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Manchester Confidential to suspend itself

Following complaints Manchester Confidential is to discipline itself and do something or other: also breaking news about new Doctor Who

Published on October 30th 2008.


Manchester Confidential to suspend itself

Manchester Confidential has decided to suspend itself.

Articles and features on Manchester’s premier independent magazine over the last eighteen months have resulted in numerous complaints – some from people who can even spell correctly.

Here at Manchester Confidential we have been forced to acknowledge that this site has been guilty of being cruel and insensitive about waiters (including ones from Barcelona), chefs, restaurants, political figures, buildings, small-minded local newspapers and many other well respected figures of Manchester life who find it unfair to be criticised in any way, whatsoever.

Confidential deeply regrets simply ripping up the manuel (surely manual, ed?) on what is allowable in the Manchester media, namely polite trivia written in the offended tone of a Daily Mail reader from Bramhall who finds things in cities a bit troubling. It promises to go much further over the next eighteen months.

Gordo Brand, the publisher, appeared visibly pissed...er...upset on the steps of the Spear Street headquarters of Confidential this morning, as he issued the following statement.

“It is with deep regret that I have decided to suspend the site because of what I, the publisher, the editor, and others, have repeatedly written. As I only do the site to make people laugh and give them an alternative view of city life I've decided, given the outrage, to carry on regardless."

A short while ago, a smug...er shaken... Jonathan Dosh exclusively told Confidential: “I understand Gordo’s decision completely. He has to go. As for me I’m deeply sorry and greatly regret the upset and distress that my juvenile and thoughtless remarks have caused. To show how sorry I am, I will take a huge pay cut from £16m a year to £24m a year with immediate effect. Does anybody want me to come round and make gratuitous sexual remarks about their family?”

David Walliams of Little Britain told Confidential: “The whole thing smacks of hypocrisy. In our show we would never go as far as the comments Jonathan Dosh made. Next he’ll be laughing at disabled people, mocking the uneducated and mentioning anal sex acts and bestiality in a Welsh context. It’s too much. Does anybody want me to come round dressed as a woman and suckle on a mother figure?”

The BBC is 86-years-old and very, very confused.

Breaking news......

Following David Tennant standing down as Doctor Who at the National Television Awards last night, Russell Brand has agreed to take on the role. Brand told Confidential: “I’m going to use the Tardis and travel back in time: make sure none of this unfortunate business ever happened.”

On other pages today

Whooah! Who are the fittest grand-daughters (aged 20 plus) of actors today: our top ten. IN FULL COLOUR!

Andrew Sachs wonders is this story bigger than any other since World War II. Or is it even bigger than that?

Julie Birchill asks: 'Doesn't the name Sachs sound like the world sex?"

The Director General speaks out: "Who the hell do those foul mouthed bastards think they are?"

Like what you see? Enter your email to sign up for our newsletters which are chock-a-block with more great reviews, news, deals and savings.

94 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

HyperopianOctober 30th 2008.

In deepest, darkest Hyperopia, a small knot of Private Eye readers have just spent the last ten minutes in hysterics.

john leslieOctober 30th 2008.

i used him once

Bernard ManningOctober 30th 2008.

....and race has been used for comedic purposes for 100s of years. It's peoples tolerance and visions of 'political correctness' that has shifted.

scoteeeOctober 30th 2008.

is it?

Satanic SlutOctober 30th 2008.

I'm sure the video footage on free access of her soft porn antics have upset him far worse than either. I do feel for Andrew Sachs - but what Brand/Ross done is nothing compared to what his family has done to itself. The BBC should stand up for this....and re-instate Ross and beg Brand to come back to show that they do not bow to Daily Mail reading morons

mark mOctober 30th 2008.

i was merely overreacting to the point!!

scoteeeOctober 30th 2008.

Srabee Ms Grace carries an old water bottle in her handbag,what do you think ?

scoteeeOctober 30th 2008.

Nah, I'm sure Ms Grace is happily married.Besides, I'm like action man me, eagles eyes, bad undies and no bits!So watch out bee, I may already have a room and I may be under your bed (have you never seen Toy Story) ????

lesleyOctober 30th 2008.

Oy Bernard - she did state it in the past tense

emma graceOctober 30th 2008.

enough "toilet talk" everyone...ho ho ho

Brussel SproutsOctober 30th 2008.

