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Barge Brothels, James Corden maybe, Dating Advice, Worst Press Officer

Sleuth Wk 32 and seafood scraps

Published on August 2nd 2013.

Barge Brothels, James Corden maybe, Dating Advice, Worst Press Officer

SleuthSleuthSleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week, it's the truth, but Sleuth's truth. He's several people all at once. We give £25 for every story/rumour and piece of absurdity you find for us to publish. Sleuth sometimes even gets serious. We ask for the money back if any legal action follows. Follow Sleuth on twitter @mcrsleuth

Loveboat Arrives On Bridgewater Canal

Recently, Sleuth has heard rumours of a barge of debauchery moored in the otherwise charming Castlefield Basin. The rumour goes something like this. Despondent with taxes, energy bills and the rising price of modern day living costs (75ml KY a whopping £4), a group of horizontal entrepreneurs has taken to water to do business. Well thought Sleuth, it makes logistical sense. Tapping (or being tapped) into new markets should be a breeze, and this makes upping sticks (in case of an urgent need to move) a much less troublesome process.

Sleuth wasn’t sure whether to believe this rumour, up until the point he was innocently moseying around Castlefield and spotted an empty ‘Sex Handcuffs’ box discarded by a canalside bench.

He picked it up just as three attractive young ladies walked by on the way to The Wharf pub. Timing is everything. They gave him a look. Slowly pivoting away Sleuth found himself next to the barge Castlefield residents are worried about. Not one for bondage or pirate prostitutes, or a destroyed reputation, Sleuth made a speedy exit. 

Sleuth’s Tutorial For Dating Gentlemen: Part One

Sleuth’s going to have to start classes for men. They can be so rubbish. He hears of a recent Manchester encounter set up through an online dating site. Thirty somethings. Nice occasion. Bit of music. Bit of nosh. Bit of a drink. Then a farewell at the station and a demure snog and a promise of a meet-up soon. All good. All very match.com.

Then as the gentleman walks away he punches the air and whoops. Because of the snog and the promise. Oh bloody dear. The woman looks on in despair, cancels the next meeting immediately.

Sir, sir, please; decorum, grace, you’re in your late thirties, don’t act like a teenager at a youth club party. Or a cast member from Inbetweeners.

(By the way Sleuth can be hired by readers seeking advice on etiquette, courtship, insanity, model aeroplane making, knee joint problems, iambic pentameters and cheese tasting. Reasonable rates. Cash only.)

Crustacea v Molluscs

Sleuth abhors city centre violence. On the steps of the ex-Theatre Royal on Peter Street, Sleuth was shocked to find this scene, picture below. Molluscs scrapping with crustacea, shocking. Probably both the lobster and mussels had drunk way too much, seems like there was a lot of damage too. This sort of behaviour can ruin a city’s reputation and put a strain on the National Health Service. It's frankly disgusting. Very shellfish of them.

Right scrap here - disgraceful

Right scrap here - disgraceful

How Not To Be A Press Officer

A Confidential member of staff was seeking clarification on the closure of Kaleido – Confidential’s exclusive story on Wednesday. He called a press officer for Kaleido and got an answer. By the following morning that didn’t stack up. So he rang again. The press officer seemed angry. “I’ve got nothing to add,” he raged. Then when pressed, “What is this? Do you think we owe you money or something?”

Our man pointed out that he was a writer for a magazine trying to get information for a story that would interest the readers and that press officers are there to provide at least some sort of information to journalists or writers. Our writer then pointed out that he shouldn’t have to tell a press officer this.

“So,” continued the Confidentialista, “can you confirm that redundancies have been made?” “Why do you want to know that?” snapped the press officer.

Sleuth reckons maybe the role of press offficer isn't quite the right one for this man.

Prince Albert

Sleuth was at the launch of the Manchester Jazz Festival on Friday 26 July. Prince Albert attended the event despite being dead since 1861. He leaned over the pavilion in Albert Square, and then just like one of the Fallen Angels in the Dr Who series, edged his way closer and closer to the stage. Sleuth watched rapt as His Late Royal Highness danced a slow dance across canvas and the sun slumped to the west.

Albert's coming

Albert's coming

Sleuth And The Famous Hollywood Movies From The 1970s

Every seven days or so Sleuth is stopped in the street and asked by policemen, concierges, online daters, barge lovers, mussels, lobsters, Prince Albert and the complete cast of Dr Who: "Where can we find a blast of heavenly light turning a tower block in Manchester city centre into a scene from the 1974 movie Towering Inferno starrring Steve McQueen and Paul Newman?"

"Why," says Sleuth, "that would have been on Thursday 1 August when Beetham Tower became a scene from the 1974 movie Towering Inferno starrring Steve McQueen and Paul Newman."

And to prove this he showed the policemen, concierges, online daters, barge lovers, mussels, lobsters, Prince Albert and the complete cast of Dr Who, this picture.  

Beetham - Towering Inferno


Beetham - Towering Inferno

Sleuth And The Blast Of Heavenly Spotlighting

Every seven days or so Sleuth is stopped in the street and asked by policemen, concierges, online daters, barge lovers, mussels, lobsters, Prince Albert and the complete cast of Dr Who: "Where can we see a posse of Power Rangers in Manchester?"

"Why," says Sleuth, "that would be on Oxford Road from Rump'n'Ribs window while eating a steak with garlic mushrooms and a hot chilli sauce. And after the first lot are gone then a chubby Power Ranger who looks like James Corden passes too."

And to prove this he showed the policemen, concierges, online daters, barge lovers, mussels, lobsters, Prince Albert and the complete cast of Dr Who, these pictures. 

Power Rangers

Power Rangers

Ribeye and garlic mushroomsRibeye and garlic mushrooms


Power Ranger who doesn't fit in the suitPower Ranger who doesn't fit in the suit - or perhaps James Corden in disguise?

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5 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

Howard TaylorAugust 4th 2013.

Power Rangers are real you know. And they often walk down Oxford Road

Manc GuyAugust 9th 2013.

…and as you enjoyed a glass of house red in Rump'n'Ribs, I’m sure you thought about the unnecessary pain the animal went through as it bled to death, before part of it ended up on your plate. I walked past the other day and thought I saw their first ever customer. It turned out it was just my reflection in the window.

1 Response: Reply To This...
Swiss JamesAugust 12th 2013.

No house red at Rump'n'Ribs- it's alcohol free, hence the lack of customers.

AnonymousAugust 11th 2013.

It's WEEPING Angels, not Fallen Angels. Yours, a nerd.

AnonymousAugust 13th 2013.

Those chips look shocking!

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