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Gordo’s Bits and Bobs

Sleuth's away: Gordo spots a terrorist at the Circle Club and shares the week's gastronomic gossip

Written by . Published on August 21st 2009.

Gordo’s Bits and Bobs

Aiden Byrne Expanding?
Gordo has heard that Aiden Byrne, chef-proprietor of The Church Green in Lymm and the youngest chef ever to win a Michelin star, is rumoured to be buying the White House in Prestbury. If he does, he should lock up his store room at the back. Many years ago when Gordo was a teenager living in Prestbury, after a good weed bashing session, he and his mates would regularly raid the unlocked store for sacks of spuds which would be transformed into mountains of chips. Those chips were magic.

Another strange fact is that this was the place where Gordo first tasted Duck a l’Orange and red Burgundy. He ate and drank so much at the age of fifteen, that he threw up over the back of his dad’s trousers on the way home. Not something that you needed to be doing with Shady, who often used the boot of his Bentley to help debtors see the errors of their ways when hiding from him.Finally, did Gordo mention Jackie Haughton? Well, Aiden, for a packet of Benson’s you could get her bra off round the back off the gaff. That should put the price of the place up a few dollars. Happy days.

John ‘the fisherman’ Locke
Gordo bumps into John Locke lurking about Piccadilly Gardens outside Gordo’s personal sandwich maker, Pret. Owner of the cult pub The Northern on Tib Street, John is always a good bet for some gossip. However, this time John wanted to show Gordo a picture of the latest love in his life - a Staffordshire bull terrier going by the cute name of ‘Storm’. Funny how dogs and their owners look alike, isn’t it?

The Black Dog Ballroom.
Jobe Ferguson, owner of the highly rated Northern Quarter Restaurant and Bar and Ross McKenzie, owner of the mentalist nightclub The Purple Pussycat, make an unlikely pairing. They are working together on a new New York-style club called The Black Dog Ballroom. Ross likes colours, it seems. The rather stylish looking club is due to open in November.

Yesterday, Gordo called Jobe for information. He answered to tell Gordo that he couldn’t talk as he was “at silly mid off in a cricket match” and would call him “at tea”. Some time previously, on another phone conversation, Ross, a fan of all things Greek and the odd catamite, told Gordo: “Can’t speak now dear, I’m getting sticky down in tinsel town”. Oooer.

The Black Dog Ballroom is rumoured not to be named after Churchill’s depressions after all, but Ross’s underpants. It has been designed by Judge Gill, for those who are interested in these things.

Dish and Terrorist of the Week
Gordo was having a walkabout last night, finishing up at Kitchen, the restaurant attached to the Circle club. Owner David Mallon was not in evidence, which is just as well as it means that you can have your dinner in peace without being surrounded by the anti-terrorist branch of MI5. Mr Mallon, as anyone who knows him can attest to, loves a bit of fancy dress. So much so that the current look is sported all the time. It’s best described as ‘shabby terrorist’. He spends a lot of his time at border control.

However, the one thing he is good at is attracting, and keeping good staff, evidenced by resident head chef, Neil Lorenzo. Neil can cook. Oxtail Pudding with Sage Mash is Gordo’s tip (£10.50), as it is a little bit of magic on a plate. It’s a nice space to have a drink in as well, although standing next to a male model, in the loo, him stripped to the waist with his rather intimidating todger out, and a set of wings strapped to his back could be a little disconcerting for any diners from the shires.

Arkwright, Master Hotelier
Gordo took a couple of the Confidential crew into Abode Hotel for a quick bite at lunch earlier in the week. He had previously tackled the remarkable mixed grill (£19.50). Stephen Gee, Gordo’s parsimonious pal and manager of the hotel, known in the industry as Arkwright after the corner shop keeper who couldn’t grasp the concept of lost (or loss) leaders, came over for a coffee.

'Can’t afford to spend any money with Manchester Confidential Gordo, I much prefer to concentrate my budget on RestaurantsofTodmorden.ussr and their fifty six readers. I mean, it’s fantastic value at £1.16p a week. And they give me the readers' email addresses’.

Gordo was thinking that he preferred the Confidential model of never, ever selling or renting his readers' addresses. On the way out, Confidential's Sales Director, Yousaf, was muttering under his breath.

“What’s up with you”, asks Gordo.

“He is either a genius or a lunatic. I have just paid £8.50 for six slices of tomato and a piece of pastry that were put in an oven for five minutes.”

Yousaf walked back to Confidential Towers shaking his head, speechless for the rest of the afternoon.

However, the mixed grill narrowly missed Dish of the Week, so we publish the picture here. Mind you, the Koffee Pot do a good one as well at £4.50.

Mulberry Sales Tactics
Gordo receives the new Mulberry catalogue this morning. They mustn’t know he is currently skint. However, leafing through it he realises that Mulberry’s marketing team are definitely female. This is deduced from the fact that the models chosen have been kidnapped from The Priory’s anorexia division. When they got them back to the handbag shoot, they stuck them in the electric plug sockets to freshen them up a bit. But girls, bear in mind that there is not one red blooded male in the country who thinks these models are worth a good shag. Sex Sells. Starvation doesn’t.

