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The elusive O

Laura Marsden on the quest for the female orgasm, including a straw poll of how many of her friends have never had one...

Published on December 19th 2008.

The elusive O

The elusive O

Laura Marsden on the quest for the female orgasm, including a straw poll of how many of her friends have never had one...

For many years now, women have been allowed to go to the toilet, vote, smoke in the street, speak and have sex. Not only are we allowed to have it, we’re allowed to have orgasms. We’ve come a long way. But, um, have we actually come that much?


I’ve always thought it would make a great name for a car. The Ford Clitoris. The Clitoris GTI coupe with fuel injection, metallic paint and really nice alloy wheels.

When I was little I remember seeing Cosmopolitan in the hairdressers; all that bright, shouty, eighties gloss about 'The Power of O' and 'How to Find the Perfect O'. Naturally I assumed that O was a missing person. As I hit puberty and found a copy of The Story of O, that added to my confusion. Orgasm is a weird word too. Sounds like spasm. Bit scary when you’re 11.

You get older, and Basic Instinct comes out, you see a lot of ladies oohing and aahing in films and on telly. You think, hmm, maybe one day I’ll ooh and ahh and pull a face as if a massive anvil has been dropped on my foot from a great height. You read More! magazine (coz ‘smart girls get more’) and assume that the first time someone fingers you, the earth will move – or possibly stop - and fireworks will go off.

Hmm. Yeah. Right, more of a damp squib. Far from pyrotechnic. So...what do you do? You learn how to become an extravagant wanker.

Surely this idea of female orgasms being elusive is irrelevant nowadays? Like the way that once upon a time, they were a myth. Hasn’t every woman experienced the super tingly all over release of an orgasm and kicked the patriarchy in the prostrate?

I recently asked 15 of my friends, mostly in their mid-to-late twenties, about their orgasms. My jaw clanged on the floor when four of them told me they had never had one. And neither had two of their mums. Even on solo missions. Nearly 30 per cent of my friends have never come. I’m shocked and sympathetic. I can’t believe we haven’t discussed it before. We’re still having crisis talks and creating massive email threads on Facebook right now.

Women are so complicated and so are our orgasms. That is a good thing. It means they are better, more intense. According to Islamic tradition, 'Almighty God created sexual desires in ten parts; then he gave nine parts to women and one to men.' We should be coming out of our ears. There is a fair amount to deal with though, I suppose it could be confusing…

Firstly you’ve got the clitoris which Americans pronounce differently to us. I’ve always thought it would make a great name for a car. The Ford Clitoris. The Clitoris GTI coupe with fuel injection, metallic paint and really nice alloy wheels. Whatever. Shania Twain buggered up big time when she failed to mention that the clitoris is ‘the best thing about being a woman’. It’s your ticket to (multiple) orgasm. I dislike the way clitori are always described as being a ‘hooded’ bit of skin as it doesn’t conjure a pretty image. But without it, you cannot come. And come. And come. And come.

(Incidentally, next time you start whinging about how cold it is, be thankful you don’t live in Egypt where 90 per cent of women are circumcised – that means their clitoris is hacked off and flicked into the bin.)

The next thing to consider with regard to orgasms is the G spot. Discovered by a German man called Mr Grafenberg, there is much controversy as to whether this exists. I think it does. But it isn’t easy to find and you’re better off trying with a partner as it can take a while and you need to be pretty aroused in order to feel it.

Mastering the clitoris will give you an orgasm but getting to grips with the G spot gives you a better one. The type that may induce a strong desire to roll over and fall fast asleep. Vaginal orgasms can lead to female ejaculation but that’s even more controversial than the G spot. A lot of gynaecologists reckon it’s just a bit of wee coming out.

Fundamentally, there’s no point in having sex if you’re not going to at least try to come. There are no excuses for just lying there and expecting it to happen. As only 30-40 per cent of women can achieve climax through penetration alone, chances are you, and/or your partner, will have to use fingers, or some kind of vibrator to stimulate your clitoris.

Master that and you’re well on your way to achieving the truly elusive simultaneous orgasm.

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57 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

zabzyDecember 19th 2008.

Its not a hairdresses TT actually its a coupe, Hairdressers have Roadsters

emma graceDecember 19th 2008.

