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Sleuth 13/08/2010

Wes Brown wins new award, Dave Haslam’s legendary table, exports boost, Salford dummies and a whiff

Published on August 13th 2010.


Sleuth 13/08/2010

Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week. We give £25 for every story/rumour and piece of absurdity you find for us to print. We ask for the money back if any legal action follows.

Sleuth finds an amazing society
Sleuth was looking at a Street Directory of Manchester and Salford from 1917 (he loves to do that type of thing) when he saw this listing for Scottish Provident House in Albert Square, first floor, room 8: ‘The Royal Albert Institution for the Feeble-Minded of the Northern Counties’. There are so many jokes about that and so many people Sleuth would like to include in a re-formed institution that Sleuth doesn’t know where to start.

Sleuth knows where to start
This week’s Honorary Membership of the newly formed Royal Institution for the Feeble-minded of the Northern Counties is Wes Brown. Wes Brown will be given life membership for retiring from England. Wes, we are giving you this award for being so deluded as to feel you deserve to regularly feature in the national team. You are truly feeble-minded. Congratulations.

Sleuth’s longboat of the week
Sleuth was sent this message last week. ‘The Vikings in Manchester. Ydalir is the Manchester group of The Vikings, the UK's oldest and largest Dark Age re-enactment society. Our events present a wide range of aspects of life in Viking age Europe, from combat displays to demonstrations of everyday domestic crafts. Our commitment to high standards of accuracy has led to shows for highly prestigious clients such as English Heritage and the British Museum. Film work includes both serious documentary work and somewhat less serious feature films and advertising work. We also export Vikings to Norway’. It’s good to see that Manchester’s export trade hasn’t totally collapsed.

Sleuth’s Pride in Confidential moment of the week
This from the highest authority in Tallinn after Neil Sowerby did a travel piece about Estonia: ‘Dear sir, your article in Manchester Confidential made it onto the site of the Estonian Ministry of Foreign Affairs.’ We may as well close down right now: fame can't get bigger than that.

MediaCityPerks
Steve Saul, BBC Manchester bod, was unusually outspoken recently. Interviewed in Ariel the in-house Beeb magazine, he said: 'I can't believe staff [from London] will be given £1,900-a-month for two years to cover rent, have utility bills paid and be treated to a weekly return trip to London. A quick online search reveals that you can rent a six-bedroomed house in the decent areas of Greater Manchester for that money, or perhaps even a lavish penthouse. What's to stop someone from claiming the full allowance, despite renting for a grand a month, and pocketing a £900 bonus? Over two years, I reckon they'd be better off to the tune of £30,000. Spare a thought for your new colleagues in the north, having to travel further to work on poorer public transport links, costing extra money and time to work alongside people [at Salford Quays] you know are raking it in.' Crikey Steve, maybe you should do a show about it.

The Legendary Hacienda Table
We got this PR last week. ‘In celebration of the Great British Picnic event that took place at Manchester's Triangle shopping centre over the weekend we are presenting Dave Haslam, the former Hacienda DJ, at the Triangle. Dave will be signing his very own personalised picnic bench - created from his own Hacienda-inspired design’. The bench is pictured below.

Confidential trumped
Haslam’s bench was really annoying as we were about to launch a whole series of household goods themed on the greatest club the universe has ever known. We’d even spent - as the picture below shows - years genetically modifying fruit.

Salford dummy
Sleuth was out and about in the neighbour city. There was much talk of pacifiers for the young ones. “What is this Salford dummy you speak of?” asked Sleuth. “A sausage roll from Greggs,” came the reply.

Nipple story
Sleuth’s good friend was at a lady’s only event for professionals who like a drink with networking. This was being held at The Light aparthotel on Church Street. There were various little prizes for the guests including the joke prize of nipple tassels. This was won by a lady vicar. Sleuth’s going to find out where she does her sermons. See if the pulpit performance has been spiced up.

Sleuth’s most important newspaper story of the week

Manchester Evening News proved that investigative journalism wasn't dead in the city this week: ‘Residents in Sale reported a nasty smell across the town on Tuesday evening. The cause of the stench - likened to the smell of manure or sewage - was not clear. The MEN received several calls enquiriing (sic) about the smell and Twitter users also reported the unpleasant aroma. Barry Evans wrote on his Twitter account: "There's a very odd smell lingering around Sale tonight. Anyone order 15 tonnes of horse manure?" And Helen Roadhouse wrote: "Very baaaad smell in Sale." The smell had lifted by Wednesday morning but there were other reports that it may have moved to Chorlton. Greater Manchester Police and the fire brigade both said there have been no incidents which may have been linked to the smell.’

