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SLEUTH: Elegy For Koffee Pot | Resolutions | Mad Friday | MCR Egg | Shittery

Sleuth Wk 51: Elegy on the passing of Koffee Pot, eggs, pita, knuckle-heads and utter shittery

Written by . Published on December 19th 2014.


SLEUTH: Elegy For Koffee Pot | Resolutions | Mad Friday | MCR Egg | Shittery
 

SleuthSleuthSleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week, it's the truth, but Sleuth's truth. He's several people all at once. We give £25 for every story/rumour and piece of absurdity you find for us to publish. Sleuth sometimes even gets serious. We ask for the money back if any legal action follows. Follow Sleuth on twitter @mcrsleuth

SLEUTH'S NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

Sleuth has decided to completely change his life for 2015. He needs to get ahead of the game. So he's going to:

1) Grow a beard and whiskers

2) Keep bees on his roof

3) Open a rib shack

4) Become a graphene scientist

5) Put a tramline in his hair

6) Open his own tramline to somewhere in Greater Manchester

7) Insert a building nobody wants between two other buildings

8) Brew his own craft beer

9) Get a topknot above the tramline and the beard and whiskers

10) Take a picture of his new look with a selfie on a stick

Sleuth 2015

Sleuth 2015

PITA PIT FOR DEANSGATE

As well as nipping into the ‘ole Bull’s Head pub for a swifty, when Sleuth’s catching a train from Piccadilly one of his guilty pleasures is to drop into Pita Pit over the footbridge and grab a tikka chicken pita for £3.50. Lovely it is, warm, soft and lightly-toasted pita surrounding sweet tikka chicken chunks. Still, being on the other side of the city centre from Confidential Towers, Sleuth doesn't get nearly as many Pita lunches as he'd like. Good news then that Pita Pit are set to open their second city centre unit on Deansgate in March 2015. Bad news for Greggs next door.

BLOOD, SLAUGHTER AND SMILES

Sleuth's been looking at some of the other media of Manchester this week. He rather liked the way the Mancunian Matters newsletter cheerfully signed off after the description of some of the storylines. It read: 'Appalling footage of a gypsy-style bloody bare knuckle 'straightener' uploaded to YouTube has led to the arrests of three men. See the shocking, blood-spattered pics here. Also in the newsletter...'sadism' in slaughterhouses uncovered in horrifying footage. Have a great week everyone. All the best.'  

I've got a wonderful Christmas for you...of blood and slaughter

 

I've got a wonderful Christmas for you...one of blood and slaughter

MCR EGG... IT'S BACK!

Back in 2010 an egg made Sleuth's mouth fall in love and lifted his spirit. It was a Scotch egg, of sorts, but different, and made in Manchester. The egg made national headlines, The Telegraph, Guardian, some others, maybe. A bloke called Ben from Manchester, dicking about in the pub with crushed crisps and a pickled egg, invented the Manchester Egg - a pickled egg wrapped in pork meat and black pudding then coated in breadcrumbs. Japanese breadcrumbs if Sleuth recalls. Why Japanese Sleuth has no idea but the result was a belter. Then one of Sleuth's favourite Manchester chefs, Rob Owen-Brown (formerly of the Mark Addy and currently shifting high-end Xmas hampers from atasteoftheseason.co.uk) starting making them and Sleuth was over the moon. Then they disappeared and Sleuth cried.

So imagine Sleuth's delight last week when he spotted the egg being sold to a stream of punters from the Lancashire Hotpot stall in Albert Square Christmas markets. Next week is the market's last so go grab one before they disappear again. If there's any left, Sleuth's stuck 473 of 'em in his freezer.

Manchester EggManchester Egg

MAD FRIDAY

Sleuth’s only just got over the trauma of ‘Black Friday’ when unaware he popped into Tesco for milk and bread and got gang-banged by rampaging bargain-hunters because they mistook his loaf of Warbutons for a 50-inch plasma TV. Now it’s ‘Mad Friday’, and according to police figures, when Sleuth goes for his well-deserved Friday lunchtime pint of Timmy Taylors he’s set to get trampled by 300,000 rabid boozers tear-arsing around the city-centre chased down Benny Hill-style by 200 on-duty officers. Sleuth might hibernate next December, just to be on the safe side.

Sleuth later todaySleuth later today

SLEUTH'S MOST RIDICULOUS CONCLUSION TO AN ARTICLE EVER

So Sleuth was reading another bit of Manchester media, the I Heart MCR blog magazine thingy whatever. This was an in-depth, tightly argued article discussing the 'Northern Powerhouse' in 220 words. It started with saying that Manchester is better than Leeds and Liverpool but then said we're not at the level of London in international profile yet. At that startling news Sleuth had to pick himself off the ground.

But the absolute gem was the final paragraph. It read: 'Will the north ever be able to compete with London economically? London is so far ahead of the rest of the country that it seems unlikely. But remember that when Alex Ferguson took over at United in 1986 and promised to knock Liverpool off their perch, nobody believed him. Liverpool had won 15 league titles and United had won seven. The rest is history.' And, thinks Sleuth, that last paragraph is shittery. Incomparable nonsense.

Sleuth tweeted: 'Excellent - the shallowest article of the week. The last paragraph is pure magic.' The I Heart MCR people must have just read the last line. They favourited the tweet.

Elegy On The Passing Of Koffee Pot

So farewell then Koffee Pot,

With artists, musos and Deirdre waiting for the bus.

You really had the lot,

So let’s kick up a fuss,

Now you’re leaving us.

Where are the full Englishes of yesteryear we’ll cry,

As we stare a stale Starbucks’ Danish in the eye.

"I once saw Bez in there," people would sigh.

"Who the hell cares?" came the inevitable reply. 

But most of all Sleuth will miss your haggis,

Now you’re gone it makes him saddish,

Like a wilted radish,

Trying to find a rhyme for the word haggis.

 

...Oh, by the way, Koffee Pot's only moving round the corner - read here

Bye bye baby, remember Sleuth will always love youHaggis, potato bread, fried eggs and spinach. Bye bye baby, remember Sleuth will always love you

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5 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

AnonymousDecember 20th 2014.

Still really sad to see a true original leave ... at least theres still mufti and marhaba .... !!!

rinkydinkDecember 20th 2014.

There is never ever an excuse that utter shite samurai haircut. An utter disgrace...

Mick ProctorDecember 21st 2014.

black friday is so depressing wake up sheep

TezDecember 22nd 2014.

If you're inclined to venture far enough outside the M60, All Things Nice deli in Marple have always done killer black pudding scotch eggs :)

AnonymousJanuary 24th 2015.

EDITORIAL: Because you have posted the same rant on two separate stories we assume you have ulterior motives and have removed it.

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