Exclusive: Money given to banks, we learn how

Sleuth, Manchester Confidential’s man in the know, has through various nefarious and untoward means managed to get a transcript of the call between Sir Fred Goodwin, chief executive of RBS and NatWest, and a grey man in a grey suit in the Treasury. This is how it went.

Sir Fred Goodwin (SFG) Hello is that the Treasury?

Grey man in a grey suit (GMGS) It is, Mr Darling speaking, what is the nature of your enquiry?

SFG Well, I’m from the Royal Bank of Scotland and I’ve seen your adverts with Northern Rock and the Bradford and Bingley. I want to apply for one of your low interest loans, my dear Darling – the ISA (bb).

GMGS That would be the Incredibly Sizeable Amount (broken banks) loan. What amount were you looking for?

SFG Not too much really, just enough to tide me over. £15 billion.

GMGS And what is the loan for?

SFG Er.....(muffled voices heard in the background). Er....I need a sofa for the living room and my wife wants me to put up some shelves in the study. Maybe a bunker to hide in too, just a small one, where we can store tins of beans if the trouble we’ve caused gets really bad.

GMGS And what sort of repayment period are we looking at? There’s 12 months, 36 months, 48 months and indefinite, with the taxpayer paying it all back somewhere a while off in the future.

SFG That ‘s the one. The indefinite period.

GMGS Let me just check your credit rating. This will only take a minute or two. Can you hold.... hold on for grim death?

SFG Ok then (muttering in background of ‘what the hell are we going to do if they turn it down?’)

GMGS Sorry to say that your credit rating is zero, absolutely nothing, so we’d be delighted to offer you £15bn. Have you any security for the loan?

SFG I’ll secure it against the future of the British people.

GMGS Perfect. One final thing. Do you want to take out one of our insurance policies in case of unemployment?

SFG No, I’m out of the whole thing. I’m resigning. I was paid £4.2m last year with my £2.86m bonus because of my splendid performance in not foreseeing any of this. I should get a £2m pay off as well. I’ll be all right Jack.

GMGS My name’s Alistair