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Sleuth 02/03/2012

Joe Akka jailed again, sleeping wisdom, entering into a tight hole, mad correspondence, and the Inane Tweet Of The Week

Published on March 1st 2012.

Sleuth 02/03/2012

SleuthSleuthSleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week, it's the truth, but Sleuth's truth. He's several people all at once. We give £25 for every story/rumour and piece of absurdity you find for us to publish. Sleuth sometimes even gets serious. We ask for the money back if any legal action follows. Follow Sleuth on twitter @Sleuth

‘The Oxford English Akka Edition’ - Sleuth’s Dictionary Of Bar Management 

Panacea (noun): remedy for all ailments, a cure-all. Also bars in Manchester and Salford with jailed boss. See also: ‘To do an Akka’; a) to attack a customer, b) to pretend you weren’t in your own car while jumping lights, c) to go to prison. 

Joe AkkaJoe AkkaSleuth can’t help think that the name Panacea has a curious poignancy given the sins of Joe Akka. Wonder if he ever regrets choosing the name?

There’s been nothing cure-all about it for the man. First in 2007 he was jailed for 13 months for a ‘cowardly’ attack on Wayne Docksey, an attack that led to brain damage and a fractured skull. Now he has been jailed for three months for lying about jumping a red light on Princess Parkway and employing the dubious services of Colin Lowndes, 'the speeding-ticket fraudster', to pretend there was someone else driving the car. 

On release Sleuth reckons Akka should re-name his bars. Maybe Calamity Joes. Makes more sense. 

Sleuth’s Inane Tweet Of The Week

To the gentleman who wrote, ‘It’s been a very busy afternoon, not had time for any twitter, are we all ok?’ the answer is ‘We can honestly say we didn’t miss you’. You know who you are. 

Sleuth’s Crazed Letter Of The Week

Sleuth loved this crazy missive Confidential received anonymously. We thought it was a death threat at first. Hand-delivered, it obviously came from the Priesthood of the Apostrophe Zealots. Nutters in otherwords. The person or persons involved could have just rung us up, had a chat. Confidential meanwhile objects to the gratuitous use of exclamation mark's. So childish. Like kids texting each other stuff. (Yes, Sleuth knows there’s a misplaced apostrophe in amongst this paragraph.) 

We are so very sorryWe are so very sorry

Sleuth Jumps Into The Falling Anus Of Trafford Park

There’s going to be a fuller story about this on Monday on Confidential because it is tremendously good fun. Chillfactore has developed the ‘Avalanche’ - an experience that involves being strapped into a big inflatable ball with a chum and hurtling 30mph down the main ski slope, with 4G of force applied, before slamming against the ‘monster catcher’ at the bottom and ending up in a curious position waiting for rescue. The first run opens to the public on March 6. Sleuth’s done it and can assure readers it’s wonderful. The only really odd thing is getting in and out from the anus like aperture in the ‘ball’.

Buttock-clenching rideButtock-clenching ride


Apology. And Winnie the Pooh

Sleuth would like to apologise for the over-use of the word ‘anus’ in the above story. Another comparison would be with the Winnie the Pooh story where Pooh eats too much and gets stuck in Rabbit’s warren-hole. This is what Sleuth felt like both getting in and out of the Avalanche ball. Oh bother. He felt like Pooh. 

Sleuth’s Students Of The Week

Sleuth is a man of high-culture. So one lunchtime this week he went for a walk to clear his head and ended up viewing the temporary exhibitions in John Rylands Library.

In the distance he could hear an old lady complaining: “Honestly, they’ve no respect, probably can’t cope with real books what with all their Playtops and Lapstations.”

Sleuth investigated and found a party of old folk from Bolton staring at the pair of youths pictured below (and above).

“Gentlefolk,” quoth Sleuth sotto voce, “I’m sure these fine young men have simply been overcome with the wisdom of the ages so well represented in this splendid building, and are but resting their eyes before renewing their studies.”

At that moment the boy on the left started to lightly snore.

The John Rylands Library HotelThe John Rylands Library Hotel

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8 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

SmittyMarch 2nd 2012.

The students are clearly suffering from Stendhal Syndrome, god love 'em.

CheesmanMarch 2nd 2012.

Akka: you couldn't make it up

Ball-curiousMarch 2nd 2012.

Nice bouncy ball that, would love to have a go.

SleuthMarch 2nd 2012.

Sleuth's learnt something there from Smitty. Sleuth loves this. 'Stendhal Syndrome or 'Florence syndrome' is a psychosomatic illness that causes rapid heartbeat, dizziness, fainting, confusion and even hallucinations when an individual is exposed to art, usually when the art is particularly beautiful or a large amount of art is in a single place. The term can also be used to describe a similar reaction to a surfeit of choice in other circumstances, e.g. when confronted with immense beauty in the natural world.' Thanks Wikipedia. And Smitty.

DroopyMarch 5th 2012.

Seeing the sleeping students on Monday morning makes me want to snooze as well zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

JohnthebriefMarch 5th 2012.

Censorship Mancon? Really?

1 Response: Reply To This...
Jonathan SchofieldMarch 8th 2012.

John you were advocating the commission of a crime.

Calum McGMarch 12th 2012.

You're apostrophe's articles' well funny as its' made my day. Fanx!

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