Who would you trust to be mayor of Liverpool?

No one has mentioned me yet

Chucklebutty is all very well but if you want a candidate who will bring dignity, pomp and circumstance to the office of Mayor of Liverpolitania then the man you need is plainly Crown Prince Harpik!A local member of royalty all-too-conscious of how standards have slipped over the last half-century, he can restore civic pride and make Greater Liverpool and no doubt give contributors to Liverpool Confidential their paragraphs and other formatting back!

Definitely Crown Prince Harpik gets my vote. The original leader of the city, he would return civic pride and style to a Liverpool blighted by horror Storey and his dreadful hair.

Professor Chucklebutty would seem to be the only sane choice (by jove!).

Without doubt it must be Crown Prince Harpik! He would make politicians and officials answerable at the point of a sword and the hurtling half-bricks of the pillory!

I'll vote for the man who lets me keep my bus pass, providing he promises to save money by sacking those nasty people who try to stop little Fifi doing her do-dos in the park.We have so many busy-bodies in our city. Maybe if we had just one mayor it would get rid of most of them and we would know where we stand. My favourite would be that nice man Craig who won the X-Factor of Big Brother or something like that.

This city has never been the same since the Conservatives became extinct. I say a jolly good helping of old fashioned Toryism is just what these environs need to smarten things up. I'm sure Mr Cameron will lend us one of his top bananas for the post. He could be called the Government's Governor General for Liverpool, cracking the whip so to speak and getting those unfortunate jobless folk of the inner city areas back into gainful circulation. Am I wrong? Of course not, who do you think was in charge of this city when Liverpool was the World's Greatest Seaport. It certainly wasn't the Lib Dems or Labour. Lets give it up for Yer Conservatives, hip-hip, hip-hip, hip-hip

Jack, if I chuck a quid into your tin can I have some free tickets as well?

Can we have some paragraphs please....... this just made my eyes sore! PTx

What do we want? PARAGRAPHSWhen do we want 'em? NOW!

Suck!Teacher's pet!

Our paragraphs were take away in cost-cutting to do with the Capital of Culture. It is intended to even further limit social mobility in twenty-first century Britain.

Is this real? What are you going on about. Do you mean Ken Dodd?

I'm all for giving the Tories a go...and as for the Mayor of Liverpool...Pete Postlethwaite for me. No more Lib Dem "sicophantic...bum licking...with Mike Storey being the current (so called) Mayor..who would be next? Surely not our unbeloved Warren Bradley? He of the photo shoot in every corner of the city?...never mind the money that he has spent (council tax payers money) on is "entourage" to Shanghai. Try googling it...get past the the "city council blurb"....search for Liverpool Shanghai...and dig deep!!All of our politicians are in it for the amount of money that they can screw from (us) the council tax payers.I refer to the Lib Dems and the Labour local MP's...as well as the bum holes in our local council.Amazing how many have resigned since the full publication of expenses claimed...and the restrictions for expenses in the future.Unfortunately. Warren Bradley and Mike Storey seem to be immune from all of this.Just "google" their namesand see what else they are up to!!Apart from that..."Feathering their nest" comes to mind. What Liverpool needs is a strong, straight speaking leader, who takes no shit, no bribes, who cares for the people and not themselves, and really loves this city and the potential it has...manufacturing, small businesses, support for the elderley and infirm...and never forget, our beautiful green spaces, THAT SHOULD STAY THAT WAY...stuff Tescos....support Aldi , Netto and Lidl...you don't get ripped off and they use brown field sites!!Not like Tesco in Mather Avenue...despite numerous opposition for the extension into the Uni playing fields (and plans declined) ..........it was finally agreed by the Council (18monthsago) on the promise of new jobs!! THAT WAS A DESIGNATED GREEN SITE!! Good old WB with his "green for liverpool" campaign, has rampaged over our green belt, with "back handers and publicity" as his sole purpose in life!!Anyone remember Derek Hatton??

Proffie Von Cucklebutty,Finished my "soap box" stuff..I would give ANYONE the vote, that allowed pubs to make their own decision as to be "smoking" or "non smoking"...their business, their customers, they know the best...fed up of being "out in the cold"....

I propose a Facebook campaign for the good Professor. Perhaps Larry & his chums at Aurora/October could also weigh in. Whaddya reckon?

