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Weird stories

Dave Cyst's occasional column of oddness from the news gatherers

Written by . Published on May 19th 2011.

Weird stories

So, do I get my deposit back?

A landlord in Salford stabbed his lodger with a pitchfork over a dispute about missing insomnia medication before tying his legs together, dragging him around the streets and offering local children £10 apiece to beat him with crowbars.

Thankfully, Greg Dean miraculously escaped with only fractures and landlord John Shenton has been sentenced to five years. Got me thinking though, I rent a property from a private landlord so I dug out my tenancy agreement to have a detailed read which obviously I didn’t bother when signing - who does?

It transpires that if I fail to keep my oven clean to an ‘acceptable standard’ then ‘the tenant is liable to be administered with thumbscrews, or equivalent medieval torture, then paraded naked around the town square for public flogging’.

I’m going to speak to the Citizen’s Advice Bureau and if you rent privately, I’d implore you to do the same.

The great deep pan robbery

Greater Manchester Police have revealed a spate of pizza delivery drivers being targeted by gangs, the latest occurring in Collyhurst. The crooks have thus far made away with a few pizzas, a handful of change and a Nissan Micra - which was later abandoned. Kept the pizzas, dumped the car.

Some crimes, whilst morally objectionable, you may be excused for understanding the lure of the huge bounty at stake (not a giant chocolate bar, though that may be understandable in itself.) Others, like this one, you can’t help ponder the ludicrous thought process which preceded their dastardly deed.

I can only conclude that it’s simply a crime of passion - a gaggle of wanton outlaws with an insatiable lust both for risk and stuffed crusts. It’s a dangerous game though as Domino’s won’t deliver to Strangeways when they’re caught, which is likely after being captured on CCTV.

Deutschland, Deutschland, uber Eccles

After being thumped at Old Trafford in their Champions League tie, German team FC Schalke suffered further indignity after some club training tracksuits were pinched from their hotel, The Marriott in Worsley. To make matters worse, it’s reported that the thieves then masqueraded as part of the clubs set-up, talking to and posing for photographs with the team at their welcome party.

Presumably it was the accent which gave the game away; “Ey ar mate, course I play for Schalkoh” *hands down front of tracksuit*.

Also, I wouldn’t want to lift the lid on a potentially burgeoning epidemic, Dave Cyst is no grass, but at the same game I also saw thousands of people in the crowd brazenly sporting shirts which looked dubiously similar to those worn by the Manchester United players.

Three arrests have been made but if my suspicions are correct, there are more to follow.

Prisoner escapes through, well, an escape hatch

Convicted armed robber John Paul Williams from Longsight has been captured by Greater Manchester after previously escaping through the skylight of the van transporting him between prisons.

Sterling police work the capture of a fugitive may be, but it’s a touch self inflicted by the prison service I think. Thankfully I’m no expert in their workings, but it strikes me that if you put a sunroof, or to coin a better expression, an escape hatch in a vehicle transporting inmates then it’s likely that they may seize that opportunity to try and escape. It’s like giving someone about to face a firing squad the facility of a trapdoor; I reckon they might just use it?

Unless, of course, there was a window sticker on the under side reading ‘prisoners are reminded not to escape through this hatch’ and in which case I apologise unreservedly to HMPS.

The Plagues of Manchester

While loitering around Oxford Road shamelessly trying to be offered flyers for student nights to feel young again, Mr Cyst saw this Ford Focus completely covered in ice cubes.

ice plagues.jpgHow did this happen? Maybe it was simply a drunk with a bag of ice and a hatred for American hatchbacks? Or, an extremely localized downpour of large hail cuboids due to global warming?

Not to be sensationalist, but there may be a more sinister explanation. This could be beginning of a series of plagues to be exacted on Manchester by a wrathful God, like those that bothered Egypt in the book of Exodus. There were no piles of frogs or locust swarms nearby but they may yet to come.

If you have been oppressing the Israelites in your car then heed this warning.

Lady Bin Laden of Cheshire

In arguably the most bizarre story - stay with me on this - a man from Todmorden who is treasurer of biker group ‘Satans Slaves’ has revealed that his ex wife (dubbed as Spiderwoman due to her huge web tattoo), has become the late Osama Bin Laden’s daughter-in-law, marrying his son Omar with the couple now living in Cheshire.

mrs and mrs bin laden.jpgThe new Mrs Bin Laden is former Cheshire Parish Councilor Jane Felix-Browne, described as an ‘unorthodox character who enjoyed partying’ and whose marriage to Mr Bin Laden is her sixth. I wonder if Osama approved of her, he had three wives simultaneously so couldn’t be one to judge really. Particularly considering all the terror stuff too.

Between the ‘Satans Slave’ and son of the world’s most famous terrorist she had two husbands and I’m fascinated at who they could have been. An accountant named Clive followed by Randolf the circus weasel-tamer? 

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MarkJorgy shared this on Facebook on May 19th 2011.
Mike LeverMay 21st 2011.

The used to be a landlord in Eccles who forbade his tenants from any immortal practices

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