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Weird Manchester part 3

Dave Cyst: why parrots are the agents of crime and other stories

Written by . Published on June 1st 2011.


Weird Manchester part 3

I like mine with a gun and a rucksack full of cash

Crème eggs; how do you eat yours?

Police are searching for a man who demonstrated an unorthodox Crème Egg approach at a Co-op store in Sale by paying for one of the treats before turning round and brandishing what is believed to be a handgun, demanding money from the till.

Personally I bite off the top, and then tackle the filling leaving a chocolate shell to finish. Horses for courses I suppose.

Ultimately the man took the conscious decision to commit the robbery but the buck has to stop with Cadbury’s for me. The social pressure induced by the Brummy chocolatier’s advertising campaign to ‘keep up with the Jones’ in their egg scoffing technique is clearly escalating to dangerous one-upmanship.

An internationally approved protocol for Crème Egg consumption is the solution these government fat cats are failing to address while trivially meddling with recessions and wars and terrorism.

Colonel caviar with the candelabras in the tabernacle

Burglars broke through the back entrance of St Edward’s church in Rusholme this month stealing 7 silver candlesticks. Morality aside, while it transpires the holy swag they stole was extremely valuable, why they chose to break into a church is mystifying off first glance.

To correctly identify items of high value amongst everything in a church leads me to suspect that these may be deviantly charming antique rustlers who gathered round in the middle of the robbery with monocles’ like a Diagnosis Murder special of the Antiques Roadshow.

While Christians are generally pretty big on forgiveness, certain sins will be tricky to justify to St Peter as he assesses your celestial guest list credentials for life’s after party, and stealing from church is probably one of them.

Police are requesting information on anyone acting suspiciously at auctions for religious trinkets, or selling cut-price Holy Water in pubs.

Britain’s got busking talent

IMG-20110408-00156.jpgThis chap was spotted on Market Street by one of Dave Cyst’s informants. He is either –

  1. A busker wearing a cape, a Union Jack, a plastic tiger mask whose performance is to stir an empty Tupperware bowl to the sounds of disco music.
  2. An expressionist performance artist who is depicting the heartbreakingly brief life cycle of the mayfly through the median of interpretive and imaginary cookery. Wearing a cape, a Union Jack, a plastic tiger mask, to disco music.

Either way, he’s won himself a new fan. Mrs Cyst made me watch all 75 Britain’s Got Talent shows on Saturday and I think seeing as we seem to be openly celebrating the resurgence of gurgling jesters, here is an act with a certain panache who would more suit the Royal Variety shot than someone playing the Cello with their liver while riding a marzipan Segway.

Does Polly want an alibi?

Three knife-wielding robbers broke into a house in Collyhurst before stealing a quantity of cash and, curiously, an African grey Parrot named Ruby.

The thought of some hardened criminals huddled in a sordid drinking pit planning their next illicit caper, one turns and says “I’ve got word that there’s a parrot on my estate, those feathery bastards are worth a fortune”.

Even if it was grabbed on an opportunist whim, the Crimewatch reconstruction of a man trying to make a quiet getaway while struggling with an apoplectic parrot shrieking and flapping its wings would be a televisual slapstick treat.

Although, I’m not entirely convinced the parrot (nature’s blabbermouths) didn’t orchestrate the whole foul charade in exchange for freedom. Police should be searching for the fugitive in local pet shops containing parrots. What would be the first thing you would do after years of incarceration?

New Heinz ‘Appendagez’ range not well received

Greater Manchester bean pioneers Heinz have this week been fined £20,000 after a 65 year old worker lost his index finger in a packing machine accident in 2008.

 The Wigan-based company pleaded guilty to two health and safety offences for failing to conduct risk assessment and provide adequate training.

I like Heinz beans as much as the next man, there was a time at university where my diet consisted solely on my signature Beans-on-plate with tomato jus and pepper a la sachet. Still I never, ever trusted their beans and sausages combo.

I’m not a huge fan of sausages in general due to an issue with ‘mystery meatstuffs’, but I always thought the strange skinless Heinz offal-esque matter tubes always had a worryingly finger-like feel to them.

For once, my irrational food paranoia prevailed over those who pointed the finger. And probably ate them too.

photo %285%29.jpgPigeon binge drinking crisis

While taking a leisurely stroll through Chinatown, Mr Cyst was heckled by this group of pigeons in the latest shocking indictment of Britain’s binge drinking culture. I didn’t directly see them drinking any binge per se, but with the street strewn with empty beer cans, the feathery yobs were visibly inebriated while tucking into a rather grizzly looking lager-soaked chicken kebab.

I’ve long defended pigeons to people who refer to them as vermin as, ultimately, they have made the best of humans destroying their habitat and adapted admirably to survive in urban areas. But after being confronted by the drunken chirruping hooligans squawking some unsavoury anti-human sentiments while indulging in what is virtually if not quite cannibalism, I can defend them no longer.  

The offenders were last seen noisily flying under the influence - as effectively as a daddy longlegs in a wind tunnel - towards a gentleman’s ‘health studio’.

Wankers.

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MarkJorgy shared this on Facebook on June 1st 2011.
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