It is as plain as the light in a cucumber: Chucklebutty for mayor; Harpick as regent for military affairs; Baron von Strengel in charge of telegrammatical communications (all electronic gadgetry will be banned immediately of course) and the Marquis de Vouvray commanding the cavalry. Then we invade the Wirral, and trade it to China in exchange for the liberation of Tibet.

Hi Jasper, yeah brilliant, would love to see you June next year, brilliant, but you didn't say what day though. Is La Conic a Spanish group? Do you want me to book them? They sound fanatstic, amazingly brilliant. It's going to be.... brilliant....what is it?

Dearest people, I have been campaigning for Proffessor Chucklebutty to be mayor of Liverpool for over a year now, please join my facebook group to show your support, Chuckie is indeed the only candidate who cares and will get this City back on it's feet. He can also get cheap keys cut from his friend Mr Clack.CHUCKLEBUTTY FOR MAYOR OF LIVERPOOL

OK, just for you Richard, you can call me Phil. Is your real name Richard Nixon?

I'll do it, stickin up for all the scallies, lids and kiddas. Inabit boys!!

Would you buy a used car off this man who calls himself .'Dig'?

Even Wirralites would gladly pay INCREASED tunnel charges to come over the water and pay tribute to the All-Glorious Harpik!

That's not "Professor" Redmond, it's actor Geoffrey Palmer in a fright wig.

I was only listening to them on my headphones the other day, doctors advice actually, he said something about my head needing La Conic irrigation. Didn't work!

It was Simon Heffer, not Boris, who wrote the Spectator article. Boris was the Editor which is why he had to apologise.

What's a Tory??????Harpik would not be of use in Liverpool as his policies are down the toilet

Chucklebutty, laconic communication is for text messages. Try to be more expansive.6/10. See me.

Elected mayors are nothing but a beauty contest in which populist showman such as Boris Johnson or Ken Livingstone, or worse still populist bigots like the right-wing nutter in Doncaster have a natural advantage. Laz is right to compile such an unlikely list of useless candidates to show how ridiculous it would be.

If Terry Christian is being mooted as Mayor of Manchester we need a rival in that same rich celeb vain. My brain has been in overdrive wobdering would be be good. Dean Sullivan sprung to mind. Then I thought we should really start to take this who subject seriously. We may be toytown, but Elected Mayor is not a toy job. So I think LC should start a serious campaign to see the truly remarkable Coleen Rooney put up for the job. She really would be good, and I am sure she would get a lot of support.

Howe could we forget?

I would suggest checking out the Liverpool Subculture website but I won't as I suspect that may confuse you more Woolite.

It should be me. You think our city leaders are crooked now? Wait until you see mee in action. I'll show them how it's done!

Impersonating a clergyman is a criminal offence you know.

Chucklebutty can get cheap cars from his friend Dig also. He's never asked, but he can.

Ten years ago I could probably have given you a handful of names for a suitable mayor but not today. I can't think of anybody worthy of the title...

Could The Prof be Mayor? His anonymity would be no more. Will I still be employed as your stationery manager Prof? I'm not happy with E.Lex's comments that The Prof is the only sane choice after stating my interests in an earlier rant. I like to think that I'm sane. I've even got Ringo to write a song for my election campaign.

Why can't you do paragraphs?

I'll vote for any candidate who promises us trams that we can smoke on.

Two tickets for me and the missus to see La Conic. You only have to look at where they were 10years ago-where were they?And I am passionate on this one Roger!

Why Professor Chucklebutty is the ideal Mayor for Liverpool and the City Region! Why is “Professor” Redmond impersonating a clergyman with a collapsed face? Redmond would be no good, he’d be too busy admiring his reflection in the silverware to do any work. Also we’d need an interpreter to understand his speeches.

I'd never vote for paragraphs. Anyway, that Williamson bloke would have made a great mayor - creating employment in hard times with his tunnels. What people don't know is that he was actually searching for a rich seam of jam butties. There's even a rumour circulating that his great-great-grand-child, Prof Chucklebutty, was going through his personal effects and discovered a letter ... See Morerevealing that just before he croaked, one meandering tunnel had touched the edge of a huge butty deposit. Fast forward to today: tough times, unemployment,lack of public toilets, little industry, a general melancholy, feral cats, sour-faced former Sidebrook producers campaigning for mayor, then there's only one choice. Someone who'll bring employment to the masses. Someone with the vision to re-open the jam butty mines. And no, it's not Les Dennis...

....but without the semicolons, just the br in the brackets. Works a treat