Follow Gordo on twitter GordoManchester

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26 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

Beefy StewAugust 21st 2009.

You're still a pair of ugly fu*kers John..

AnonymousAugust 21st 2009.

Great to see the return of Gordo's bits n bobs; I'm stuck out in the absolute middle of nowhere at present feeling homesick and sorry for myself and this has made me smile. Thanks, Gordo!

johnthebriefAugust 21st 2009.

beard does = islam = terrorist. I read it in the Sun, so it must be true

JimAugust 21st 2009.

Gordo of the 70's doesn't half look like this dude I know called Scott O'Neil

manchesterfoodieAugust 21st 2009.

hopefully, might make up for the loss of Juniper. It's in the right area so fingers crossed!!

CasAugust 21st 2009.

'next time I a female go into a resturant other diners will look at me and see me a terrorist' - why have you a beard too?Lighten up for Christs, sorry, Allah's sake!

JayneyBabyAugust 21st 2009.

It's a marketing tactic Furry. In a shop, you put the sugar on at below cost, it brings the customers in and they like everything else, so they start going to that shop regularly.It gets people away from your competitors and into your place. So whatever you lose on the sugar, you call it marketing becuase in the long term you make your profit and you get shoppers in who wouldn't have come in the first place. Can you tell what I do for a living?

OAugust 21st 2009.

do you pack sugar in bags on a factory line?

GordoAugust 21st 2009.

Thanks for that ManFoodie, I shall investigate further. That restuarant has the possibilty of being a one star as it happens.

johnthebriefAugust 21st 2009.

I must be turning into an old fogey, but I think this fashion for serving meals on bread boards is just stupid. Stuff rolls off, goes cold wtc - what's wrong with a fecking plate?

Furry HatAugust 21st 2009.

whats a loss leader?

Hieronymous BiffAugust 21st 2009.

Insomnia therapist?

sarah ahmedAugust 21st 2009.

I really dont like u at any more. I have been to every resturant u have recommended and regularly used u as a reference. Beard does not = Islam = terrorism. I might never go on ur website again. I am seriuosly offended by ur remarks. I will tell every muslim I know about this colum and what u said. Please withdraw ur comment, muslims in fact love peace, tolerence we are taught to respect each other and the actions of a few others have now protrayed us all in a bad light. Please use your influnces poitvley. We are not terrorists, please, please , please withdraw ur remark, your remark has gone on-line next time I a female go into a resturant other diners will look at me and see me a terrorist. My dad and brothers have beards, they work long and hard as does the rest of the nation to provide for us, they are not terrorist. Men with beards who fallow islam to the letter are not terrorists. They are fathers, brothers and husbands if you see them in a resturant with thier families please dont be scared we are just having dinner. None of us have a criminal record or any intrest in any form of harming anybody. Thanks for reading my reply.

Beefy StewAugust 21st 2009.

Anonymous, it's Gordo's sense of un-PC humour, which will have been egged on by Yousaf Mehnga, his sidekick.

manchesterfoodieAugust 21st 2009.

Gordo, Aiden's already bought the White House, opening November time touch wood.

GezzabelleAugust 21st 2009.

I meant beard!

John S. LockeAugust 21st 2009.

I am pleased to see Gordo keeps up to his usual standard of factual correctness...I am actually now the proud owner of an 'English Bull Terrier' not a 'Staffordshire'...Mine is the type that Bill Sikes had in Oliver the musical ....That doesn't mean I've taken up burglary or kidnapping - but it was nice for the new female in my life to get a mention Gordo you sweetheart you! Lol!...C'mere Bullseye!!!!!!

John S. LockeAugust 21st 2009.

Kiss my beea -u -tiful backside Beefy Stew - or maybe me mutts?

AnonymousAugust 21st 2009.

WTF is with the islamaphobia... if beards = Islam..The jews better watch out aswell....infact everyone with beards should hibernate... Not impressed

JohnAugust 21st 2009.

Just a correction, Gordo, the website your pal, Stephen Gee uses is restaurantoftodmorden.ussr not restaurants, we only have the one

CraigAugust 21st 2009.

Gezzabelle, have you got a stutter?

AnonymousAugust 21st 2009.

Just wondering why beard=Islam=terrorist.

DidsburyGirlAugust 21st 2009.

I dont like the look of that mixed grill. It looks too clean. And like it would go cold really quickly.

GezzabelleAugust 21st 2009.

Good to see Gordo's Bits N Bobs. I've missed it. WTF is up with the Mallanators bread????

Beefy StewAugust 21st 2009.

Anon, deffo not your home here if you are on eof those softy chorlton lefties who take offence at post modern un-pc stuff. Have you read Gordo? Get off to the Gaurdianunlimited.com, you will find nothing to offend.

JeffAugust 21st 2009.

Gordon Riggs in Tod Moron , what a God forsaking place . Used to do a cracking brew with a stale curling buttie . Happy childhood memories ...not

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