Is not penis... Is hamster.

emma graceOctober 30th 2008.

Ah...I think I get it Dig. Shabby chic??

DigOctober 30th 2008.

Ha Ha collared on ManCon. I'm not after another blind date from ManCon Angie. Not at all. I'm seeing Cheney tomorrow I'll have you know!!

DigOctober 30th 2008.

Yeah go up the rants a bit and read how Scotee or Egyptian Nun describes you. Same person? It will all become clear!!

BenOctober 30th 2008.

Well what can I say I've just listened to it on you tube and honestly what is all the fuss about. Also what the f##k is Gorden Brown getting involved for? Gorden I f##ked your wife!

JohnOctober 30th 2008.

Russell Brand is one ugly sod with a lousy idea of humour, he would be better off sweeping the streets, rather than spewing insults from his big mouth

AnonymousOctober 30th 2008.

Is this some kind of private joke could u be more specific. What r u talking about.......

LesleyOctober 30th 2008.

You're right Emma, anyway now we've done that do you fancy some Kerry Katona bashing : )

scoteeeOctober 30th 2008.

Race, religion, bad language, politics, sexism, Hitler, Ethiopia, old people and each one of us have all been subject to the comedic irony that has presented it's self in history. Even the Queen gets a battering at times. We all have standards and we all have levels of tolerance for shock...when we go to see a comedian, read a book, listen to or watch a broadcast, each one of us is affected in a different manner based on our own life experience. When jobs and careers are at stake, it always amazes me how each one of us has an opinion on “what is” and isn’t tasteful. We are all hypocrites, this is what makes us who we are, otherwise we will always believe the same things and never altar develop or change. We read the newspapers and take notice of the stories to be influenced and cast a new opinion, this then transcends it’s self in to future decisions we make about ourselves and others.I say “be prepared to die by the sword in the field in which you choose to swing it” Russell and Jonathan have got more gob than a cow’s got C**T!!!!!

scoteeeOctober 30th 2008.

Like sisters!

scoteeeOctober 30th 2008.

Super, you have a deal...name the venue and i'll even chuck in an extra large lemon grass tea bag!!!

DigOctober 30th 2008.

Emma could you make your bags with a little Honda logo? They would go down a treat. We're an extremely eco minded company.

seabeeOctober 30th 2008.

does anyone else remember russell brand when he used to be a rent boy at the gents toilets victoria station.he never use to have change of a fiver but would accept luncheon vouchers though.bless him.

DigOctober 30th 2008.

Don't be shy. Let ManCon and Gordo sort you out with somewhere nice. They won't expect you to cosy up and embarrass you. Actually who am I kidding?, you've seen the pictures and those poses weren't our idea! Still, got pampered and REALLY well looked after. Go on Gordo, sort that boudoir for the lucky couple!

GaryOctober 30th 2008.

This whole thing says far more about the British public than it does about those two comedians. Majority of the 18000 complainers haven’t heard the clip – merely read a carefully selected transcript in the Daily Mail. The granddaughter – the soft-porn actress, founding member of ‘Satanic Sluts’ who DID sleep with Russell Brand is now so upset by the whole thing….that she’s sold the story to The Sun!!! The boys were OTT – The BBC showed poor judgement in allowing it to be aired, but these two comedians are famed for being sensationalist and ‘close to the knuckle’ – thus when Andrew Sachs stood them up – they were bound to get humourous revenge… They went a bit far. Big deal. Grubby comedian sh*gs grubbier porn-star – both then tell the nation about it, 3 people complain….17997 more jump on bandwagon!! I hope the BBC does sack Jonathan Ross and let Sky pick him up and let him get on with it.

seabeeOctober 30th 2008.

thanks hottie.i always say if you can make some laugh its been worth getting up.hey john leslie how much did he charge you?i used greensheild stamps wish i hadnt now i had enough to get an ashtray plus my mum was furious when she found out i nicked hers to spend on a third rate comdidian and a second rate rent boy.ah well you live and learn amigos.p.s emma grace sounds foxy are you?

emma graceOctober 30th 2008.

