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Sleuth: 13/06/2008

Whores in Northenden, the University becomes ridiculous and bonking at Bookbinders

Published on June 13th 2008.


Sleuth: 13/06/2008

A bed of salad and lust
Sleuth’s south Manchester correspondent has got more stories from naughty Northenden, the sleezy suburb. There are a couple of massage parlours, aka brothels, on the main street which have been causing the Civic Society sleepless nights for some time. Ladybirds is one of the establishments and Sleuth was charmed to learn it sits above a kebab shop called Simply Delicious – perhaps the idea is you work up an appetite in one and then grab some grub from the other. However you have to be careful in the kebab shop if you don’t want the services of the girls. “Whatever you do don't ask for donner,” the Northenden informant tells Sleuth.

University suffers truth decay
Sleuth was down at the Dental Hospital at the University on the weekend, wondering if pioneering new work has revealed that Fanta is good for teeth. The way it works at the Hospital is that you wait downstairs in one reception, then get called upstairs to another reception and then eventually through to a dentist. The dentist talks about the need to avoid sugary soft drinks, and there’s even a poster on the wall with this message for children. Meanwhile in the reception downstairs is a vending machine selling soft drinks such as Fanta and the rest. This sits next to a vending machine selling tooth brushes. “I know,” said the dentist, “it’s crazy, we’ve told them that this directly contradicts what we're saying. It breaks our heart to have kids buying a coke and bringing it up here to swig as they wait to see us.” So why do the University allow it? “They say it’s good for revenue,” was the reply. Sleuth wonders if the brains of the University bigwigs have a cavity.

Ducking the issue
Sleuth was doing one of his guided tours around town recently, showing the city and all its interesting bits off, including a stroll down Canal Street. The following day he got this email from one of the visitors. ‘When you stopped to show us Rochdale Canal, you also pointed out a duck on the canal side. I don’t know if you noticed but after you turned away the duck laid an egg, left it on the canal side and dived into the water. The things you see in the village.’ Indeed. Good job Confidential’s Gordo wasn’t around otherwise that egg would have found itself part of a cake.

Veggie Punk
Sleuth sneaked into the judges’ meeting for October’s Manchester Food and Drink Festival this week (or as it might be called the www.citylife.co.uk Manchester Food and Drink Festival in association with Spinningfields – very pithy). Representing the vegetable bothering fraternity at the meeting was John Robb, presenter, writer and punk rock leader of the band Goldblade. The venue was Gaucho Bar and Grill, a splendid restaurant and a winner last year, but famous for its steaks rather than its salads. When the drinks were doing the rounds, Robb revealed he didn’t drink alcohol. “Wow,” said Sleuth, “you must be the only vegetarian teetotaller punk rocker in the world?” “No,” said Robb enigmatically, “there are loads of them in the US.” You really do learn things every day.

Wrong timing
Sleuth was annoyed on Wednesday. The MEN ran a headline about Myra Hindley titled ‘Inside the Mind of a Monster’. Sleuth had managed to persuade the editor of Confidential to run exactly the same headline about a different character, and it had to be dumped which was a big shame, but you can click here to view the piece.

Sleuth’s Confidential paragraph of the week
This was in Laura Marsden’s superb review of Bookbinders, the long-running Bloom Street club this week. ‘We head outside for a cigarette and get chatting to a man. Let’s call him Andy. He is wearing chinos and a pink shirt and asks me if I like his aftershave. “It’s Jo Malone,” he says, “amber and lavender.” I tell him it smells a bit Christmassy. Andy has a lot of “dosh” and loves “bonking”. He says he’d like to watch my friend and I “bonk all night.” He’s has been coming to Bookies since he was a twentysomething. Back then, his motivations were slightly different in that he’d come to ‘grab a granny’. I guess now he just goes for bombshells his own age and the odd Confidential correspondant.’

Sleuth’s lunatic rant of week.
There is always a refreshing spattering of odd people who rant on Confidential. Last week when we put the Sleuth story up about a Felix the cat promo (click here) one individual called Chipperfat wrote: “Cats should all be drowned…one killed a beautiful song thrush in my garden a while ago. And people that own cats are lazy gets, probably teachers!” Lovely random and completely unsupported association there between cats and teachers, very good.

Barbakan and ships of the desert
What have hairy bakers, camels milk and French sausages got in common? The answer is the Barbakan deli in Chorlton. Sleuth learns that on Thursday, the TV chefs, the Hairy Bikers, were in Chorlton for their new series on bread – for which they've changed their name to the Hairy Bakers. The Barbakan was a natural place to stop and the pair went on to the streets of Chorlton to dole out bits of loaves and encourage people away from the cotton wool consistency of your average slice of white. Earlier a Dutch gent had been in to see Victor, the deli manager, to sell him camels milk. “Are there camel farms in Chorlton supplying fresh milk?” Victor had mused. Mr Dutchman explained that it's frozen and unpasturised and you have to thaw it out before use. He promised to return with some samples. Victor is worried he's the victim of a wind up and is wondering when the salesman for gnats milk is going to arrive . By the way Chorlton traders are going French mad this weekend with various foods from that country. So get down there, although you might have to wait for the camels milk.

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9 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

NickJune 13th 2008.

Chipperfat is definitely on to something - my next door neighbour is a teacher and she has two cats. Although I couldn't possibly comment on whether she's a lazy get in case she reads this..

LARGE HarryJune 13th 2008.

Barbakan is a truly fantastic deli and Victor is a real gent. However if you want a loaf of bread that'll provide you with just about a week's worth of bread, seed and nut related nutritional goodness in a single slice (and it tastes good too), nip over the road into Unicorn. Wild at Heart does a gorgeous hot chocolate if you happen to be passing. I'm off to get a life....

chrisJune 13th 2008.

I got back from 2 weeks in Egypt about 17 hours ago, and can confirm that while over there I caught an article on the local news about the rise in camel's milk sales which is making camel farmers very happy, it seems, so it quite feasibly isn't a wind up. Seems just the sort of thing your average Chorltonite would like.

Phil TaylorJune 13th 2008.

Decent restaurants in Spinningfields, it's enough to make a cat laugh.

Edwin the DuckJune 13th 2008.

MaxDunbar - What? I was hungry.

Old NQerJune 13th 2008.

I heard that Unicorn don't sell honey as it 'expolits' bees!Worker bees with no jobs!

MaxDunbarJune 13th 2008.

Re duck story: I can beat that. I was in a pizza place on Oxford Road last summer, waiting for an order, and a duck walked in off the street. Only in Manchester.

Botty Rider 2000June 13th 2008.

Unicorn is great, but be prepared to feel very conspicuous if youre not one of the Chorlton Yogurt Weavers collective. I made the mistake of turning up in my Z4 (ouch), Gucci'd-up after work, mobile phone AND Blackberry ringing and pinging down the aisles, and then.... I was stupid enough to ask where the milk was. Didnt make any new friends that day

crazyjohnJune 13th 2008.

No-one is every going to go to Bookbinders so turn it in, chewy.

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