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Under the microscope of Professor Y. Chucklebutty: The future of our civic leadership

Live from the European Capital of Custard, the legendary Grotty Cash sage casts an eagle eye on life, the universe and everything, in the first of an occasional series for Liverpool Confidential

Published on August 13th 2008.


Under the microscope of Professor Y. Chucklebutty: The future of our civic leadership

BY Jove Missus, I bumped into the latest Lord Mayor of Liverpool the other day.

I was out doing charity work, collecting tissues for sniffer dogs, and he was kind enough to pop a few coins into the collecting tin. Well actually it was two Turkish lira and a Polo mint.

From campaign headquarters in Hen
House, there is a
daily newsletter ending with the words “Only an elected mayor is the answer”. In fact according to Foghorn, this is the answer to everything. So don’t ever let him on your team at the pub quiz, he’s rubbish

But I suddenly thought: “This man who’s been made Mayor is a complete mystery to me.”

I know he is Labour, and both he and the Lady Mayor seem dignified enough so far - although if I find out he wore a Beatles wig, last month, he is going on my list.

But what exactly have they done to deserve this honour? Is it just his turn and, if so, when is it our turn? Or my turn, to be more precise? I’ve already got the ceremonial hat and my tickling stick can open anything!

As a well known philanthropist, and believe me it only takes half a shandy, I think I should be rewarded by getting to wear a pantomime costume and get lots of free dinners with Les Dennis, Sonia and Pete Pricerite. My good lady would love that.

She hasn’t been out for a free nosh since I took her to the Adelphi. You can’t really count the saline drip she was on for a week afterwards, but she, too, would make an outstanding Lady Mayor, so long as we kept a tight rein on the Babycham at formal dinners. Well you can’t have that kind of language at civic functions.

Who was the last chap we had as Mayor? Clark Kent wasn’t it? His picture was everywhere. Mind you, I think really he just stayed at home and they used Photoshop to paste him in. I mean it was the same picture every time, with the same grin, like a hamster had just run up his trouser leg or he’d just given the punchline to a risqué joke: “second time his hat blew off.. Hee heh”. Surely he must have scared the life out of people, grinning at them like that. “It’s okay, everybody just stay calm, and move away from the mayor”.

Now perhaps I am being unfair. He can’t help it. Maybe he’s just very happy, or he had the only key to the Town Hall drinks cabinet. Perhaps he’s got a fish bone lodged from one of the free dinners and, come to think of, it I wouldn’t want my family album on public display.

So what about the future? Who should appoint the mayor? Politicians or the people? I only ask now because have you seen the shape of things to come in 2009?

I think we’ll all be pining for Mr Smiley once we get Laughing Gravy as mayor. Yes missus, next year a chain will be placed around the neck (steady on now) of the amiable and much loved…oh no sorry it’s Mike Starey. The man who, when first elected as leader, single-handedly put an end to the fashion for designer stubble, perhaps his greatest achievement.

Mind you, he is still leading the way in designer lard for gentlemen’s grooming. Other people are going to have to wear that hat after you mate!

I couldn’t believe it when I saw the announcement; apparently within two hours the A&E at the Royal was full of people with a ruptured clack!

How will he have time to fit in public engagements between appearances at the Standards Board for England? He’s had more comebacks there than that singer fellow, you know, who I mean? Had that song everyone does, “I did it my way”. Yes that’s him, Frank Spencer.

He’s just like him. Every week he’s “‘ad a bit of trouble”. Mixed up in some of the worst publicity the city has ever had.

Do we really have no say in whether we want him to be the next Mayor of Liverpool, or anyone else for that matter?

Can’t we have a referendum, or is that inviting an elected mayor and we end up with Boris Johnson? By jove, missus, he’s put on weight since he won all those Wimbledon titles. He sells underpants now you know! Although by all accounts, he can’t keep them on for long.

Now, we have no room to mock Boris. Yes, he likes to play the buffoon but we are due to get a mayor in 2009 who not only plays it, but also is quite clearly classically trained.

We have no direct say in the appointment to this office and, as the population is not entirely content with the way the city has been managed, is it now time to look at giving power and meaning to this position by having an elected mayor? Would that be any better than what we have at the moment?

Looking at all the alternatives and seeing as the Wurzels are unavailable and the Chuckle Brothers are fully

booked up, we must seriously consider the Options. I like the minty one myself, missus.

After the last election, when it seemed that the will of the voters was dismissed and left in the hands of just one woman - well she had to put her chips down first - the democratic process was felt to have been denied. So should our city leaders be appointed or elected, and should this extend to an elected mayor and all the power that goes with it, and put an end to this horse-trading?

