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Sleuth 12/08/2011

Major new public artwork for Manchester, library porn and Britney Spear's nipples

Published on August 11th 2011.


Sleuth 12/08/2011

Sleuth
Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week, it's the truth, but Sleuth's truth. We give £25 for every story/rumour and piece of absurdity you find for us to print. We ask for the money back if any legal action follows.
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Sleuth’s Major New Public Art Launched

Wednesday witnessed the launch of a major new piece of public art on Deansgate.

Massive Police security surrounded the work which is constructed of finest chipboard (14 carat sawdust).

Piss-artist Brendan O’Riotie, of Salford Shopping City, said. “It took a number of different chipboard panels with various textures to create this piece that explores the power of a brick thrown at high velocity. I took about seven hours to create it and about an hour extra to take some Uggs, Diesel jeans and bottles of cava out of various shops without paying for them or even using the door.”

The title of the piece is Board Shitless.

It holds a secret as well. As with an iceberg, most of the structure is out of sight.

Hidden underneath this new and spectacular urban masterpiece is a huge bloody restaurant, tables, chairs, cocktail bar, Tim Bacon, staff, everything.

Img_1116

Sleuth ‘There is no North-South divide’

Sleuth was talking to Eric Pickled, the Conservative Minister for Communities and Pies the day after the riot. “It proves what we in the Conservative Party have said all along,” said Mr Pickles spitting crumbs all over Sleuth, "There is no north south divide in this country. We’ve got numbers of feckless youth everywhere. At least in troubled times these youths are prepared to get on their bikes and go and seek out opportunities to...er...smash windows and steal labels.” Mr Addled is too big to fit into Australasia but wants the police service cut.

 

Sleuth's Lucky Escape Of The Week
 

On the night of the riot Confidential was out in force. This was the story we produced - click here. And here's a story worth repeating of how humour can save the day. One of our writers saw about twenty lads breaking into High and Mighty. They'd failed to get into Bang and Olufsson next door. There was a big lad - the boss of the gang - of about 35 sat laughing against a lamppost. 

"Look lads," he said, "He's taking pictures, sort the fucker." Our man was surrounded by fourteen lads.

 

"Give us your camera, you twat," they said. Things looked bad.

"I couldn't believe that lads as good looking and slim as you were breaking into High and Mighty" our correspondent said.

Pause.

Laughter. 

Just for once, humour won out and they let him go.

 

Sleuth’s Name Of The Week

This is Greater Manchester Police’s Assistant Chief Constable. His name is Terry Sweeney. Some people may have heard of the 1970s cop series which took its name from Cockney rhyming slang, Sweeney Todd - Flying Squad. If only we'd had Jack Regan and George Carter when you need them. And Gene Hunt, but we can't think of any rhyming slang for him.

Sleuth Finds Central Library Stocks Porn

Sleuth was in the Central Library the other day when he came across this kiln filth. It's hot stuff....then it cools and hardens.

Img_2863

Sleuth’s Name Of The Week Part Two

Here’s a Manchester success story. Sale-based Michelle McKenna, known as Clippy, and her partner Paul Gorman, have developed a range of six apple conserves including Apple Pie, Apple and Figgy Diggy and Apple and Blueberry for their company Clippy’s Apples. Tesco are now stocking the jams in 800 stores. So why is McKenna known as Clippy? This apparently comes ‘from her love of hairclips’. Interesting idea. Sleuth loves the film Apocalypse Now and grows chives, maybe he'll start a company called Apocalypse Chives.

Sleuth’s misspelt job title of the week

Sleuth got an email from a chef who will remain nameless, extolling his virtues, qualifications and asking for a nice profile to be written up. In amongst the work record was his time as a commis chef at a posh London Hotel. Only he’d spelt it  ‘commie’ chef. Bolshevik bacon, Soviet sausages for breakfast comrades? Still Sleuth admires a man who makes an ideology of his job. A bit like Terry Deary.

Terry Deary And Horrible History Teachers  - Why Most Schools Should Be Closed Down

Schofield, the editor, was interviewing the avuncular Terry Deary, the author of the Horrible History books. His works are being adapted for a November production at the Opera House. Schofield thought he was in for a gentle, understated childrens' book writer sort of conversation. Instead he got a full-on blast of left-wing dialectic claiming all historians are dreadful twisters of facts.

Deary, who burns with anger over ‘unearned privilege’ and railed against the 'lazy middle-class', said at one point, “Most schools should be closed down because of the way they teach history. The history teachers in them are liars, lazy idiots who can’t be bothered making their own interpretation but just repeat lies told before.”

Crikey, thinks Sleuth wondering how many of the 'lazy middle-class' buy his books.

The full interview will be up on Confidential soon.

Sleuth And Britney Spears' Nipples

The new placement person at Manchester Confidential has had a variety of writing roles. A while ago she did a placement with Sports Newspapers based in Ancoats. Her strangest assignment? “We need eight paragraphs on Britney Spears’ nipples by noon.” She managed it. Sleuth still has no idea how.

Britney-Spears-1Britney Spears hears placement person in Manchester is after her nipples


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18 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

Hero
Andrew SpinozaAugust 12th 2011.

What are they teaching 'em at school these days? Reading, rioting and arithmetic?

1 Response: Reply To This...
Lauren LewisAugust 12th 2011.

haha Brilliant - yet disturbingly almost true...

Brian SewellAugust 12th 2011.

That new artwork actually has more merit than most public art put up in this city in the last three decades.

Chris PaulAugust 12th 2011.

Yes Brian, you have to go back to Stringer's Obelisk to match the poetry of this one ..

AnonymousAugust 12th 2011.

Communist leader Hoh Chi Minh and his top general were both ex-chefs.

Hero
John NuttallAugust 12th 2011.

Don't laugh too hard at the chef's bad spelling, unless, of course, the looters have made off with the apostrophe in your headline

1 Response: Reply To This...
AnonymousAugust 12th 2011.

Brilliant observation!

SmittyAugust 12th 2011.

It's been a busy week for many of us. A lie in tomorrow and... I Predict a Fry-Up. *backs away from the pun of shame*

SleuthAugust 15th 2011.

Good one John, Britney's nipples are now clearly possessed by her. We've changed it. As for Anon - 'brilliant observation' might be pushing it. In any case Sleuth was distracted by his subject matter while writing the little story.

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