sleuth had a brainwave, "There's a canal lock outside, fill it with bubble bath, put on some water-wings and bob's your uncle." "Right," said Roz doubtfully. "Put a swimsuit on as well I reckon," advised Sleuth.

Anyway she should definitely buy these mugs (click here) above right. She could drink out of her own house. 

Biggest Office Question Of The Week: Do Women Fancy Men Who Make Cheese

Simon Binns got a call to go and meet Alex James. This gent used to be in Blur but now makes cheese. Apparently Binns had an interview slot at the only superstore that can be seen from the moon, Asda Walmart in east Manchester. The ladies in the office swooned with jealousy. So Sleuth proposed a question: Do women fancy men who make cheese? "Oh God yes, look at the man," said Helen Ramsbottom. "I'd love to make cheese with him," she added, clutching a Dairylea triangle to her heaving bosom. "What about that Sean Wilson then, ex-Martin Platt, who runs the Saddleworth Cheese Company?" asked Sleuth. "Lord no, the cheesemaker has to be fit," came the response.

Smug Before Noddy

Sleuth got a phone call from top Manchester guru, Jo H, the other day. She said, "I've got an interview with Noddy for you. Can you do Smug on the same day?" Sleuth always liked stories such as Noddy in Toytown, Rupert the Bear and The Faraway Tree and was suddenly lost in a moment of childhood recollection in which people and characters have curious names. Of course Jo meant Noddy Holder and Smug Roberts, but Sleuth couldn't help asking, "What about Big Ears ?" Sadly it turns out that Gary Lineker isn't around that Monday.


Free Pickled Onion Pickle

So Sleuth attended the Manchester Food and Drink Festival launch last Friday a little late. He strolled into the beer tent and saw reserved signs on the tables and platters of food. Sleuth tucked in. He was hungry. Halfway through a picked onion there was an atmospheric change that alerted him to a problem. Eight people were staring at him from the benches round the table, open-mouthed and shocked. "This isn't the free food at the Food and Drink Festival launch, is it?" Sleuth said realising what he'd done and blushing. "No, it's our dinner," said a girl. "That we paid for," said a big lad. Sleuth apologised profusely and backed away, breaking into a sprint to get to the gastro tent nearby where the launch was actually taking place. 

Elton John
Sleuth's lies to tell tourists

King Street is named after a brief visit to Sam's Chop House by Elvis Presley in 1958. He wanted to bump into LS Lowry to tell him of his admiration for his matchstick cats and hotdogs. Queen Street is named after a visit by Elton John to the Rising Sun pub which inspired the song 'Don't let the sun go down on me' after an unfortunate incident with a spilled pint.

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7 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

AnonymousOctober 13th 2011.

I agree, the lock keeper's cottage is the best address in town. Best that is until the height of Summer when the world, his wife and their brood of noisy sprogs, invade Castlefield - take it from someone who knows first hand. Make the most of your privacy this winter.

4:1October 13th 2011.

three strikes and you're out anyway

AnonymousOctober 14th 2011.

This got me thinking, what is the real best address in town?
My nominations are Ian Simpson's gaff in Beetham Tower, Gordo Towers (must have a great wine cellar) or one of those giant penthouses in Century Buildings

Andrea TimoneyOctober 14th 2011.

I'm jealous of someone I don't even know. I'll tek the piss-heads in summer....that's a mint gaff. Happy new house to Roz!

AnonymousOctober 14th 2011.

How about the Kings Suite, Midland Hotel, Manchester, as the best address in town. An Arab business associate has been living there for the last 3 years.

AnonymousOctober 14th 2011.

Shouldn’t Bloxham be wearing a hard hat these days? He is going to need one when he starts pulling down Grade II listed Ancoats Hospital.
Sign below to stop the Urban Smash



AnonymousOctober 14th 2011.

Tib Street was names after an old town crier who was born with his bits on backwards.
Victoria Station used to be called Cheetham Atcards but was renamed when Becks married Posh
Only in the last 5 years has the MEN Arena admitted women

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