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Laz on lap dancing

Larry Neild on the nitty gritty of an itsy bitsy g-string ding dong

Published on August 23rd 2010.

Laz on lap dancing

Talk about Sex in the City!

A report to councillors makes Liverpool seem like the new Soho, with strip joints and lap-dancing bars everywhere. How about celebrating this Sexciting news by changing the name of one of our city centre areas to Sunset Strip?

As she stood there, naked, I asked if there was any chance of a receipt. Helena replied .... does it look like I’ve got a receipt book on me. She had a point. I responded saying.... you’re probably not registered for VAT either.

New rules are on the way to licence and control so-called sexual establishments across the city. City officials say 12 city centre establishments will need from next April a Sexual Entertainment Venue Licence.

It took me back to the last time this issue gained full exposure a few years ago. Liverpool was the only major city to allow dancing girls to do their routine in the all together. Other cities required a modest little garment to be worn throughout the performance. I already had the headline in mind for that night’s Echo ..... Lap dancing with no G-strings attached.

A report in the name of the then Chief Constable wanted councillors to order the wearing of G-strings. There was a war of words as the naked truth spilled over in the committee room at the Municipal Annexe.

One officer described how a g-string was not necessary as the distance between the dancer and the customer meant that everything was a bit of a blur anyway. It was all to do with the number of inches between the eyes of the client and certain parts of the female anatomy. Steamed-up glasses were more likely to be a problem, I thought at the time.

The story made national news and the boss decided some undercover journalism was required, needing a seasoned and experienced hack to get to the bottom of what goes on in these lap-dancing clubs.

So off I went in the search of the facts, fifty quid in my pocket supplied by the cash office at OHS. The trouble with advance exes down at the Post and Echo was if you failed to produce VAT receipts for the dosh paid upfront they’d automatically deduct it from your wages.

Me and accomplice Paul Kennedy set out on a tour of city dancing bars. Helena offered to dance, and she was quite skilled as her few garments were removed, one by one. As Helena was about to remove her final garment, a skimpy g-string, like a true professional I made my excuses, and stayed.

As she stood there, naked, I asked if there was any chance of a receipt. Helena replied .... does it look like I’ve got a receipt book on me. She had a point. I responded saying.... you’re probably not registered for VAT either. Helena nodded in agreement, departing with her fee.

In another club I watched as a sole customer, brief case on the bench next to him, gazed as his dancer performed. It looked sad, a little pathetic, as the guy - probably married - sat there alone in his overcoat, for a bit of pre-tea titillation. Bet he didn’t tell his missus he’d popped in for a quickie (drink that is) on the way home.

Fast forward to 2010 and the sex industry is holding its collective breath as politicians mull over new rules and regulations. A storm in a c-cup could be waiting to erupt, perhaps.

They will require g-strings to be worn whilst performers are on stage, but the wording of the licence conditions alone make steamy reading.

- Customers must remain seated

- Performers must not approach closer than 30cms to any part of a customer (otherwise the enforcers will be after you with their 12-inch rulers)

- Performers must not part their legs, sit or straddle the customer

- Customers must remain appropriately clothed at all times

- Performers must not accept a customer’s telephone no or email addressShould lap-dancing be illegal?

I’m agnostic on the subject but minded to say no. Are they harmless fun? A litmus test would be how many men arrive home from work and tell the wife (after she’s slaved over a hot stove or worked all day) they’d been oogling a naked girl just minutes before. Talk about wanting your tea and eating it.

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