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Urbis reprieve

National Football Museum plan rejected: major new attraction to open

Published on March 31st 2010.


Urbis reprieve

THIS IS AN APRIL FOOL'S DAY STORY

Confidential can exclusively reveal that following the breakdown of talks, the deal between the National Football Museum and Manchester City Council is off. The National Football Museum will stay in Preston.

Two events can be confirmed. Every 21 December, the shortest day of the year, there will be a Black Parade starting at Urbis to remember those who have gone before, and all the undead of the world. There will also be daily readings of the complete works of Stephenie Meyer just after sunset each day.

Instead the World Emo Centre (WEC) will occupy Urbis. This follows extensive consultation with the people who stand immediately outside on a Saturday.

Urbis's windows will be blacked out, which means people won't be able to see out of the building in the upper levels. Some commentators think this is a ludicrous idea but others, including the original architect, think it will add to the atmosphere.

Inside there will be meeting rooms and exhibition spaces: provisionally the first major exhibition will be 'Ground Down: Cemeteries of the World'.

The top exhibition floor (underneath the Urbis restaurant which will be renamed Kurt's Bar, after Kurt Cobain) will become the Self-Harm room, in which Emos can self-harm in a controlled and clean environment. The space will also feature a display of failed British millennium projects: The Millennium Dome, The National Pop Music Centre, The National Glass Centre, The Earth Centre, Urbis and others.

Although planning is at an early stage, two events can be confirmed. Every 21 December, the shortest day of the year, there will be a Black Parade starting at Urbis to celebrate and remember those who have gone before, and all the undead of the world. There will also be daily readings of the complete works of Stephenie Meyer just after sunset each day.

Outside My Chemical Romance will be played from speakers in the adjacent Cathedral Gardens to keep gangs of adults from hanging around causing trouble. “This type of music is scientifically proven to ward off anybody over 25 years of age,” said a spokesperson with studs in his forehead.

Urbis is eight-years-old and made of glass, steel, concrete and a complete lack of common sense. It has the most useless lift in the world. Provisionally WEC will open next year at the beginning of April after extensive renovation and rebuilding.

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22 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

Arran SummerhillApril 1st 2010.

Will they be exhibiting the Keswick Pencil museum as a failed project. I personally love it but it does have a bad reputation.

HullabalooApril 1st 2010.

Ha Ha Ha !!! such a witty piece of journalistic mastery. Ha Ha Ha - still laughing! - what a literary stunt to pull - woo woo - no one saw this coming - ha ha ha!
oh keep em coming please, in between being bombarded with sales promotions and offers for restaurants desperate to throw 'gordo' approved bargain 3 course meals my way - this has been the highlight of my fine april morn!

Trevor CravenApril 1st 2010.

Oh take it in the right spirit. I wish other media in Manchester would have a bit of fun occasionally. I thought it was great and love the idea of a ban on new Italian restaurants too. Honestly Hullabaloo what a whining miserable little sod you are. Good day.

AnonymousApril 1st 2010.

The self-harm comment isn't funny at all.

youreallygotmegoingApril 1st 2010.

You really had me going this morning.... brightened up my day!
...although it would have been even more brightened if Urbis was actually staying!! :o)

Stephen NewtonApril 1st 2010.

You've published this on 31 March, so more fool you!

EditorialApril 1st 2010.

Stephen, we created it on 31 March and we published it a four minutes past midnight...today. Also I'd like to say.....er nope can't be bothered.

GlandfanApril 1st 2010.

The self-harm room is so naughty it's hilarous.

AgricolaApril 1st 2010.

I think it's a cutting comment

HullabalooApril 1st 2010.

EDITORIAL NOTICE: This comment has been removed due to an exceptional and offensive lack of humour. It's April Fool's Day. Read that again about the restaurants and honestly tell us if we're really discriminating against Italians? Listen simple solution: don't ever read us. If you want to have a debate about this email jonathans@planetconfidential.co.uk

C 2 The GApril 1st 2010.

Hullabaloo come on take it in the spirit which is was written. It was a joke, something thats different to the normal press crap we read everyday. Maybe you should laugh every now and again you never no you might enjoy life.

Peter18156April 1st 2010.

Hah hah hah April Fool . its the bi-line that counts Ha ha ha. and can't fix it...? Ha Ha Ha!

Tricky WooApril 1st 2010.

People like "Hullabaloo" will like to read this site because they have an axe to grind and any chink in the armour will be leapt upon. Also wit does not come naturally to many people. I suppose they will brand me a racist now for using the ch- word

hullabalooApril 1st 2010.

April Fools!
I love ManCon really! it's cutting wit and pull-no-punches journo style.
Was only joshing you on guys! Sorry, sitting here at the desk this morning couldn't resist playing the cutting fool - and come on JS - the post you removed didn't have a complete lack of humour!
A fine april's day to the lot of you! big smiles all around Manchester today!

AnonymousApril 1st 2010.

Is the Comedy of Error's offer another one HA HA

EditorialApril 1st 2010.

The Comedy of Errors is a real offer. We think. Unless the Royal Exchange are having a laugh of course.

JJApril 1st 2010.

Where is the 'Comedy of Errors' offer? Can't find it.

EditorialApril 1st 2010.

JJ look in the offers section in the column on the right above.

AvoApril 1st 2010.

So how many people are going to rant about the ineffectiveness of the unsubscribe button today then?

Victor HumphreyApril 1st 2010.

I would have done but I unsubscribed. Instead I self harmed.

TommoApril 1st 2010.

I must admit, I was fooled by the first paragraph. Keep up the good work lol

Hero
GordoApril 1st 2010.

Am I being thick, or are the unsubscribers being thick? Just checked it out, looks OK to me...

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