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Rants of the week

The last seven days of the funny, the mad and the meaningful from our readers

Published on July 18th 2008.

Rants of the week

Some of the comments have been edited for space or grammatical reasons.

Best irrational hate of the week

Story: Dispatches on sandwiches. Nicola Mostyn’s article on documentary’s revelations about ‘posh’ prepared sandwiches led readers on an odd hate campaign. One which Confidential wholly endorses. It truly is the great issue of our time.

David Calder says: Love the quote, ‘a good sandwich to eat prior to a session in the gym.’ That’s a brilliant piece of crap from Pret (a Manger). Brilliant from this writer too, keep it up Confidential. Seriously though, we need a Hate Mayonnaise Campaign. I choke on the stuff....forever.

Clive B says: You're right David, it's the mayonnaise. I had a sandwich from Marks and Spencer recently which claimed to have chicken in it but all I could find was mayonnaise on mayonnaise. I nearly drowned in the white sticky substance. Not the way I want to go.

ancoatsboyaloud says: Totally agree on the anti-mayo campaign. I can't stand the stuff and don't know why it's on practically EVERY sandwich/wrap/salad in existence, I do love Boots it's such a good deal but drives me insane that I can't have most things because of the mayo. It's so lazy and ridiculous. And don't get me started on burgers in restaurants that put it on even when they don't list it! Arrrghghghhghgg.

Best puns of the week

Story: Fish riots hit Didsbury. These comments went on at long length and built up into something very funny. These are just two of them.

Anonymous says: I heard that the restaurant has had to delay their plans of having live music in the evenings. Apparently they're looking for a piano tuna.

Angela says: It's quite a dressy plaice this so remember girls, fish nets always look better with 'eels.

Best shopping rage of the week

Story: Tesco wins Chorlton War. Tesco gets permission for a Tesco Express in Chorlton, the world divides between those who think Tesco is a vile aggressive monster and those who really don’t care.

Bridget says: I think this is disgusting. I don't think I've ever known an area that supports as many independent, ethical retailers as Chorlton, and I sadly fear that it WILL affect the likes of the Barbakan, Unicorn etc. To move in during a period of economic concern for many of these businesses is throttling the very heart of the area. I hope the people of Chorlton make a stand and refuse to use this shop.

jk says: Get a grip anti-Tesco whingers. If as you all state the community doesn't want a Tesco, then there will no problem, as when no-one shops there it will soon become unprofitable and will close. Or, you will find that you are in a militant minority who are trying to impose your will on the will of others by shouting loudest and the shop will do well and remain open for some time.

Best row about TV review rants

Story: The Secret Millionaire. This was where our writer Nicola Mostyn had a sideways look at the programme which parachutes millionaires, in this case James Benamor, into troubled areas of the land.

Anonymous says: Having just read Nicola's cynical review of the programme however, I'm wondering if we actually watched the same thing? The bottom line is that James Benamore was able to donate valuable funds into three vital community lifeline projects within Greater Manchester. It's irrelevant that he runs a (legal) finance company or that he was once a former 'bad lad'. Without his donations and commitment to finding out in his own style (business like or not) about the projects, none would have received additional funding. Nicola's article ignored that Benamore also promised 'the ginger lad' (Aden) and his colleagues fully paid youth experience placements if they achieved just 1 GCSE pass. Let's hope they all manage to achieve that aim. You never know - maybe one or two of them might turn into journalists who write balanced television documentary reviews.

EW says: Oh, get over yourselves... Nicola's writing is fantastic. It's erudite and funny. Plus, Nicola's review does touch on the more sentimental and heartwarming side to the programme. At the end of the day, it's only feckin telly... .

Best axe to grind rants

Story: Graham Stringer on Drugs. In which the MP for Blackley, ponders the present inadequate legislation and also current drug usage.

Politicians with Balls Required says: The party which grows a set of balls and legalises all drugs will be responsible for the following. 1. The collapse of international crime. 2. The collapse of burglaries. 3. The collapse of street muggings. 4. The collapse of anti-social behaviour on the streets. 5. The NHS being able to put more people on life saving drugs. Sounds like they would get in for a second term. But, a bit late to save my granny from having all her teeth kicked down her throat at eighty years of age by a smackhead looking for a five quid fix.”

Trevor Armstrong says: I was at a house/dinner party the other day with about 12 people. Half were openly on coke and therefore constituted a separate party. It's dull, really dull, and bad manners and rude. And desparate. Like an idiot, pissed off as I was, I tried to point out the misery cocaine production caused in the countries that produce. Of course I was laughed at. Yet that same night we'd talked about the environment and social justice in the UK. ****ing hypocrites. Touchy feelie on one side, couldn't give a **** on the other.

Best shameless plug of the week Story: Secondhand record shops. Sean Smith takes a tour around some Manchester record shops but misses one out and gets told off – probably by the owner. Then another ranter outlines an unusual shopping trip. Finally Burgess makes a very sensible point.

clarkster says: Pah! What - did you just stroll round Oldham Street? You missed the premier rock-indie-punk-new/wave-funk-soul-disco store Clampdown on Paton Street for all new and used CD's,DVD's and the best Vinyl selection in the city! www.clampdownrecords.com info@clampdownrecords.com

Shearer9uk says: Yeah as Mick Ferry says Clampdown’s great. Buy a record, get your hair cut next door, buy some porn next door, and then buy a pasty at Greggs.. Some quality Mancunian rarities in there too.. Liam’s Knebworth denim jacket is awesome.

A Burgess says: Forget secondhand record shops. What about secondhand book shops? There isn't a decent one in the whole city centre...it's embarassing for a city like Manchester.

Best assumed name comment

Story: Cafe Istanbul review. Joe Stretch bumps into Jeremy Paxman twice and feels he wants to gently hold a sensitive part of the latter’s body. He appreciates the food too. Meanwhile loads of readers assume newsreader/current affairs presenter personas. Gavin’s the best though.

Gavin Esler says: Paxman this and bloody Paxman that. Work-shy show off. It's me that puts the hard graft in week after week whilst he swans around the North's finest eateries having his nads cupped by the great and the good. It’s enough to make my blood boil, it really is.

The most curious pseudonym from a ranter

Story: Cafe Istanbul again. And the award goes to a man (we assume) who likes to be called Quality Y Fronts. Er...why? What train of thought led him to this name? Was it the last words of dear departed girlfriend who trying to be kind whilst finishing with him could only find one nice sentiment to express, “well, I suppose you did have some quality Y fronts”. Or maybe he’d just been to M&S. Either way we know the name of some good psychiatrists.

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