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Sleuth 05/09/2008

Confidential sold to Arabs for £500m, Confidential to bid for Guardian Media Group, cycling in the buff, Juniper to re-open

Published on September 5th 2008.

Sleuth 05/09/2008

Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week. We give £25 for every story/rumour and piece of absurdity you find for us to print. We ask for the money back if any legal action follows.

Manchester Confidential sold to Arabs
Following the sale of Manchester City to representatives of Abu Dhabi royalty, Sleuth can reveal that another prominent figure of the United Arab Emirates, Prince Abdul Jus Bin-Hayd has placed a bid to buy Manchester Confidential for £500 million.“We really feel this is the time to invest in the city’s most progressive and interesting media group. An initial payment of £200m will be used to pay off Gordo’s food expenses.”

Manchester Confidential bids for Guardian Media Group
Given this good fortune Sleuth has held talks with representatives to make an early bid for the Guardian Media Group Regional. Prince Jus Bin-Hayd said, “I can see where Sleuth’s coming from. We’d really shake up the organisation and start by giving the paper away for free...what? Is it? Already. Anyway we’ve lined up Kevin Keegan as the new editor, he’s used to decisions being made from above. We also want to buy the rights for Channel Erm so it can be up there internationally with BBC News 24 and CNN in hotel rooms across the globe. We feel it’s important that the world has regular live feeds from Longsight about till robberies, and news flashes from Royton and elsewhere about terrible planning permission mistakes.”

Manchester man shocked by return of ‘cremated’ loved one
A Manchester man has told Confidential of his deep shock about the sudden revival of a prominent city figure. “Just five weeks ago I witnessed the cremation of Manchester City’s hopes when Thaksin Shinawatra had to run from Thai justice. Then I suddenly saw the club live on TV being revived by a man I’d never heard of with loads of money. I’ve been down at Eastlands ever since, talking about the old times.” Manchester City has apologised for the mistake: “These things happen because we'll sell out to anybody. It was worse before Thaksin as well, when we disappeared for over three decades.”

Sleuth’s best pub rumour
Kevin Keegan has left the Newcastle job so he can replace Mark Hughes at Manchester City.

Naked cycling at the Velodrome
Sleuth is off to the velodrome today. The bosses there want him to jump on a bike and see what it will be like for the triumphant returning British athletes at Track Cycling World Cup from 31 October to 2 November. He got a message from Richard Trumann, the marketing manager, which read: ‘We will provide a bike, helmet and shoes - but can you please let me know your height or inside leg measurement so that they have the correct sized bike for you. You will also need to bring clothes and a towel.’ Clothes? Thanks for that Richard. Sleuth wonders if they've had an incident in the past. Do people turn up naked?

Some Mancunians on the way to the velodrome

Reverse customer service
Sleuth loves the new Hydes Brewery customer service policy. This is called reverse customer service in which you curse guests and then compliment them on the way out. Sleuth popped into the Grey Horse, the little Portland Street pub, the other evening for a sneaky pint. He ordered a drink and gave the elderly bar lady his money. Gordo arrived and Sleuth asked for another pint. The lady, half way through putting the money in the till, looked annoyed. "Was that a problem?" asked Sleuth. "No, but it was just shit," said the bar lady. As Sleuth left the pub, our heroine was stood smoking by the door, she clapped him on the back, "lovely to see you, hurry back," she said cheerily. You just can’t teach skills, like that. Sleuth noted this sign by the door of the pub. Traditional welcome. Eh?

Sleuth’s Best Foolish Moment of the Year
As splashed on the front page of the MEN this week property tycoon, Wayne Mellor, well known in this parish, has been ordered to do community service. This follows a spat which led him to brick the house of well-connected and well-known lawyer, Martin Coyne. Well done Wayne, says Sleuth, good idea. Sleuth hopes that the new Chief Constable, Peter Fahey, never crosses the follically challenged businessmen. Apparently Fahey's pretty well-connected with the law as well.

Juniper to re-open
Sleuth has good news about Juniper in Altrincham which disappeared from the Good Food Guide’s Top 40 this time round due to the departure of its long time chef Paul Kitching. It’s been taken over by Swiss chef Michael Riemenschneider who has built up a reputation in Cornwall for tip-top excellence. He’ll re-open the restaurant later this month and says, “We will be cooking Michelin standard cuisine.” Sleuth can’t wait.

Heat in the Kitching
Michael Riemenschneider is taking over at Juniper from Paul Kitching of course, the Michelin gathering Geordie chef, who has returned home to take over the management of Newcastle United. Or something like that. Paul had eccentric ways. Sleuth remembers a photo session for the late lamented City Life magazine with photographer Nathan Cox. Cox was taking photos of the chef outside the restaurant. Whenever he turned to check the camera and the lighting Kitching dropped his chef whites and showed his arse to the rest of us. Odd. He then told Sleuth, “the children round here think I cook kids. I told a couple who were messing out the back that that’s what I did with bad ones, and the rumour spread. Still it prevents trouble, you know.”

Sleuth best restaurateur name competition
Michael Riemenschneider is quite a name. Sleuth’s starting a competition to see which restaurateur has the most difficult moniker for the arrogant non-foreigner speaking British. At the moment Atcharaporn Kaewkraikhot, the proprietor of Chaophraya, is winning hands down.

Education bosses burn books
Idiots, imbeciles and fools at the AQA examination board have asked schools to destroy a poetry anthology containing a work by Manchester based poet Carol Ann Duffy because it refers to a knife. Duffy tipped for the Poet Laureate job next time around wrote the poem 20 years ago which is anti-violence and pro-education. Sleuth wonders if AQA are saying that burning books will make the knife problem go away. Sleuth also wonders how many complaints were actually made about the poem. Well, three in total. Two referred to knife crime and a third to a description of a goldfish being flushed down the toilet. The first complaint about knives was made in 2004. The second was made this summer by an exams officer, and was then taken up by an MP. Sleuth has done a little sum, it goes, AQA + panic = Idiots. Manchester writer Andrew Biswell, and a buddy of Duffy, told Sleuth, “I texted Carol about it. Said it was a bit of a bugger about schools studying Shakespeare then. There’s a flagrant act of knife crime by that hoodie Macbeth in one play.”

Two dangerous hoodies (pre-hoods)

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10 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

keith bestSeptember 5th 2008.

if i've said it once...

Ali McGowanSeptember 5th 2008.

I have to say that today's article had me in stitches, thanks Sleuth :D

Keith BestSeptember 5th 2008.

"Colonel Gaddafi to buy Stockport County""Arabs to buy ManCon""ManCon to buy GMG"YawnAll the bestKeith Best

It's nice to be important but it's more important to be niceSeptember 5th 2008.

I know the elderly barmaid in question and she's superb!A sweet old lady with a mouth like Chubby Brown

CarlosTheJackalSeptember 5th 2008.

Where did Sleuth find that picture of Brian Blessed? The man's quality.

My Ding-a-LingSeptember 5th 2008.

I say "yeah, yeah, that's what I say". I agree with Johnny BeGood. More wekks!

Dr QiSeptember 5th 2008.

That's given me a right tickle :-DCheers Sleuth!

Johnny BegoodSeptember 5th 2008.

I like it when Man Con goes down this path. More satire please. is two or three times a wekk too much?

Keith BestSeptember 5th 2008.

"Colonel Gaddafi to buy Stockport County""Arabs to buy ManCon""ManCon to buy GMG"YawnAll the bestKeith Best

crazyjohnSeptember 5th 2008.

With regards to the naked cycling, I can supply my own helmet huhuhuhu

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