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How to spend £45 million

Professor Chucklebutty's expert guide on what you can get for your euromillions without ever leaving Liverpool.

Published on November 10th 2009.


How to spend £45 million

BY JOVE Missus, I won another tenner on the lottery this week!

The annoying thing is that I wanted no publicity, but Fleet Street were like a pack of hounds and I knew they wouldn’t give up until I exposed myself, and then they got a shock.

But I’m not the only winner! As you may have heard, a couple in South Wales have scooped half of the euromillions jackpot and the other half has been won by a Liverpool syndicate. How splendid is that, everybody?

The syndicate in Liverpool could follow most of our homegrown celebrities and leg it before the ink is dry on the cheque. Yes, once the money comes in, off they go. That reminds me, how’s the whip-round going for Pete Price?

The two tickets will take a £45,570,835.50 share of Friday's £90 million jackpot.

Just be warned, ladies and gentlemen, there will financial experts coming out the woodwork to grab some of that cash for themselves. We all know you can’t trust a bunch of bankers, but even I couldn’t fit that lot under the floorboards, missus, and believe me I’ve tried!

The syndicate in Liverpool could follow most of our homegrown celebrities and leg it before the ink is dry on the cheque.

Yes, once the money comes in, off they go. That reminds me, how’s the whip-round going for Pete Price?

As our council leaders keep telling us, Liverpool is now an international and vibrating city. And this lucky seven work right opposite Nice n Naughty so they should know.

So exactly what can they spend it on if they stay put?

Unfortunately, the changes in Liverpool have meant that things have become a lot more expensive, and there are some things that even these BT call centre workers won't be able to afford, like....a call centre!

I was speaking to one of my friends in Dale Street, trying to talk him down from the ledge, and he told me that where he works, if you want somebody to answer the phone for you and read out some lines from a piece of paper you’ve written yourself, it will cost you £78m! Then if you change your mind and want the same people to stop answering the phone, it will cost you another £20 million! Imagine that!

No. My honest advice is: “Treat yourselves, ladies and gentlemen.”

You could blow the lot on 1,669,758 Sayers sausage rolls EACH. And think how many jam butties it would buy.

And while somebody at the BBC has already calculated that £45 million is the same as 50 million Aeros, don’t listen to them: you can get them in any shop for 60p a time, and you’d be sick after a week.

A far better idea is to have the stars come to your house to do a turn. Yes, what a lovely day it is for getting Morrissey back to Liverpool to sing in your front parlour. Let’s face it, you’ll eventually need something to wipe the smile off your face - he does it for me every time.

Just for a laugh, carefully balance a plastic pint of beer on the door above, just before he walks through it. You can! You are dicky minted! Or chase him around the garden with a hospeipe. ITV pays good money for those sort of videos.

Now citizens who make it big inevitably get criticised for not giving all their cash back to Liverpool and not living in a tent in the park.

But our local winners may feel differently and want to do something for the city. Why not buy The Echo? I say. What, 47 pence for THAT? I hear you ask. No, by jove, the whole thing, the Echo and the Daily Post. Well Trinity Mirror won’t want them, not if they have to pay for journalists out of their bonuses. You could be like Orson Welles in Citizen Smith, “Power to the People!” Oh, hang on, isn’t that owned by Trinity Mirror as well?

Then again, they say property is always a good investment. How about buying some of the new city centre “luxury” apartments? That’s a good way of getting rid of your money. But buy now before the price drops too much or you'll have hundreds of them on your hands.

My own tip: If you really want a sound investment, my mate who works in the Williamson Tunnels tells me they have discovered an abandoned mine shaft with a rich seam of raspberry jam.

Twenty-four carats he says. By jove, that lit up everyone's eyes at the convent up the road. But then they are called the Little Sisters of the Deaf.

Yet if all this talk of money has left you feeling poor and discontented with your lot, remember it's not the only answer. Go home tonight, grab a handful of ice, throw it down the missus's top and say 'How about that for a new chest freezer?'

Whatever you do with your winnings, I hope it brings you and your loved ones happiness. Cue for a song! Tatty bye everybody! Tatty bye!

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10 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

DigNovember 10th 2009.

Are the Liverpool Confidential Offices disguised as an 'adult' shop since they moved from Fleet Street? That's the only reason I can think of as to why I've seen the editor frequent those premises.

Vi BraightorNovember 10th 2009.

An excellent piece from the Professor, though I'd have expected him to suggest a sub to homeless Anita Harris as a good way of disposing of one's surplus millions.

DigNovember 10th 2009.

I heard that Sam Brocklehurst even tried to buy a fire extinguisher off the wall once.

Scouse ScribeNovember 10th 2009.

Not the first Liverpool media organisation to take up residence above a shopful of naughties. Now what does that tell us?

CorrespondentNovember 10th 2009.

Didn't the whip-round for Pete Price get as high as the 57p mark?

KnowlegeableNovember 10th 2009.

Yes the Liverpool Confidential office is above an adult shop, as is something called Black & Ginger. You couldn't make this X-rated stuff up

Blakes SevenNovember 10th 2009.

Dig, don't be so crude, with all the hard work that goes into putting LivConf together, I think they are entitled to re-charge their batteries from time to time

ProfNovember 10th 2009.

She's skint not mad, what the hell would she want to live in a sub for?Don't worry about her, we have a thing called state benefits and homelessness law. Like normal people. Do you detect a loss of my usual headiness when discussing Anita? Well you are right. I sent her some warm bedsocks for her birthday and didn't even get a thank you note.

Chippie T.November 10th 2009.

Did those premises used to be Mr. Ip's chip shop?

Mother Superior - Little Sisters of the DeafNovember 10th 2009.

Do you mean there are mechanical carrots as well?

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