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Full of sheets

World Exclusive: Bed-in at Bluecoat plugs terifying hole accidentally left in city's Beatles calendar. Special report by ER Ladd

Published on August 18th 2010.


Full of sheets

LIVERPOOL tourism bosses were this week locked in crisis meetings after it emerged that there is a whole afternoon this year that has not been set aside for some form of Beatles celebration.

Staff at the top secret Liverpool Magical Mystery crisis headquarters, believed to be situated in the disused 99 bus terminus at Penny Lane roundabout, were understood to be frantically attempting to rescue the situation, which they dismissed as a “schoolboy error” after a schoolboy was enlisted to “run the show”.

The situation came to light after Confidential received an anonymous tip off on its You-Know-My-Name-Look-Up-The-Number Answering Machine

After repeatedly ignoring our requests for a comment, spokesman Malcolm Fab agreed to meet me in the new John Lennon Airport cafe, Latte in the Sky.

“When this gets out... well I shudder to think what will happen,” he muttered. “It’s a known fact that the Beatles generate seventy seven trillion pounds a year for the city. Look how wealthy they have made us. Not to mention the forty eight million people who visit just to slip in Beatle vomit on Mathew Street every week. “

He moved closer. “Off the record, when it was noticed that we’d forgotten to organise a Beatles event for an entire afternoon this year... well let me tell you, I nearly shat a Hofner bass guitar.

“At one point we even considered illuminating the Redmond signal we’ve had installed on the roof of the new museum, but we weren’t sure he’d able to see it from Tarporley.”

Fab's voice echoed around the empty building, he shivered and pulled his collarless Beatle suit jacket tight around him and leaned in even closer, only pausing to flick his Beatle wig fringe out of his eyes.

“I shouldn’t really tell you this, but we have warehouses full of false noses set aside just in case an emergency like this happens. Within minutes we could roll out our emergency “Ringo Nose Day” plan and have an army of Redmond's volunteers giving them out with a free Echo when you buy a Sayers sausage roll.

“We’ve already changed the names of the Liver Birds to 'Peace and Love', and we were going to ban anyone taking pictures of them in his honour.”

I took a sip of my Moppatoppa Macchiato. I didn’t know what to do, this information could cause panic, the likes of which had not been seen since the “Ferry 'Cross The Mersey” tape got jammed on the Royal Daffodil in 2008, which resulted in the captain forgetting where he was, and where he was going - which was straight into the side of a ship in the Mersey. Allegedly.

I glanced at the Beatles statue in front of me, and then at the one just to my left, the one above, the one behind and the one being installed in the tiny gap that had been left by the fire exit.

At the table next to me, a man was making a bust of John Lennon out of his mashed potato murmuring the words “If you build it they will come” over and over.

Fab moved across and grasped my arm in one desperate last plea.

“Just give me one day before you release the story, all I need is one more day, well that and love, I obviously need love... please, all I need is love, and one more day... please.”

I agreed, “Just one day Fab, the people of Liverpool need to know, so they can prepare.”

Fab stood, he pulled on his pink satin Sergeant Pepper overcoat and gave me the thumbs up and a Wings W sign.

“Just one more thing Fab, you people need to realise the responsibility you have to this city, maybe, just maybe, you need to start coming up with things that don’t only involve the Beatles.”

He looked at me; But I could only see triumph in his eyes, shaded blue behind his small round spectacles..

“It’s okay, there's no need for that Ladd. We are thinking we can sort some sort of “Bed in” at the Bluecoat. If we stretch it out for a couple of weeks it will well cover the gap in the calendar...

“Couple of quilts...it’ll be gear.”

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