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News in Brief

Cox has galaxy named after him, Balotelli made City captain, Daily Mail wrong, new trams

Published on April 1st 2011.

News in Brief

All right, that was an April Fools' Day treat for you.

BRIAN COX, the Manchester University astro-physics boffin and presenter of the BBC series ‘Standing in front of Sunsets saying Grand Things’, is to have a galaxy named after him. Galaxy producers, Mars Ltd, have said: ‘It will be a specially created, unique Galaxy that will celebrate the famous ‘space’ personality, feature his name, and have a new recipe that will include extra C:Ream. It will taste like a D:Ream.’ Confidential asked if the advertising line would be something like: “Have you ever let Cox melt in your mouth?” “No,” said a Mars spokesman.

THE DAILY MAIL has admitted being wrong about the BBC move to Salford. In a statement released today the alleged newspaper said: “We’ve realized that some people don’t actually dislike the North, they just don’t want to move their families two hundred miles away when some of their kids are established in schools. We realize this is perfectly normal human behaviour. We apologize for making stories up out of nothing and further to that, we acknowledge in the long run a move out of London will be cheaper for the tax-payer.” The Daily Mail is 115 years old and wrote articles supporting Hitler's Germany during the 1930s.

ROBERTO MANCINI has confirmed he will make Mario Balotelli the Manchester City Captain for the FA Cup Semi-Final against Manchester United. “Mario, is a very good person, a very nice man, but every now and then he has his problems such as scraping his studs down the chests of opposition players. By giving him the captaincy I know that he will repay my trust and lead the players to victory at Wembley. No matter how frequently Paul Scholes miss-times his tackles I have been assured by Mario that he won’t react aggressively.” But what does Vincent Kompany the present captain think about this? “Doesn’t matter. I’ve put so much of my reputation into signing Mario I really have no choice,” said Mancini.

METROLINK has announced they are drafting in Manchester-based Civilian Military Fitness (CMF) to consult on the re-design of trams. Metrolink bosses have ordered cost cutting in excess of 75% on the tram network. They have drafted in CMF to help with ‘Project Flintstone’; which Metrolink claim will also help tackle the obesity crisis. Under the plans, the current tracks and motors will be replaced by holes in the foot wells for passengers to put their feet through and run, with the driver in charge of steering and braking. A Metrolink spokesperson said: “We had a ‘Eureka!’ moment whilst watching re-runs of the Flintstones.”

This week in 1829: The Hacienda night club opened.

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5 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

James KayApril 1st 2011.

Ha ha! Great stuff!

Sue17320April 1st 2011.

Do you know none of the above would surprise me except the Daily Mail apology! Mmm, Galaxy, Brian Cox, tasty! Thanks for the giggle.

RocManApril 1st 2011.

Brilliant - loved Cox and Balotelli

The Daily MashApril 1st 2011.

Our lawyers will be in touch...;-)

BmitApril 1st 2011.

Hugely good

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