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Weird Manchester news

Dave Cyst starts an occasional series looking at odd stories from across Greater Manchester

Published on May 4th 2011.

Weird Manchester news

Naturist commando tackles thieves

There are few occasions where one could see a story about a burglary and feel a shred of compassion for the thieves. I wouldn’t condone breaking into anyone’s home, but in a hypothetical situation, if there was one thing I wouldn’t want to happen during my imaginary robbery it would be getting punched very hard, repeatedly, in the middle of the face by a retired army corporal. A naked one.

Spare a thought then, for the feckless sods who attempted to break into L/Cpl Wayne O’Mahoney’s house in Salford last month. O’Mahoney, who served for two years in Iraq, heard his door being kicked through in the small hours, and nakedly chased three masked men out of the house before punching one of them several times through the window as they failed spectacularly at stealing his car. The only way it could have gone more wrong for the robbers would be if the corporal was standing to attention during the fracas, due to adrenaline or something. 

It was a heart-warmingly good day for karma and if there’s anything which might dissuade young would-be crooks from crime, then being battered by naked war veterans might be it. Probably more effective than National Service.

Reports that Salford City Council are trialling a pilot scheme employing retired soldiers to patrol troublesome estates in the buff wearing Rambo face paint have yet to be substantiated. If they aren’t, perhaps they should.

Scream Mask robbery coincides with film release?

Greater Manchester Police are still searching for a man who robbed Habib Bank on Swan Street in Manchester wearing a mask made famous by the norks and stabbing horror franchise Scream.

It seems a tad coincidental that this happened during the build up to the hugely publicised release of  the latest addition to the series. Importantly, no one was harmed in the incident but almost definitely one of two things may or may not have happened here.

Either, a knife toting-desperado foresaw the release of the film and decided to theme his brainless caper in the interests of infamy and/or homage. Or perhaps the whole thing was a PR stunt orchestrated by the film company to raise the profile of their impending release.

The quest for publicity constantly seeks new routes to market (market being our brains, route being our ears and eyes) to maximise ‘exposure’ but it would be disgusting for a company to suspend human decency for commercial gain and they almost certainly possibly might not have.

But there’s nothing to say they won’t, or haven’t thought about it, and we’re then a collective moral stones-throw from corporate sponsorship of international conflicts. “The ‘liberation’ of Iran; brought to you by Powergen”. Or the Middle East conflict, sponsored by Ariston..and on and Ariston.

It was probably unrelated but I’m boycotting the film just in case.

Nietzsche rulez ok

Confidential recently discovered the cult of Phil  (click here), surely top of the city’s humorous wall-daubing charts. Most ‘chavloglyphics’ found around the city stray little beyond the dizzying heights of ‘DAZ IZ PROPA GAY’ scribbled incompetently by an idiot, or hollow invitations for intimacy in toilet cubicles whose telephone numbers seldom work - cruelly.

We discovered a new candidate for quality recently on Back George Street. This reads “Nietzche has been chronically misunderstood. His famous ‘Superman’ concept is not analogous of NAZISM.”

It’s different. It’s absolutely correct in any case; as we’re sure you already know Nietzsche’s Ubermensch concept has indeed been wrongly accused of being analogous of the super Aryan ideal, rather than an interpretation of Aristotle’s man of virtue. So whoever it was knows their philosophy.


It conjures a rather sad picture of a world-weary philosopher with a tattered cravat, struck off from their lecturing job due to ‘extremist views’, resorting to staggering the streets sternly lecturing passers by on the derivative Marxist practise of drawing a cock and balls on a door before trudging away chugging liberally from a tin of paint stripper.

Kelloggs staffs royal leisure time

Britons love a day off, so the recent royal wedding offered the wonderful gift of an unnecessary bank holiday. Trafford-based cereal munchers Kellogg’s announced their staff could have a day off to celebrate the wedding but, marvellously, they didn’t have to take it on the wedding day itself.

If I were a Kelloggs employee, I’d consider it my duty as an Englishman to point out to the company that if holidays in lieu are offered for Royal weddings, then there are backdated days off which have been stubbornly denied by the company. Since Kelloggs formed in 1906, there have been 15 major weddings of British royals, so there’s a nice couple of weeks off to speak to HR about. 

Ear-ache in Bury. 

This was one of the more disturbing stories from the last couple of weeks. One Tuesday night, a 53-year-old fella was stood at the bar of the Morning Star pub in Radcliffe when (as the police report says) ‘he was approached by a man. He asked the victim if he knew who he was before he bit part of his ear off and spat it out onto the floor. The offender then left the pub.’ 

It seems the victim didn’t know who the thug was. Maybe he was an over-exuberant Oscar Wilde fan who took the famous Wildean sentence: ‘The only thing worse than being talked about is not being about’ and illustrated this physically and aurally when the man didn’t recognize him. 

Anyway let’s hope the thug has been caught by the police. If so maybe they should visit Biblical vengeance upon him, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth and an ear for…well you know. 

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MarkJorgy shared this on Facebook on May 4th 2011.
SophoclesMay 5th 2011.

That Nietzshe also drinks in the Morning Star in Radcliffe, along with Plato, Bertrand Russell and that Cockney philosopher who is a Kant.

1 Response: Reply To This...
MarkJorgyMay 5th 2011.

yes I saw Immanuel Kant outside the Netto in Newton heath thrashing someone elses dog with a slipper. To think some people venerate this mans words.

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