Wonder what Sajid would make of all this...someone needs to come along and take offence to this rant, surely!!

Colonel KutzDecember 19th 2008.

Gezzabelle lets get one thing clear i am a Colonel not a General.Got to go now and do a helicopter assualt on viet cong ville. Romeo Charlie shall we dance?

zabzyDecember 19th 2008.

Sounds like will owns a roadster

AnonymousDecember 19th 2008.

I know Dave - he is - grrrrr

zabzyDecember 19th 2008.

I dont have a girlfriend, she left me because I used to shout "twenty quid" and slap her on the back of the head like in the tv comercial

scoteeeDecember 19th 2008.

Zabzy, it's people like you that give men a bad name!...

Colnel KutzDecember 19th 2008.

Only once princess and we set more than the house on fire.

daveDecember 19th 2008.

Your comments don't demonstrate a serious nor intellectual view Zabzy.They are idiotic comments most of which appear to be of an attention seeking natureYou will note from MOST of the immediate silence to your dumb comments;overall you are ignored.I would strongly disagree with your generalist statement offering what you describe as "fact"and say that your ignorance is quite tiresome...

T MarkhamDecember 19th 2008.

It's a good article is all. And funny too. Treat it like that and everything's fine. If lonely Zabzy wants to make himself into a complete fool then that's his business: if he upsets people like Gezzabelle then it's not so funny. Let's not worry about him.

emma graceDecember 19th 2008.

...and restaurants that charge for tap water...

zabzyDecember 19th 2008.

I love how women write about how they have an orgasm like we actually care!! (deleted comment for being crude and unfunny, see below - Editorial)

3 things to start a quick fire rantDecember 19th 2008.

sex,religion and the congestion charge.

scoteeeDecember 19th 2008.

Mark,I dont see the relevance of this topic on this part of the site.I merely pointed out that body confidential would be a better location?In fact it's quite clear that the artical is feminine related and doesn't require much if any input from men,If it does belong on here then why have "body confidential" in the first place?We are all human-no?

GebelleDecember 19th 2008.

Bless you Zabzy. The crude but not funny charge still stands. As does that very perceptive charge of using lol. If people can't see a joke, if it's expressed so aggressively as to be alarming, then it's not really there is it.

Chrissy BDecember 19th 2008.

Maybe you should do one of those vote things - such as the one you have now about all the public money being spent on health ads - on whether we keep Zabzy on the site. I vote no, because by being crude he thinks he's being honest and direct, when he isn't. Does he really think that's all men want to do with women during sex - take? Never share? I wonder does he have a girlfriend and does she read this? Poor lonely man.

SausagesDecember 19th 2008.

School. He's on school holidays. Just wait until his mum finds out. She'll probably confiscate his wii.

surface2airDecember 19th 2008.

Come on Zabzy i I think you should be lord mayor of Manchester not that i am grooming you in a sexual sense.K eep up the good work.

emma graceDecember 19th 2008.

Have you ever met Zabzy colnel? I have a feeling you two would get along like a house on fire...

scoteeeDecember 19th 2008.

surely thios artical should be in body confidential..you are asking for the likes of zabzy and nice guy carl to get involved now i'm afraid!!!!off you go lads!

scoteeeDecember 19th 2008.

i rest my case.

zabzyDecember 19th 2008.

there really are a lot of uptight people in Manchester. The fact that you take my comments seriously says more about your level of intellect than it does mine!

Tom ShilburnDecember 19th 2008.

That's funny about lol though. You go on all the football sites and the ones which just go on about television and everybody is using lol.

MENDecember 19th 2008.

Any chance we can have poll on men cuming too please?or would that be seen as distasteful?

scoteeeDecember 19th 2008.

lmao @ MS G

daveDecember 19th 2008.

Yes, would'nt want blood and guts all over the inside of that hairdressers TT of yours would we?

HeatseekerDecember 19th 2008.

Bugger my girlfriend left me last week after microwaving the hampsters and setting fire to the gaff!Anyone fancy putting me up?

Baffled as usualDecember 19th 2008.

does this Zabzy do any real work? does he not have a life?

You don't know what ur missing out on !December 19th 2008.


Colonel KutzDecember 19th 2008.