The girl in question has now given a frank and detailed interview in the paper about her experience with Russell Brand, rating his performance in the bedroom etc. Surely that's going to upsed Sachs just as much as hearing the messages from Brand and Ross??/

mark mOctober 30th 2008.

EG has shown herself in the course of this rant to be shallow, stupid and pathetically pc,or non=pc depending on which rant u read.awesome

emma graceOctober 30th 2008.

Well as you know, I am 100% the plastic carrier bags. So I'll do you a deal...you agree to buy at least 10 of my home made, environmentally friendly carrier bags (you remember, the ones you saw on my stall this morning), and I'll join you for a herbal tea!

Michael WestOctober 30th 2008.

I have a sense of humour but from the transcripts it just seems like a pair of a**eholes filling airtime. The story of Bland and Woss and the recording being signed off raises more questions than answers. Why the story was kicked around Fleet St for a week until it hit this weekends papers. Bland is the new Kenny Everett and no doubt Vanity Productions (Blander's company) has a separate contract with Aunty anyway and presumably Aunty will have to pay up until the contract runs out. I don't see how anybody could compare the off-beat humour of MC to the happy slapping of Blandier and Woose. It like saying that Mark Steel and Bernard Manning deserve equal respect for their take on society. Enough that. Hey in 1990, June 30th - I watched the Cameroon game in a seedy hotel room on the corner of Blackfriars with Jude Law and some guy whose dad played the equalizer. Followed by a trip to L'Gitanes and the Press Club. Do recall any sex but I lost a fiver at pool.

LesleyOctober 30th 2008.

I personally want to stick Kerry and her a*se of a husband in the Jungle. No camera's no celebrity crowns just to leave them there to rot. Forever!And just to hark back to the racist row/freedom of speech etc. As a natural blonde (although I do 'enhance it - a lot) I get at least one blonde joke email per day. Sometimes they are even funny! Point is - I don't get offended and I probably would get the mickey taken out of me if I did get upset.

emma graceOctober 30th 2008.

Sounds like your experience was a pretty good one then Lesley. All I'd say to that is he's not got his reputation for telling "safe" racist jokes and buying people drinks has he? I've heard some of his stuff that is, undeniably racist. That said, it's always the negative elements that are scrutinized and that the public dwells on isn't it...

emma graceOctober 30th 2008.

Oh you're my kind of girl Lesley. I'm ALWAYS up for some Kerry how-the-hell-am-i-still-on-tv Katona bashing!!!

emma graceOctober 30th 2008.

Scoteee you know my trusty water bottle comes everywhere with me...we come as a package I'm afraid!! lol

john leslieOctober 30th 2008.

i like ms ballie

AngieOctober 30th 2008.

Do you mind conducting your conversation on the Liverpool Confidential site, Dig? We know what you are up to. Trying to get another blind date on Manchester, aren't you?

emma graceOctober 30th 2008.

Does anyone else also think it's a bit hypocritical that these two are being so severely punished for what they did, when comedians like Bernard Manning were allowed to continue spouting their racist drivel without repremand???

DigOctober 30th 2008.

We all have a choice what we watch and listen to. If you don't like something just turn over. It's a bit like being in bed with your partner.

Bernard ManningOctober 30th 2008.

Emma - I agree with you. The people at fault are the BBC and the Daily Mail readers who have jumped on the bandwagon despite not hearing the 'offending' piece - nor ever hearing Brand of Ross perform - simply just taking their opinion from the afore mentioned Daily Mail.

scoteeeOctober 30th 2008.

Seabee, I wonder, are you starting to build a "foxy" picture of Ms G yet? Just to let you know where I stand. I have her stood outside Somerfield’s in Piccadilly gardens with 14 aged plastic bottles crammed in to a 12 year old C&A carrier bag that her Grandma has given her from the top drawer of the kitchenette. She is dressed in a bright orange duffle coat, with bright pink (N0.7) blusher and those gloves with the finger ends missing, stripy black and green tights and hair like a busted settee!

LesleyOctober 30th 2008.

methinks you would

emma graceOctober 30th 2008.

Was he? Oh I don't know...I'm up to my eyes in used water bottles here!!

emma graceOctober 30th 2008.

Aww isn't that nice...so a success then! No he hasn't, and please, let's not remind him about that!!

scoteeeOctober 30th 2008.

