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Snow exclusive: it’s both cold and wet

Delegation to visit God to complain about His ‘Acts’ - “Never had it so good”, says Whinge group

Published on February 2nd 2009.

Snow exclusive: it’s both cold and wet

There have been flurries of whinging across the British Isles overnight as snow falls. The whining is expected to continue throughout the week.

Radio phone-in people with little time or logic have been protesting en masse. “Typical isn’t it? Bit of snow and the whole bleeding country grinds to a halt. Pathetic,” they said to anybody who was listening. “We propose that the UK spends at least £10bn a year on providing state-of-the-art emergency vehicles, gritters and ploughs for the four days a year we need them. We must prepare ourselves, like northern Norway and Sweden, where they have several weeks of frozen conditions, even though our situation is in no way similar and it would make no sense.”

More protests have followed from striking British Snowmen. “This Russian snow shows what state the country is in,” Mr Nosecarrot told us. “This will mean Russian snowmen on British Streets. We know these are being paid less than we are. Didn’t Gordon Brown say: ‘British snowmen for British people’?”

What is that white stuff?

The Society for having a Nice Old Whinge (SNOW) has issued a more upbeat statement. “It’s been a bumper year so far,” said spokesperson Robert Peston. “Job cuts, bust banks, strikes and now this snow to moan about. Let’s hope things get worse.”

Danger: snow can be cold

Not everybody is unhappy. A spokeschild for CHILDREN, a group of small people who look like adults but are younger, said, “This is great, can we have some more snow?” Newspaper and broadcast groups are also said to be pleased as snow makes for an easy story.

Meanwhile Police and Health Groups are expected to issue various health and safety warnings. They said: “We always issue these types of warnings, about every aspect of your lives including the weather. This justifies all the pointless and costly back room staff we have wasting money that could be spent on snow-clearing equipment and so forth.”

In a surprise move the Society of British Insurers are to appeal to a higher authority. They’ve said: “A delegation is to be sent to God to see if anything can be done about the snow. We find this individual’s so-called ‘acts’ quite unacceptable in today’s society. They need to be stamped out.”

Pope Benedict XVI (Herr Ratzinger), is to appoint someone with extreme right wing views to look into the matter of ‘snow’ to see if a remarkably insensitive statement can be released.

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29 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

DisgruntledFebruary 2nd 2009.

I am personally disgusted at this latest invasion into the British isles, does no-one remember back in 1919 when we invented snow ??!?! Have things got that bad that we’re even outsourcing our weather arrangement to Russia because its production is higher and less likely to strike due to being underpaid!!! I will personally be writing to my local MP to level my disgust at yet another British industry being outsourced to another country!!!

KarenFebruary 2nd 2009.

Thank God you've explained it? I had no idea what that white stuff was?

KellyFebruary 2nd 2009.

You call this snow?! I'm from Vermont. I had more snow than this drifting under my bedroom door.

CastlefieldFebruary 2nd 2009.

I'm getting slightly concerned by the rants today. Obviously too much snow in Manchester.

Jamie ChedbeFebruary 2nd 2009.

That tickled me over my work computer. I say bring on the snow. Might send my own delegation to God

Dr GooFebruary 2nd 2009.

Ah yes the Tomorrow Children. Very interesting...

esquiloFebruary 2nd 2009.

Such a flippant attitude to this disastrous weather! There is at least half an inch of slush outside my gaff. Something must be done!

JimFebruary 2nd 2009.

Keep it in perspective heathen, does it bring you as much sadness as Jesus dying on the cross for your sins? No, it doesn't does it.

AlFebruary 2nd 2009.

As a devout protestant I am greatly offened by the need of a catholic to once again try and force their faith on others. Patricia McC comments are clearly against the "multi-faith" community that we in Manchester embrace your comments bring sadness to me :(

Patricia McCFebruary 2nd 2009.

As a devout Catholic I find your comments about the Holy Father very gratuitous. What has he got to do with a bogus snow story? I'm sure you'll get lots of people unsubscribing.

chingFebruary 2nd 2009.

let it ching, let it ching, let it ching

I've got it AlFebruary 2nd 2009.

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

Charlie CFebruary 2nd 2009.

Hasn't it been snowing for ages at Panacea? And the Circle.

JimFebruary 2nd 2009.

I don't think he went up on the cross for you Al, the other guy's got your soul covered

CarlosFebruary 2nd 2009.

I saw it on the news and thought nice one, my mate Simon gets snow all the time but it's well expensive, how cool that it's falling from the sky for free. So I stand there for minutes, letting it fall on my nose whilst I sniffed ferociously but all I got was a cold nose and an icy drip down my throat, I guess nothing in life is free, Shame :(

PaulFebruary 2nd 2009.

I take it the kids will be of tomorrow too

Dr ChiFebruary 2nd 2009.

I love the snow! Bring on more!!!Where's best to go sledging??? Anyone?

Mr Professor DoctorFebruary 2nd 2009.

I agree, we first knitted snow before the Boer War and now lots of other countries have stolen our designs, even frozen it and made houses from it. Cheese is good though. Pencil crayons too.

trevor weatherFebruary 2nd 2009.

It is funny how stupid people moan about our lack of preparation when it snows. It'd be such a waste of resources to spend more. We do not have anything like the conditions in Norway.

PaulFebruary 2nd 2009.

A slip of my cold blobs or pigs tits !

AlFebruary 2nd 2009.

No it doesnt sadden me at all Jim. Does it make you weep every night that he went up on the cross for me and you? Waste of time wasn't it? Onto more pressing issues I suggest burning all meat in Manchester (possibly using the B of the bang like a giant kebab) in a sacrifice to apologise to God!!!

George RowleyFebruary 2nd 2009.

Anyway back to the snow after that religious diversion. Hands up those who are right now pretending they live in the hills and need to go home.

J MurrayFebruary 2nd 2009.

'Pope Benedict XVI (Herr Ratzinger), is to appoint someone with extreme right wing views to look into the matter of ‘snow’ to see if a remarkably insensitive statement can be released.' Given that your Papa has brought back into the fold a Nazi-apologist and a person who seriously thinks the New Orleans hurricane was divine retribution for lax morals (an oddly localised one methinks) I reckon the skit is spot on.

John McNuggetFebruary 2nd 2009.

gratuitous = being without apparent reason, cause, or justification: a gratuitous insult...... for all of us that got our english education off the back of a Kellogs pack

AeronFebruary 2nd 2009.

As a devout atheist I object to providing publicity for the Society of British Insurers and their unscrupulous, free-market ways. Anyway, who's this 'God' chap they're going to see?

MaggsFebruary 2nd 2009.

Absolutely great article!! I rely on Manc.Confidential to tell us the truth and, once again you have not failed me!!

Nick SykesFebruary 2nd 2009.

Snow. Let it snow. Let it snow. You're right about the police and the Pope there....very funny

AnonymousFebruary 2nd 2009.

Yes charile but you miss the point this is Russian snow where as at panacea they have to ship theirs in from south america...

AlFebruary 2nd 2009.

Sweet, good to know someones got me covered either way

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