Oh my-effing-God. People smell something and then nothing happens shock. And getting quotes from Twitter. Still Sleuth loves that the smell ‘may have moved to Chorlton’. Sleuth wonders if it’s moved to a semi or a detached.

Next week’s lead stories

Bad smells: are they really all that bad?

Bad smells: the backstory

“It wasn’t me,” says Chorlton bad smell

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18 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

Bad smellAugust 13th 2010.

I'm thinking of moving to Fallowfield now

Leigh ScottAugust 13th 2010.

the bad smell is still in sale today

N BakerAugust 13th 2010.

Maybe Sale just stinks

A RomaAugust 13th 2010.

Apparently somebody was on a tram and smelt the smell at Sale station but it had gone by Stretford. It is one of the most important stories in the world. But it had gone by Stretford. Aren't the horns of trams in the city centre cute. Do you have a bicycle?

Professor StinkovitzAugust 13th 2010.

Zer chemical formula is really qvite simple. Sale combined with Mersey river vasser, the lurid waters of the Bridgewater Canal and an obsession with being in Cheshire not Greater Manchester has reacted badly with the traffic lights on Washway Road which has led to stinks. Yes I have a bicycle.

ClassicanonAugust 13th 2010.

I have a bicycle too but it has a puncture and I really don't want by fingers getting dirty.

James FosterAugust 13th 2010.

I was in Sale on that day with my merry band of other odd looking humanoids and we haven't washed for a bit. I don't have a bicycle nor do any of my friends. we tend to walk everywhere you see. I really hope it wasn't us. It could've been. Really sorry if it was; we were mouching about in that area. we've been looking for the darkside and someone said there were airy fairy types in Chorlton so we went to get our head down there.

AnonymousAugust 13th 2010.

There was also this story in the MEN this week: "New Holiday Inn in Salford given Manchester name" which was all shock-horror about how the Holiday Inn at Salford Quays will refer to itself as "Holiday Inn Manchester-MediaCityUK".

In the heat of indignation, the *Manchester* Evening News failed to say what it would call itself when it moves to Oldham in September.

Ves BraunAugust 13th 2010.

Not written by a bitter by any chance? Concentrate on little Citeh (the Stockport Globetrotters) rather than the 18 times league champions in the future please.

Leigh ScottAugust 13th 2010.

Stop the Wes bashing! He needs to concentrate on United!

NEU!August 13th 2010.

Does the Hacienda design include blood for authenticity ? Nice colour scheme though.

Hero
Katie AmosAugust 13th 2010.

They found the source of the smell - covered in Thursday's issue p.6 'A HUGE pile of agricultural waste dumped in a feidl is being blamed for a smell blighting parts of south Manchester'. Aparently it is in the Carington area - nothing to do with Wes Brown?

Tom10074August 13th 2010.

I agree with Scoteee, this current bout of Wes bashing should stop. He's backed down to concentrate on United, and made room in the England squad for someone else to have a crack at playing for the national team.

AnonymousAugust 13th 2010.

Surely if it's truly authentic Hacienda-inspired furniture it should have been removed by the bailiffs by now?

MattAugust 13th 2010.

I cant remember whether you have or not, but certainly none of your readers have here, so I thought I would: Responsibility for the 'Sale stinks' story lies with Trinity Mirror who have decimated the journalist count at the MEN and dont give a toss for editorial quality. Standards continue to decline. The city loses out. Mind you, merely reprinting financial accounts doesnt qualify as decent journalism either.

jollieAugust 13th 2010.

he's played for england before, he was called up to play on wednesday, he announced his retirement. seems reasonable to me.

oliver19550August 13th 2010.

terry, lampard, gerrard, beckham, and several others should do the same. stop saying that you want to fight for your place. we dont want you anymore. forget trying to win the euros, start building a team for world cup 2014.

angriochaddyAugust 13th 2010.

Ha ha ha, those southern (manc) jessies finally have to cope with a fetid stench in the air they breathe; north and east manchester and salford put up with that phenomenon for many generations - it was called ' heavy industry', courtesy of clayton aniline, ICI, greengate rubber works etc. LMAO

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