See???? Hypocrites!,hahaha. I reckon Ms G should empty her warm bottle of recycled water on the pair of them !

DigOctober 30th 2008.

I must use the same hairdresser as you Emma. This picture is on the wall. images1.comstock.com/…/C0038196.jpg…

StellaOctober 30th 2008.

I think it is pathetic - where will it end. All down to daily mail readers..arragh

scoteeeOctober 30th 2008.

Right, i'm off to Iceland (the supermarket chain) for a bit of Kerry's hand made "fat bird apple pie"!apparently she's on the check out now and I can get 2 for 1!!!

scoteeeOctober 30th 2008.

Ok Ms G, perhaps we can do a deal on the carrier bags then ?

beeOctober 30th 2008.

scotee and emma grace need to get a room.....

Paul WebbOctober 30th 2008.

im watching your activities today Dig!!!

scoteeeOctober 30th 2008.

My My Ms G, you can hold it in for that long?and you still have not been yet ??? Well I am sure that pair of the dirt bags will appreciate some watersports!!!

emma graceOctober 30th 2008.

Yes, I figured that seeing as you have no hair, you just wanted an opportunity to show off your latest designer furniture purchases. I don't get it personally, but maybe you Scousers have a different sense of style to us. It's beyone me!

Egyptian NunOctober 30th 2008.

Oooh Dear sorry Gordo,she did say it was all in good taste,however she did go to the circle club too and to be fair,does represent a dustbin !!!

DigOctober 30th 2008.

Carrier bags of mass destruction. That's a war we should fight and win. I'm fed up with bags splitting and destroying my contents in the car park. You round up the troops, I'll get the ammo. I think the girl in my local shop is on carrier bags side. She offered to put a newspaper in a bag for me. Nothing else, just a paper. She is going down too!

LesleyOctober 30th 2008.

Although I think Ross and Brand were out of order after all Andrew Sachs is a nice old man, it has been blown out of all proportion. But,the granddaughter saying she feels humiliated and is disgusted about her private life being exposed should maybe kept her mouth shut! Double page spread in the Daily Sport today with pictures of her in a porn film - quite graphic. The dirty little minx!

GeoffreyOctober 30th 2008.

I have had Andrew Sachs granddaughter .... rubbish s..g

emma graceOctober 30th 2008.

Right...so you're saying that using racism as a subject for a comedy sketch is acceptable? I too am a strong believer in freedom of speech, which is why I think Russell Brand should be able to tell whoever he likes about his sex life. He's not lying is he? Or being racist?

scoteeeOctober 30th 2008.

Lesley see below? te he I don't get offended and I probably would get the mickey taken out of me if I did get upset. ”

emma graceOctober 30th 2008.

Scoteee you make it sound like a bad thing... :)

emma graceOctober 30th 2008.

If I could bottle that and sell it I'd make a fortune...fancy going into business??

scoteeeOctober 30th 2008.

Would I ???

DigOctober 30th 2008.

You can't tell everyone I'm a Scouser hiding here in ManCon! I'm going to get beat up now when they hear my accent and find me. I'll be hiding behind the sofa!

Egyptian NunOctober 30th 2008.

Gordo cant find dates ...god my mate was at the Bond thingy last Thursday night and she told me that he was intently asking her for her email details and she gave him www.no@yahoo.com/">http://www.no@yahoo.com ..isnt that right Gordo??? lol

emma graceOctober 30th 2008.

Brand and Ross should have done a wind up on Katona...I'm sure no-one would have complained then

Bernard ManningOctober 30th 2008.

Love to see how Bernard is 'continuing' to spout his drivel years after his death....

GordoOctober 30th 2008.

Egyptian Nun, whilst I am not shy of these things, can I assure you that your friend is dreaming I am afraid, during the Bond piece I was too busy looking after my staff and clients to be asking silly cows for email addresses. Now, afterwards at the Circle, having started to drink properly, i could very well have been propositioning the dustbins outside for all I know. Tell your friend to grow up.

emma graceOctober 30th 2008.

Over who? Mark and Kerry?? I've still got that toilet water from the other day scoteee :)

Egyptian NunOctober 30th 2008.

Yes I do, let me know where to start!

emma graceOctober 30th 2008.