Now, whenever this topic is discussed, people always point to both Dr Livingstone and his indigestion charges in London, or to New York and the famous Mayor Rudolf Julie Andrews. He believed that every job that must be done contain an element of fun. He even tackled obesity by allowing only a spoonful of sugar, although that didn’t go down well. Then again, we would probably end up with the other bloke. What was his name? Oh yes, Koch.

Now you may be unaware of this ladies and gentlemen but there is already a strong and flourishing campaign in Liverpool to have an elected mayor. It is organised by former early morning broadcaster, and presenter of Cock-a-doodle-doo, Mr Foghorn Leggarty. I think he used to also be the face of Pathe Newsreel until Jeremy Paxo, the modern day sage, caused him to quit. Foghorn’s campaign website, “An elected, I say elected mayor for Liverpool.” is avidly read by his spellchecker.

From campaign headquarters in Hen House, there is a daily newsletter ending with the words “Only an elected mayor is the answer”. In fact according to Foghorn, this is the answer to everything. So don’t ever let him on your team at the pub quiz, he’s rubbish.

But does he have a point? I asked him what real difference he thought it would make to the city.

Mr Leggarty said, “The city is currently run by people who are totally unaccountable. In fact I doubt there are any accountants judging by the budget deficit. They accept no responsibility for their actions and operate within a blame culture. When they mess things up on a massive scale, as we have seen too many times in recent years, their first instinct is to protect themselves and pass the buck,buck,buck Begeeerk, buck, buck”

At this point I fled. I think he may be right about the current situation, but I am still not sure how an elected mayor would differ from what we have already, or raise the moral and ethical standards. No doubt he will be happy to explain. Why not write to him at the Corn Exchange and find out?

Of course, one of the criticisms of the campaign, although denied by Foghorn, is that some people are suspicious that there is already a campaign candidate either favoured by Foghorn or lining himself up. None other than Professor Brookside himself, Anthea “give us a twirl” Redmond. The man who gave us Barry Grunt, Grange Hell, and Wooden-blokes, and who ultimately should be held responsible for Dean Sullivan.

It seems that in order for the campaign to go forward, Foghorn has a petition that requires 5,000 signatures. I don’t know how well he’s doing with it, in fact I don’t know anyone else who’s seen it. I managed to catch a quick glimpse and could only see about five names on it. Now I couldn’t make all the names out, but it looked like; Mr P. Redmoon, a Mr Phil Headband, Mrs Phyllis Redman, Red Philmond and a Professor P. Redmayor. Leggarty hadn’t even signed it himself yet!

He’d have to do something with that hair The mayor is supposed to be Dick Whittington, not Widow Twanky.

Speaking of hair, if we do go on the road of elected mayors, my money now would be on our very own tonsorial tycoon, Liverpool’s Mr Teasie-Weasie, Herbert. I don’t know what political wing he’s on, if he is a left or a just a right Herbert, but this man who’s been untangling tats since he shot to fame giving Bessie Braddock her first beehive has his roots in Liverpool, and he gets them done once a month.

And he actually tried to put something back into Liverpool, for the people of the city “Blinging Liverpool into the 21st century”. Surely a winning slogan. What a tattyfreelarious mayor he would make. Mind you, there would still have to be cuts, ha ha, by Jove!

But really I don’t know what the answer is. There are all the positive aspects of Capital of Custard 2008 and the successes, hardly any of which can be attributed to the Custard Company Executive, but sadly there are the idiotic decisions, infighting and PR disasters that have come with it, the wasting of opportunities and millions of pounds, along with the appalling behaviour of some individuals, which has undermined much of the potential this year could and should have given us.

The same year when we officially and nationally became labelled as the worst council in the country. And for the icing on the cake, next year, one of the prime players in the theatre of the absurd is named as our next Mayor. No wonder me jam-butties are all curling at the edges.

I am reminded of the lines from an old television show.

There are eight million storeys in the Naked City, how the **** did we end up with this one?

Tatty bye everybody. Tatty bye.

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23 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

AnonymousAugust 13th 2008.

In Britain we stand for election, not "run"!

Professor ChucklebuttyAugust 13th 2008.

Dig, I think I need more time before joining, if that's ok. As for your position in any future administration, I have promised you that you can be in charge of the pencil sharpener and I am a man of my word. I will also consider your proposal and costing for an electric model and yes nobody else will be allowed to touch it. Stop going on about it! remember, when you were lost, it was me that found you in the airing cupboard.You are also on the shortlist to edit the new look magazine for the city Grotty People. The magazine will give people advice on how to move to London following the recent report from Dr Timothy Loonie the LSE "Boffin"The swine!I have already drawn up papers for his arrest and trial. This will be shown live on the giant Plasma Tv in the centre of town. How dare he insult the land of my fourfathers. Mother was never quite sure which of them it was. well it was dark in the air raid shelter.Just one further point,why in anything I produce, do people always put up a photograph of the master of mirth himself, Jimmy Tarbuck? Perhaps I should say no more on here, Larry never comments, but then he is probably too busy with his radiation whisk.