I love the smell of burning ass in the morning.

Colonel Kutz wifeDecember 19th 2008.

The Colonel often causes a bush fire in the morning.

leighDecember 19th 2008.

Gezabelle pull your head out your arse you are coming across as a spoilt school girl...(no pun intended)

zabzyDecember 19th 2008.

Gezzabelle.. the point is i dont care if they come!!!

daveDecember 19th 2008.

That's right... she did struggle to speak.

scoteeeDecember 19th 2008.

Jeez Zabzy, I bet Vatsyayana would have been shi**ing himself if he'd have known you were around when he wrote the Kamasutra!

chrissyhotchickDecember 19th 2008.

(deleted comment for being crude and unfunny, see above - Editorial)

zabzyDecember 19th 2008.

hillarious, I am glad I wore my corsett today as i fear my sides may have split.

zabzyDecember 19th 2008.

(deleted comment for being crude and unfunny, see below - Editorial)

scoteeeDecember 19th 2008.

who's jamie? have i missed sumthin'.Zabzy your being a nob now!

vort aboutDecember 19th 2008.

bum fun ,very very much safer and no worry bout playing vit wegetable!

Will KennedyDecember 19th 2008.

This Zabzy is using ManCon as his own personal message board. Surely that's not right. I really truly hope he is on school holidays and his mum bans him soon, because I'm finding he puts me off reading stuff on here. Editor I think you should do something.

zabzyDecember 19th 2008.

Another excellent gag there Dave

GezzabelleDecember 19th 2008.

leigh, sorry to be coming across as a 'spolit school girl'. I was just annoyed that after reading what it a good article, I scroll to the bottom and then see a load of immature rants. I read it and thought, hmm interesting I wonder what the general consensus will be about the female orgasm because I thought it was interesting that a few of the writer's friends had never even enjoyed an orgasm! I find that quite shocking actually. Its a shame if women don't enjoy sex because it can be really amazing. That's all.

zabzyDecember 19th 2008.

wow dave you must be a devil with the ladies

surface2airDecember 19th 2008.

I like Zabzy keep up the good work and dont let the b******d grind you down .Come on matey

Nice Guy CarlDecember 19th 2008.

and my love of flying with angels

GezzabelleDecember 19th 2008.

How grown up of you all! Zazby, I bet you have never made a girl orgasm in your life!

zabzyDecember 19th 2008.

lol only women could be so stupid as to not even be able to make themself come.... if you cant do it what chance to we have?

Jonathan Schofield - editorDecember 19th 2008.

Mark. Let him incriminate himself. By the way there is one absolute rule on the web. Anybody who types LOL or lol is a fool. And guess what there is only one person on our comment boards who types lol. Still the worst rants here I'll get rid of. They trangress the Confidential rule: we don't mind crude but if they're crude they have to be funny.

Mark Garner, The PublisherDecember 19th 2008.

Jonathan, this is a pretty serious article that needs some serious discussion. Is this one of the times we should invoke our right of edit and remove zabsy who clearly has too much time on his hands, et al, along with dropping it onto Body Confidential?

DigDecember 19th 2008.

Anybody want any directions, whether you're driving a TT or not give me a shout.

daveDecember 19th 2008.

To play you at your own game Zabzy,I was in and out of your's before you noticed...

Michael WestDecember 19th 2008.

Being a great fan of Durex Avanti (the one that taste like old bike tyres with a strawberry hint), not sure what the article is meant to do. If I recall from my schoolboy fumblings with a very distressed copy of The Book of O, the poor girl wasn't emancipated in the world of feminism, she got in with a bad lot who made her come a lot. mmmmm genital mutilation in Egypt - very true and very sad, but not really necessary in this article. Next time if your brief is 500 words keep it in context, empower women and explain.

viva chris ronaldDecember 19th 2008.

I think ive found your christmas present Emma Grace!

zabzyDecember 19th 2008.

I got a trick on how to make a woman orgasm, get her to.... (deleted comment for being crude and unfunny, see below - Editorial)

zabzyDecember 19th 2008.

right am off to my xmas party so feel free to insult me and i will reply tomorrow

emma graceDecember 19th 2008.

Aww Jamie, you're too kind...

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