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Northern Children to be Farmed

It's time to give our children a real leg up in the south

Published on August 14th 2008.

Northern Children to be Farmed

Following influential think tank Policy Exchange's report that certain northern cities are 'beyond revival' (click here) comes another report that northern children should be farmed out to cockneys at the age of twelve. This will allow them to develop as good southerners and give them a better chance in life.

“Everybody knows that northern children speak in funny voices and always eat chips and coal in a climate of constant rain,” Professor U Genix of think tank Unelectable Again, says. “They really don't have any chance to better themselves. For example they find it very hard to get jobs in the City and embarass themselves holding knives and forks wrongly when they eat out. Taking children from their alcoholic parents at twelve and intensively farming them in the Home Counties would really give them a good gee up."

He continued, "This would tie in with what our Tory party advising colleagues Policy Exchange have said. By taking children from towns and cities such as Bradford, Liverpool and Sunderland these places would inevitably whither away and we wouldn't have to pay all their benefits."

Boris Johnson, the Mayor of London told us, "Yes...er...very sensible idea, northern cities a bit of twaddle...turn them into golf courses. What about making Bradford a great little cycle track for me old mate Dave Cameron. Blimey..or even..I say, shall I try to be the first elected mayor of Liverpool...they..er...love me, don't they. Is Sunderland even in Britain?"

Some popular Cockney expressions and what they mean:

Call me a sinner, call me a saint - We're the home of the Queen, you've got Wayne and Colleen
Follow the van - Speak proper like wot I do, would ya?
Apples and pears - Stop chewing lard.

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DrakeAugust 14th 2008.

What was reall yodd about that report is that, last time I looked Bradford is run by a Tory council. Not because the urban ultra-poor have gone all Sam Smiles, but because the council is dominated by the rural (and very rich) villages and towns around. So, exactly what does the think-tank mean by 'Bradford'? Or any of the other cities for that matter.

smittyAugust 14th 2008.

Kev P I was all set to go until you mentioned there not being any grass - where will I walk my whippet? Now pass me a jellied eel, roll out the barrel and raise a toast to the old queen mum - gawd bless 'er.

Kev PAugust 14th 2008.

Haha, I love this! I imagine there is already a plan for it deep in tory HQ for when the electorate are stupid enough to vote them in again! Well, I'd love to stay and chat but I can't go on with this miserable, coal eating life anymore. I'm off to London where the grass is greener! (Do they have any grass?)

SusanAugust 14th 2008.

Bradford of the future - WANT.

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