Yes that was me! My environmentally friendly and beautifully crafted alternative to the plastic carrier bag. If you come back next week I will be extending my range to include all shapes and sizes of used water bottles. Very reasonable prices too...the war against the bottled water continues...

emma graceOctober 30th 2008.

Oh my word Gordo...I doubt we will need a boudoir for our tea and serious discussion about the state of the planet due to plastic carrier bags and water bottles!

franOctober 30th 2008.

Its about time you curbed your licentious ways & atleast your punishments fit your crimes. I thought the podcast was hilarious, I realise now I was wrong, thank goodness its been pointed out in time. He must have been so proud to have a stripper grand daughter and its all been sullied just cos she shagged about a bit.Bet he wont share his Werthers now.

HottieOctober 30th 2008.

This made me laugh out loud, do more!

LesleyOctober 30th 2008.

The thing is, until I went to see Bernard Manning at the embassy Club (wasn't my choice) I had strong feelings about his act. But, when I went not only was he very unlike this persona that people had created, I found him funny and not offensive - if you took his jokes in the spirit of his humour, he was also lovely enough to send my table a round of drinks after teasing me about my cleavage and also drinks to the table which contained several black people - who I might add laughed their socks off. It's all a matter of perception.

emma graceOctober 30th 2008.

Absolutely not!! I am doing my bit for the environment thank you very much. If you think my obsession with bottled water is bad, you don't want to know about the war I'm waging against carrier bags...

DigOctober 30th 2008.

We've become good mates. Seen each other a few times. We're going out tomorrow with her daughter too. Liverpool One going Christmas tomorrow. Has Gordo found you a date yet?

Brussel SproutsOctober 30th 2008.

Is not penis... Is hamster.

Eh?October 30th 2008.

Michael West, what on Earth are you blathering on about?

Clive MyopiaOctober 30th 2008.

Ha, just got this. Hyperopia is Longsight, very good. As for this article, superb, give us more Mancon. The whole thing is a hypocritical mess, did you see that dithering idiot Thompson on TV saying in effect he's going to do nothing really and let Ross slip back in in a couple of months or so.

scoteeeOctober 30th 2008.

Ms G... I have just come back from the gents and having gone through a whole water ceremony I am now "Egyptian Nun"

Bernard ManningOctober 30th 2008.

No Emma - its just called freedom of speech and freedom of choice. It is something we used to hold dear in the country, now it is just seen as being fascist.

LesleyOctober 30th 2008.

Are you teasing me Scoteee?

JohnOctober 30th 2008.

I think it's only right for Gordon Brown to get involved, after all, everyone else complained when he ****ed the economy

Egyptian NunOctober 30th 2008.

I think Miss G, Dig may have been refering to my earlier comment about YOUR hair!!!

DigOctober 30th 2008.

Who are you Paul Webb?

seabeeOctober 30th 2008.

sounds interesting mate thanks for that.as for this russel brand chap my mate fat phil was using the bogs at rochdale railway station for a legit reason when brand made an indecent proposal to him through the glory hole that connects trap 1 to trap 2.fat phil chase him but do to his size couldnt keep up with king bog rat.i would urge everybody to be extra careful when spending a penny as this fiend could be in a lavvy next to you.

lesleyOctober 30th 2008.

eeeeewwwwwwwwwww. please stop Scoteee, I'm going on lunch soon.

scoteeeOctober 30th 2008.

Thats Emma Grace is it? I walked past your protest display this morning i91.photobucket.com/…/morsbags.jpg…

GordoOctober 30th 2008.

scoteee and emma would you like me to commision the building of a nice little boudoir for you?

scoteeeOctober 30th 2008.

How very darr you Gordo!!!tehe

DigOctober 30th 2008.

You know I'm joking don't you EG? I know you know that I ain't got any hair. So don't use a hairdresser at all! Going out in a light breeze usually does it for me.

lesleyOctober 30th 2008.

Actually Emma grace, even though I agree with you on principal. Bernard Manning was banned off the tv for a couple of decades

scoteeeOctober 30th 2008.

Ms G i'll take you on a date but there are no water bottles or plastic bags allowed!!!

AnonymousOctober 30th 2008.

Shurely it will now be the Turdis given that Mr Brand is involved.ps Saw the girl interviewed on Sky this am she is quite fit. Is she single now?

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