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Sleuth 12/06/2009

Safety pin terror hits city, media madness, pram rage and the only good thing about Nick Griffin’s election

Published on June 11th 2009.

Sleuth 12/06/2009

Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week. We give £25 for every story/rumour and piece of absurdity you find for us to print. We ask for the money back if any legal action follows.

Green Party finds the positive with the election of Nick Griffin
Sleuth was surprised the other day by a Green Party member he met in Albert Square. The man, who defines left of centre polices, said there was one good thing about Nick Griffin of the BNP representing the North West in Europe. “What could that possibly be?” spluttered Sleuth. “Well,” said his friend, “It means he’ll be out of the country a lot.”

Bloody Nasty People
Sleuth also has the inside track on the way Nick Griffin felt after he’d been egged as he tried to make a speech outside Parliament. Apparently he was furious: the whites hadn’t been separated.

Lack of coverage
At a BNP meeting in a Collyhurst pub this week, the far right bruisers wouldn’t let Channel Erm in because of their association with the MEN who ran an anti-BNP campaign prior to the Euro election. They told Channel Erm to watch what happened on Sky News - who had been allowed in - if they needed to know anything. In the end Channel Erm got the info from Real Radio, the owner of which is MEN Media. Poor BNP it must all be very confusing. On a serious point perhaps the media folk, Sky and so on, should have told the BNP that if one media group wasn't to be allowed in then they would all boycott it, thus rendering it a press conference without, er, the press.

New lethal weapon crime wave
Sleuth had entered the hallowed halls of Manchester Town Hall on Sunday for the election count with a friend. Everybody was being frisked and checked for weapons. Sleuth got scanned for guns, knives and so forth. His friend missed the scan but she got her bag searched. Inside the bag was a safety pin from dry cleaning with a bit of the ticket stub attached. The guard examined the two centimetre long safety pin with the piece of pink paper attached. “You can’t take this in,” the guard said shaking her head, “I’ll have to confiscate it. You can pick it up when you leave.” Sleuth has never seen anybody run amok with a safety pin: the name of the latter seems to place it outside the domain of assault knife, flick knife or hunting knife. Still you can never be too careful.

Handle with care: this is a lethal weapon (although it's also extremely useful for temporarily fixing embarrassing splits)

Dining with Dannii
Sleuth was dining in Sapporo Teppanyaki the other day. It was all very jolly, all very communal with the chef beavering away at the table preparing the nosh. One of Sleuth’s guests pointed to a nearby group. “Isn’t that woman there a celebrity?” She certainly looked the part, all perma-tan, pouting lips and straining bosom. “Not sure,” said Sleuth. Eventually one of the staff said it was Dannii Minogue, sister of the more famous Kylie. “Can anybody remember any of her songs?” said Sleuth. No-one could. “She used to be a judge on X-factor I think,” said a guest, “still can’t remember any of her songs though.” There was a pause whilst people thought it over. “That was the problem with her being on X-factor,” said another guest, “she never had any.”

Pram rage
Sleuth’s heard that the size of some of the prams in southern suburbs is getting out of hand. Apparently in Chorlton they're thinking of introducing a pram lane in the road, alongside the cycle lanes, to accommodate them.

Food and Drink world rocked to its core
The food and drink world in Manchester is horrified. With the proposed tram extension into Didsbury, in a couple of years, it looks like the Slug and Lettuce close to the Clock Tower will have to be demolished. Groups of residents have been seen wandering shocked through the streets. One told Sleuth, “If that Slug and Lettuce goes it’ll be a nail in the coffin of the Village. The pub provides a very distinctive level of utter blandness, it elevates the inconsequential into an art form. Where would we go for pre-cooked food and gassy beer.” But as one chain is threatened another thrives. Over the road the big boarded-up pub on the corner of Wilmslow Road and Barlow Moor Road, last known as Fugu, is going to become a Wetherspoons. For Didsbury it was only a matter of time before this happened. Wetherspoons are everywhere, just the other day Sleuth woke up and found one had opened in his navel.

Yellow peril
Amongst all the furore over taxis overcharging and systems breaking down at the Oasis gigs at Heaton Park, spare a thought for one local resident. He reckons his garden was urinated in by sixty individuals on the first night alone. Sleuth thinks he should apply for recognition in the Guinness Book of Records.

Minis skirt city
Sleuth was walking round town the other day when he was overborne by a crowd of multi-coloured minis. “Are they gay minis?” asked his companion, Raggedy John. “Why?” said Sleuth. “Because they’re covered in the gay rainbow flag, aren’t they?” said John. “I’d say more like harlequin checks,” said Sleuth. Still Sleuth, like the proper dick he is, private dick of course, investigated. Turns out the minis are part of the promotion for the new Park Inn that’s opened a hop and a skip and a jump from the MEN Arena on Cheetham Hill Road. How queer. How Elmo the elephant.

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23 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

BoredofitallJune 11th 2009.

If I have my head up my arse because I don't want to live in a s*** hole that will be overran by dole dossing scum bags queueing outside for it to open so they can have their first 99p pint at 9am, then i'll happily live with that.

BoredofitallJune 11th 2009.

I would just like to state as a Didsbury Village resident, long time taxpayer and frequently angered individual, I DO NOT WANT A WETHERSPOONS IN DIDSBURY VILLAGE. It's bad enough already with the rest of the chain pubs in the area, now to add to the number of betting shops and scally filled Hog's Head and the like we are going to get another chain sh** hole for the dregs of society. I wonder why it is that I get a letter from the council telling me about a takeaway that's going to be built half a mile down the road, but the Wetherspoons that is due to be built on my doorstep has been shh-d only for ManCon to be the bearer of bad news?!?!I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW.

east lancsJune 11th 2009.