DigAugust 13th 2008.

What position will I be awarded when you're made Mayor then Prof?

ProfAugust 13th 2008.

Mildred is teaching me the Euphonium! Anyway you cant go to London until the probation service remove your tag.

KenAugust 13th 2008.

why can't we start a acampaign to make the Prof the Mayor then? He wouldn't need to make any public appearances - he could just be photoshopped into the Echo like the other fella. But at least, we would get a few laughs out of his column. Missus.

AnonymousAugust 13th 2008.

Dig, I wasn't haven't a dig at you! I was thinking that this piece was hilarious. You know, if you are going to run for president of Liverpool you are going to have be a lot more thick skinned, a bit like that Bradley fellow, in fact!

BaffledAugust 13th 2008.

Would someone mind telling me what the **** this bloke is going on about?

DigAugust 13th 2008.

It isn't hilarious. It was a simple figure of speech. Then again, small things....

Mike StoreyAugust 13th 2008.

Frankly I am appalled at this, it is a disgusting attack on me and all that I have given the city - Councillor Bradley for starters. I also appointed Sir Diddy. Er, on second thoughts...

POLOAugust 13th 2008.

Professor, how could you betray me this way?You swine you.I have slogged my guts out as your campaign manager and bought all that cream cheese you wanted.I have sold my soul to the Professor Y. Chucklebutty for first elected mayor of Liverpool, and you go and publically state you are supporting Herbert Hair!!!!!I've lost all my purpose on this earth now....

DigAugust 13th 2008.

I've decided I'm going to run for Mayor. I just don't know how to go about it. Do I knock on the Town Hall door and ask if I can run? Or do I blast my way in doing somersaults and kill everyone in sight Matrix style? Yeah I think I'll try that approach 1st. But 1st of all I need to be released from my Japanese slave masters.

ColinAugust 13th 2008.

Should i recognise those two chaps in the Beatles wigs?

MAugust 13th 2008.

seriously, spectacularly, funny.

AnonymousAugust 13th 2008.

Hilarious!

TeacherAugust 13th 2008.

Goodnesss me, wake up in the back will you? Have you been on another planet for the last year? Anyone who is anyone knows the work of the good Prof, scourge of the blogosphere. I reckon you have just got about another 10,000 readers for LivConf. Long may the Professor ramble.

Flo CluelessAugust 13th 2008.

I do.

Dr David GrabtheMoneyAugust 13th 2008.

Liverpool Deduct has the contract to supply pencil sharpener, stapler and desk fan. The cost for this award winning service is £72Million plus £15 Million for miscellaneous scams. If you try and buy a stapler from WHSmiths we will destroy you all.

POLOAugust 13th 2008.

That's it I resign, what with your lack of keeping me informed and the rumour going around that you and the blonde bit,(Moaning Mildred) are an item, you are just the same as the people Fogghorn wants replacing!Any way I'm off to London.

DigAugust 13th 2008.

To be elected you need to be in the running. Therefore I shall run.

Scratching headAugust 13th 2008.

Does anyone have a clue what is going on here?

DigAugust 13th 2008.

Stick around Baffled. All will become clearer in time. I once was lost like you. The Prof will lead you you in the right direction. It's a bit like an online cult and The Prof is our leader. Although it would be a cult without brainwashing. More of a wavelengthic appreciation and admiration for his rambling teachings. Although don't for a moment think he's being preachy. He just wants to share his kaleidescopic view of the world with us. So my friend. Would you like to join us or do you need more time?

DigAugust 13th 2008.

Can I be in charge of the stapler as well? You may as well utilise all of my talents. I'm pretty handy with a desk fan too.

ProfAugust 13th 2008.

Polo, once again you betray your inability to grasp intricate political strategy and ruin my plans. Did you not wonder why I wanted the cream cheese? Have you never heard of The Philadelphia Experiment? The yanks made a battleship invisible and I have constructed a similar device that I was going to aim at Herbert Scissorhands Blink Building the week before the election and make him vanish. Alright it sent half the crew mad when the yanks tried it and some disappeared into another dimension but that's a small price to pay to be able to open a new Wool Shop in Liverpool One or have tea with Cilla. I would have stepped heroically into the breech to lead the search! Now I'll have to go into hiding before the Cheese Disposal Squad from the CIA turn up with a battering ram. Can you leave strategy to me and concentrate on bribing the voters with one of my Super-Jam-bananas.

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