Claim to fame; I refused a very fooked Terry Christian entry to a gig at the Clocktower as he refused to pay the paltry £3 to get in :o)

M30June 11th 2009.

*thinks and smiles of the scene in The Witches where the woman's chasing the pram down the hill*

JinkiesJune 11th 2009.

Boredofitall, why don't you start a group called 'keep didsbury interesting'? You're first campaign could be to stop the Wetherspoons opening! There was a similar group in Chorlton not long back, they were called keep Chorlton interesting and aimed to keep out a Tesco's express. They did fail mind, as I bought some beans and bread from said Tesco not two days ago.

CastlefieldJune 11th 2009.

Anony, what were you pushed about in as a child? As if I recall correctly the prams of our childhoods were giant big silvercross things with huge wheels. If you've found a 5ft wide pram perhaps you need to contact the Guiness Book of Records, chill out a bit and stop being so threatened by babies!

alJune 11th 2009.

What have Nick Griffin and Susan Boyle got in common? They both hate diversity.

BoredofitallJune 11th 2009.

Do me a favour Anon, how am I the baddie for not wanting hordes of scallys congregating on my doorstep? I'm sure it would be a different story if it was your backyard or maybe you are one of the scallys that's looking forward to another sanctuary! I'm not the only one annoyed about this believe me.

GJune 11th 2009.

Anon - I honestly don't think I've ever seen a pram in Unicorn and I shop there every week, if not more often!

AnonymousJune 11th 2009.

What's this, the DNP? So you were born in the centre of Didsbury then or have you gone so far up your own arse you can see daylight?

the gunJune 11th 2009.

Boredofitall unless you live within 50 ft of the clock tower you've no right to complain at all, and it's worth remembering that wetherspoons do sell the passable 'Villa Maria Sauvignon Blanc' for a reasonable £9.50 as opposed to the £25 quid you'd normally pay in a pub.

DidsburyGirlJune 11th 2009.

Oh No! Not a wetherspoons in Didsbury village! What fun a saturday night there will be now, of course thats compared to incredibly classy night already offered there at the hogs head and varsity.

HelenJune 11th 2009.

The pushchair fascists give you the dirtiest looks if you say "excuse me" and ask to get past, as if to say "you can bloody well wait until he's walking before you can get to the next aisle".Of course I'll probably change my tune once I start breeding and get in with the keeping-up-with-the-Joneses pram-insanity.

MsBoobyJune 11th 2009.

Boredofitall, with you all the way, I live opposite the Police Station, the amount of drama that happens at the weekend now is unreal, mostly from the scallys that have claimed the patch. You don't want to go into West because there seems to be a massive amount of pretentiousness so you just stay home and watch Sky Plussed episodes of Masterchef with a bottle of Rosso. Poop!

CasJune 11th 2009.

I don't think it's tongue in cheek at all, more head up own arse like anon said! ;)

BoredofitallJune 11th 2009.

Actually East Lancs, the D&P is not run by a chain, it's run by a lovely couple called Mick and Jo who bought the lease for it when it was last up for sale. They don't run any other Pubs, just that one. Believe me, I'm a very regular, regular and on very good terms with these guys.The best thing about the Clock Tower closing was the loss of the scallys but then they made a Varsity happen...and a Hog's Head. It just get's progressively worse.And it's not a case of Indi venues, it's more a case of there is way too much riff raff at the weekends in Didsbury, the residents do not want to extend an open invitation to anymore, is that unfair? Whats the point in paying over inflated council tax rates for this area? Didsbury Village is slowly but surely turning into Withington. Oh the horror.

WayneJune 11th 2009.

Chorlton's full of yummy mummies with big prams today. They definitely do need a pram lane.

BoredofitallJune 11th 2009.

I'll thank you to know that I am not one of those that lives in Parrs Wood or 3 miles down Fog Lane having a pop, I live opposit Marks and Spencer!!! Think I am WELL within my right to sound off about this.I'm just soo annoyed, like it isn't bad enough with the scum of the suburbs hanging around, now they have another excuse. And love, unless you're a student or an ale drinker, there ain't nothing good about Wetherspoons. FACT.

Exclamation!!!!June 11th 2009.

Oh my word, Wetherspoons in Cloneville, sorry I mean Didsbury? Talk about another chain arriving in the 'village' is one way to upset the people of Didsbury aka The Village People.

AnonymousJune 11th 2009.

There are of course other press conferences that take place each week just outside Manchester, at which only media outlets that report favourably are allowed in - none other than those conducted by everyone's favourite alcoholic Knight, Slur Alex Ferguson.Now, I wouldn't compare MUFC to the BNP... although I do understand that they're on the look-out for a right-winger...

ParkingJune 11th 2009.

Yup, it must have been difficult to find out the source of those minis considering the advertising Park Inn are getting on the site. The place gets more and more like a weekly freesheet every, uhrr, week.

M30June 11th 2009.

I suspect Boredofitall's comments are said tongue in cheek, but if they're not, then I'm astounded at the level of hostility towards Wetherspoons. They are fantastic at what they do, and I echo the gun - their Villa Maria at under a tenner is fantastic, the same wine costs over £25 in All Bar One, and there's less pretention in the Waterhouse than there is in All Bar One. Why live in the centre of a city or in the heart of a suburb if you're bothered about pubs etc? If things like that bother you then go and live in the middle of Wales. If you don't want a Tesco where you live, I believe that there's none in Mogadishu. The weather there is currently 34 degrees.

AnonymousJune 11th 2009.

These places seem to do well, so they open more. Perhaps your local area just isn't the quaint village you think but really studentville? And to insinuate that Hogs Head & Wetherspoon customers are scallys, as is anyone who disagress with you - is up your own arse!

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